24 Mar 2017 3 Comments
You don’t know me. You only know what he said when he was hurt and trying to convince himself that I was not his forever. This isn’t a letter of hate or jealousy, it is a letter of apology and thanks.
Before I met Bud I had lived alone for eight years with my children, raising them on my own. Five of those eight years I lived in hiding from an abusive and usually psychotic ex husband. That marriage was a constant war and unfortunately it left me scarred, afraid to live and afraid to love. I avoided connections, people and life. I was always looking for “the fall” as I call it. Even though he was a work in progress, definitely not perfect by any means, Bud was always amazing and wow did that man love me.
As amazing as he was and is, I always loved him from a distance. Anyone who knew him would tell you that he adored me. Even though I heard when they’d talk about it with admiration, I still couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t allow myself to expect that love, to count on it or depend on it because of my past. Terrified of the embarrassment of giving myself completely to another man just to have them leave, I refused to appreciate and enjoy the things that he did for me. Loving somebody who’s right there in your hand yet constantly trying to find a way out would probably make most people run. Eventually they would say enough is enough, but Bud never did. When he wanted to keep fighting, I told him not to. I pushed him away, I told him it was over. I told him to move on. I didn’t say these things to be hurtful or spiteful. I honestly believed I could walk away, that I could save myself the fall whether it was going to be in five years or ten, I could avoid it by just letting go now.
Bud always being respectful of my wishes did not fight, he let go only because that’s what I wanted. And if I thought that would make me happy, he was willing to sacrifice his whole being to give me that. But it broke him and he needed love. Then came you.
Seeing that photo of you two was a huge wake-up call. I knew he would never have moved on, he would never have left if I didn’t make him go. I thought of all the things he did for me, our connection and our bond, our deep belly laughs and inside jokes. I thought of our blended family and how much I missed those girls. And it was at that moment realized I might have just lost him forever. And I knew my fears caused the fall. I reached for him in an a desperate attempt to save something, even if just my friend because I couldn’t lose him. And with that, your world fell.
Now I have my best friend back, and because of you I learned to let myself love him fully. No tip toe, no ready to run, I want him forever. Because of you I realized I need to shake my heart out of these shackles and give him what he deserves, my all. Because of you I will make sure he knows I love him, how much he means to me and my world is incomplete without him. Because of you I realized I can’t lose him. You gave me the best gift of all, you freed my heart and by doing so saved my life. In this process you were hurt and for that I am truly sorry. I hope you find your forever person, your best friend because you helped me realize that I already had mine.
22 Mar 2017 2 Comments
Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.
I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net.
I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that.
I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears.
19 Mar 2017 2 Comments
Regardless if your fucking him or not, he should be especially cautious when your choking on what he served you. If he’s the one his priority will be honoring his words to you and making things right. Not getting laid by someone else and bragging about it.
Learn to forgive yourself for forgetting yourself. Love makes us vulnerable and sometimes we sacrifice what’s best for ourselves in hopes that this is part of the journey on the yellow brick road to happiness. And it always is, it just might not lead where you thought and sometimes you get stuck in quicksand. Learn that this is ok. Love can conquer all, but only with the one truly meant for you.
This may have been more for their journey than yours. You may have been the angel sent to poke and prod them into self reflection, learning to love themselves and how to really treat others. They may need to lose you so that they can grow. Unfortunately your sacrificing part of yourself, jumping in front of the bullet for them. This is an angels job and you were chosen for this. Time will heal the hole for you too.
When you show someone that you are a safe person, a safe haven for them, if they still choose to deceive you that is about them. Their insecurities, their levels of loyalty, it’s about their lack of strength. Don’t internalize this as something you did to cause it. Your not stupid or gullible. You are brave and strong for stepping into the lions den hoping to show them a better way. That is on them if they refuse to take your hand.
You will question and doubt them, as you should. But a leader understands people make mistakes. If they continue on the repeat cycle, they are spitting in your face and no-one deserves that.
You are amazing and beautiful, and flawed just like the rest.
It’s tempting to get even, to stoop down to their level. Instead you must rise above and be the person you are. Revenge is sweet, but it’s a dangerous game and even when you get points, it’s a temporary pleasure. Because you are a good soul you will regret the pain you caused even without their plays. If they roll the dice, let karma play that hand.
Did he fight for you?
I mean really fight for you.
Did he listen to what you needed?
Did he know the depth of your love and sacrifice?
Did he do what he said and give you what you needed?
Did he honor his promises to you?
Or did he continue sucking you into his darkness then blame you when you were hurting?
Then he didn’t fight for you at all. He pushed you away leaving you with no choice but to cut the rope he was hanging you from. Your worthy of love and happiness, even if he thinks you should have accepted his hand leading you to his dungeon. You can’t go there. That is no life at all.
19 Mar 2017 9 Comments
What an amazing ability it is to be able to write beautifully. To express your emotions and fears and in such a way that allows others to relate and visualize the rawness.
Never have I sat and just read my own words so much as I have in the last 24 hours. And damn I think I’m pretty awesome. A beautiful disaster with a map of scars and cracks that have been filled with sprinkles and gold as I conquered each battle. Finally again, feeling back to my bad-ass sassy self. God I’ve missed you.
19 Mar 2017 Leave a comment
I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. I lost my way and I’m not sure how that happened, but I am finding my way back. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength.
Damn I am a strong person.
Person aka human.
Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow.