Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard. It’s easy to focus on everything wrong and forget all the good. It makes it easier for you to run, to shut yourself off. Less chance of heartache. 

I’ve spent the past 10-15 years building walls. Except for my children, I love everyone from a distance. I avoid connections. I stay detached with my running shoes next to me at all times. When I start to feel my heart warm, I pull away. This is how I am assured to never fall again. To never be rejected or pushed aside. If I don’t care no one can hurt me. But I was hurting myself. With the loneliness and fears. Awareness of this was something I really always had. But now I have something different. Hope for tomorrow and happiness for the future. 

Brutal self reflection

Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.

I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net. 

I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that. 

I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears. 


Old soul

The wind so cool.

The sun shining on my face.

Tears coming from my eyes,

And a broken heart in my body.

My love’s so strong that my life’s gone.

I wrote this when I was about 9 years old. Sitting at the dining room table while my Aunt Kathy was drinking coffee and chatting with my mom. I still remember this poem by memory 30 years later and I’m still in disbelief that a child could put those words together. Maybe it was possible because my mom always encouraged my love of poetry. She would surprise me with books, especially poetry books even though she didn’t care much for poetry herself. She called me her little book worm and was proud of my passion for words.

Old soul

I always had a special gift. Even as a child my Aunt would tell me she felt my aura and that I have been here before. That I was a gifted old soul with an intuitive ability, a spiritual calling you would say. Many times she encouraged me to pursue my gift, that not everyone has this ability but she saw it in my eyes and I should learn how to explore it. I sometimes know things before they happen, always have. I get a feeling in my chest when I know something others don’t. Sometimes I get a swirling in my stomach and my head aches, my ears tingle and I stay quiet because a feeling comes over me, maybe a glimpse of a vision. Most would call it your gut instinct, mine is kinda kicked up a notch. Sometimes I listen to it, and sometimes I push through it unsure if it’s the gift or natural fears. That’s the downside, never knowing if I’m walking right past the danger sign or just being a worry wart.

I can read people. I hear the unsaid words and I see the hidden emotions. I absorb them like a towel soaking up a spill and I feel them deep in my soul. It’s exhausting and when it happens, it’s a completely natural sense like smelling a flower. As a result, I always see both sides to a story or situation. I can relate and usually sympathize with all sides. 

Were those words I wrote at 9 carried from a previous life or was I absorbing emotions around me even then? Do I have a special ability that sometimes feels like a curse rather than a gift? If I were to pursue perfecting this would life scare me more or would it ease my fears of the unknown?

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Dating… –

New blogger with a cute spin on dating 

Life Lessons #3192017

Regardless if your fucking him or not, he should be especially cautious when your choking on what he served you. If he’s the one his priority will be honoring his words to you and making things right. Not getting laid by someone else and bragging about it.

Learn to forgive yourself for forgetting yourself. Love makes us vulnerable and sometimes we sacrifice what’s best for ourselves in hopes that this is part of the journey on the yellow brick road to happiness. And it always is, it just might not lead where you thought and sometimes you get stuck in quicksand. Learn that this is ok. Love can conquer all, but only with the one truly meant for you. 

This may have been more for their journey than yours. You may have been the angel sent to poke and prod them into self reflection, learning to love themselves and how to really treat others. They may need to lose you so that they can grow. Unfortunately your sacrificing part of yourself, jumping in front of the bullet for them. This is an angels job and you were chosen for this. Time will heal the hole for you too.

When you show someone that you are a safe person, a safe haven for them, if they still choose to deceive you that is about them. Their insecurities, their levels of loyalty, it’s about their lack of strength. Don’t internalize this as something you did to cause it. Your not stupid or gullible. You are brave and strong for stepping into the lions den hoping to show them a better way. That is on them if they refuse to take your hand.

You will question and doubt them, as you should. But a leader understands people make mistakes. If they continue on the repeat cycle, they are spitting in your face and no-one deserves that.

You are amazing and beautiful, and flawed just like the rest.

It’s tempting to get even, to stoop down to their level. Instead you must rise above and be the person you are. Revenge is sweet, but it’s a dangerous game and even when you get points, it’s a temporary pleasure. Because you are a good soul you will regret the pain you caused even without their plays. If they roll the dice, let karma play that hand. 

Did he fight for you? 

I mean really fight for you. 

Did he listen to what you needed? 

Did he know the depth of your love and sacrifice? 

Did he do what he said and give you what you needed? 

Did he honor his promises to you?

Or did he continue sucking you into his darkness then blame you when you were hurting?

Then he didn’t fight for you at all. He pushed you away leaving you with no choice but to cut the rope he was hanging you from. Your worthy of love and happiness, even if he thinks you should have accepted his hand leading you to his dungeon. You can’t go there. That is no life at all.

Validated fears

What an amazing ability it is to be able to write beautifully. To express your emotions and fears and in such a way that allows others to relate and visualize the rawness. 

Never have I sat and just read my own words so much as I have in the last 24 hours. And damn I think I’m pretty awesome. A beautiful disaster with a map of scars and cracks that have been filled with sprinkles and gold as I conquered each battle. Finally again, feeling back to my bad-ass sassy self. God I’ve missed you.


Finding my way

I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. I lost my way and I’m not sure how that happened, but I am finding my way back. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength. 

Damn I am a strong person. 

Person aka human. 

Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow. 

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