I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

Letter to Emily

You don’t know me. You only know what he said when he was hurt and trying to convince himself that I was not his forever. This isn’t a letter of hate or jealousy, it is a letter of apology and thanks.

Before I met Bud I had lived alone for eight years with my children, raising them on my own. Five of those eight years I lived in hiding from an abusive and usually psychotic ex husband. That marriage was a constant war and unfortunately it left me scarred, afraid to live and afraid to love. I avoided connections, people and life. I was always looking for “the fall” as I call it. Even though he was a work in progress, definitely not perfect by any means, Bud was always amazing and wow did that man love me.

As amazing as he was and is, I always loved him from a distance. Anyone who knew him would tell you that he adored me. Even though I heard when they’d talk about it with admiration, I still couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t allow myself to expect that love, to count on it or depend on it because of my past. Terrified of the embarrassment of giving myself completely to another man just to have them leave, I refused to appreciate and enjoy the things that he did for me. Loving somebody who’s right there in your hand yet constantly trying to find a way out would probably make most people run. Eventually they would say enough is enough, but Bud never did. When he wanted to keep fighting, I told him not to. I pushed him away, I told him it was over. I told him to move on. I didn’t say these things to be hurtful or spiteful. I honestly believed I could walk away, that I could save myself the fall whether it was going to be in five years or ten, I could avoid it by just letting go now.

Bud always being respectful of my wishes did not fight, he let go only because that’s what I wanted. And if I thought that would make me happy, he was willing to sacrifice his whole being to give me that. But it broke him and he needed love. Then came you.

Seeing that photo of you two was a huge wake-up call. I knew he would never have moved on, he would never have left if I didn’t make him go. I thought of all the things he did for me, our connection and our bond, our deep belly laughs and inside jokes. I thought of our blended family and how much I missed those girls. And it was at that moment realized I might have just lost him forever. And I knew my fears caused the fall. I reached for him in an a desperate attempt to save something, even if just my friend because I couldn’t lose him. And with that, your world fell.

Now I have my best friend back, and because of you I learned to let myself love him fully. No tip toe, no ready to run, I want him forever. Because of you I realized I need to shake my heart out of these shackles and give him what he deserves, my all. Because of you I will make sure he knows I love him, how much he means to me and my world is incomplete without him. Because of you I realized I can’t lose him. You gave me the best gift of all, you freed my heart and by doing so saved my life. In this process you were hurt and for that I am truly sorry. I hope you find your forever person, your best friend because you helped me realize that I already had mine.

Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard. It’s easy to focus on everything wrong and forget all the good. It makes it easier for you to run, to shut yourself off. Less chance of heartache. 

I’ve spent the past 10-15 years building walls. Except for my children, I love everyone from a distance. I avoid connections. I stay detached with my running shoes next to me at all times. When I start to feel my heart warm, I pull away. This is how I am assured to never fall again. To never be rejected or pushed aside. If I don’t care no one can hurt me. But I was hurting myself. With the loneliness and fears. Awareness of this was something I really always had. But now I have something different. Hope for tomorrow and happiness for the future. 

Brutal self reflection

Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.

I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net. 

I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that. 

I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears. 

 

Shared from WordPress

Dating… – http://wp.me/s8vnSU-dating

New blogger with a cute spin on dating 

Finding my way

http://wp.me/p271pb-as

I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. I lost my way and I’m not sure how that happened, but I am finding my way back. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength. 

Damn I am a strong person. 

Person aka human. 

Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow. 

Letter to myself #452016 Reminder

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Warning; finding my strength. My inner bitch is pushing her way back and that means I’m done with these ridiculous feelings that I tripped on. Big girl panties are back on. 

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