Visions of my life

As a little girl and even as a teen, I somehow knew my future. I pictured myself as a single independent woman. Not with a husband who was my best friend or a husband I fought with. I pictured myself with 3 children, two girls and a boy and I even knew I would have my daughters first and my son would be my youngest. I pictured a big white house with a big yard and a couple dogs, small children running in the grass. Since I bought this house 5 years ago I’ve tried to figure out who those small children are. 
Along the way I tried to prove my vision wrong. Falling for a couple guys I told myself it was possible my vision was wrong. Each and every time I was left alone regretting ever thinking they could be the one to prove myself wrong. 

The first one blessed me with my twin girls and the realization that I could only count on myself. He taught me that I was much stronger than I ever could have imagined. I was quickly pushed into single motherhood at just 19 with two beautiful babies on welfare. I was sure I was doing everything wrong but devoted to doing my best. I think back and am amazed at myself. I honestly don’t think I would have fought so hard to become who I am if not for those little sets of eyes that melted my heart. I was sure I could never love anyone or anything as much as those girls. They stole everyone’s hearts and made every kid jealous wishing they could be them. I wanted to make those girls proud and give them a good life full of happiness and love. They gave me purpose.

The next guy took me from myself for a long time but in the end he taught me all about the strength of a mother’s love and forgiving myself. Along came my son, this amazing little boy who I was sure I couldn’t love, but he became the light of our world. Those girls were instantly in love with him and his little hands and tiny toes. He had this beautiful smile and he glowed when he saw me or his sisters. As much as he wanted to love his father, he knew he was not a good man. My son feared his father because of the abuse he witnessed. When that man was done with everything he put us through, it would have been easier for me to down a bottle of pills to escape the reality of what I allowed, and not one person would have blamed me. He put us through a living hell. But those beautiful kids that god blessed me with, I owed it to them to fight. To keep going even when I was sure I couldn’t do it. A mother’s love is the strongest thing in this world. And I had to try my best, even if it wasn’t good enough and even if I fucked up along the way, I could not leave them. And although I still struggle with forgiving myself, I do believe my children forgave me a long time ago.

After that I spent nearly 10 years focused on my kids and myself before dating and getting in another serious relationship. That one taught me how big my heart is and to accept my vision. As much hurt and disappointment I’ve lived through, I still have a great big heart ready to love. I still want to believe in the good in people, even when they don’t have good intentions and my instincts warn me. I want to believe my doubts are wrong. Stupid maybe, but maybe it’s also my big heart and that’s not a bad thing.

In my vision I wasn’t alone and miserable. In fact the sun was shining and I’m laughing. I’m filled with warmth from my life, I felt surrounded by peace and happiness. I knew I lived a comfortable life, not fancy but stable and strong. I knew that I had survived a storm, but I felt the calm of where my life was. I felt love, love for myself and for the journey to get me there. 

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I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

Finding my way

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I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength.

Damn I am a strong person.

Person aka human.

Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow.

Aha moment

It’s been a very long time since I snapped. I understand hot tempers because honestly mine has been one of the worst. That’s why I completely avoid conflict and drama. They trigger this beast in me, and it’s a mighty beast that takes over and I’m watching from a distance, excluding the black-outs. These are not alcohol induced black-outs. It’s pure rage. I lose control. I lose minutes literally in the blink of an eye. When I come to, it’s after I get body slammed by some dude to control the crazy bitch that was unleashed and I realize I physically attacked someone. I don’t know if people see me as this anymore but I know it’s always there, and I fear that part of me. In truth there were many times I could have been arrested, especially during my marriage. He protected me a few times from that. Probably guilt because he knew he caused it, I think he enjoyed bringing that out of me. Jealousy is an evil darkness for me. Fuck seeing red, my rage is the blackest black.

I think the fear of releasing that monster is why I step away from situations and people completely. I’m terrified of losing control. I take pride in my calm reaction to things now. I know once I lose that I go to another place entirely and it’s full of pain and chaos. I get drunk off the emotions like an alcoholic. Instead I choose peace now.

 

I’m an open, honest and blunt person to a fault. When I allow someone in my tight circle, I will share my world with you. There are no boundaries for our conversations. I will tell you all the details of my soul and I want to know yours. This is how I connect. Not knowing where the line is has caused a lot of people to step away. And I honestly don’t do it intentionally, it’s not meant to hurt anyone. I just crave deep conversations, with raw emotions that make you look hard at things..to grow. 

A few days ago, sitting with my son at his therapy session we were brainstorming to prepare for his IEP meeting at school. The therapist was discussing his communication disorder and what things will help him. We discussed note taking and different ways to use these to be successful throughout your life. I explained what I do and how I use my notes. That I prefer using my hand written notes vs the typed organized version because when I see my hand written notes I’m able to replay the moment in my head, helping me remember the information. The therapist had a “aha” moment and her mouth dropped, she sat closer literally on the edge of her seat and said “do you know you probably also have a communication disorder?”. Mind you, this isn’t just my son’s therapist. After my divorce I saw her myself for over 3 years. She knows me better than anyone. I sat there speachless and frozen and honestly a little embarrassed and finally said “I think I’ve learned a lot about myself by learning about Ryan. We are alike in many ways.” 

Tonight this became even more apparent. Asking my now ex-boyfriend a question, which offended him. Maybe because it’s through text he thought I was starting a fight but I wasn’t. I was asking because I needed deep raw conversation and he is my best friend and I seem to be a retard when ending a relationship. I mean, I’m a very strong independent woman and he’s more the needy, romantic, insecure type and he moved on very fast from our breakup after spending a year and a half beating me with how he wouldn’t be able to move on right away..numerous times implied a year or longer if at all because of his love for me.. it took him at most a month after moving out. I wanted to know what helped him. How do you start over so soon. Not in the “how could you asshole” way, in the “teach me how to be normal” way. And he’s the one whom I tell everything to and have the most raw discussions with. Mind you I was drinking and explained to my 20 year old daughter who said “oh no, you can’t ask him that”. I didn’t understand and asked her to explain. I began crying because I honestly didn’t and still don’t understand. At that moment I thought of my son, and all the conversations he needs explaining appropriate or common sense things. I thought how he gets frustrated and wants it explained more and hears “you should know this, it’s common sense” all day at school. How embarrassed he feels when he doesn’t understand. This was my “aha” moment. 

I used to…

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At least I thought I did. Life has a way of making you see the truth…beating it over and over in your head until you not only acknowledge it, but accept it.

Some people aren’t what we thought, or what we want them to be. Maybe they manipulate us when we are weak and vulnerable, saying exactly what we need to hear. Maybe they believe what they are telling us, if only in the brief moment they say it.

Is the truth what we need to see? Or is it this aching feeling deep in our gut pulling us back, that makes no sense other than this force we can’t explain? Or is it just loneliness poking and prodding, lowering our standards of what we think we deserve?

Eventually it’s time to let go and accept what they make so obvious. We either never knew them at all or we just don’t know who they are anymore. We all change in life. Our experiences make us grow and change. It’s part of our journey. Accept the lesson and thank them for it. If they are meant to be in your future, they will be.