Two versions or one

Life is always changing…just when you find some peace and stability and are okay, life changes.
Sometimes I find it difficult not to feel like the world and all in it are against me. I try to do the right thing, use morals and values. I don’t want to do negative things and have those things bounce back to me. I’m not perfect and I own , accept and apologize for my mistakes. I’m human and nothing near perfect…but I do try to be a good person.
So why do so many things go wrong in my life? Why do the people I should trust the most hurt me? It seems purposely. They plot things behind my back..why? What does that accomplish! I’m lacking loyalty in my family, and it hurts the most when they fail me. It feels like a knife twisting in my chest digging out my heart and soul. Is it wrong I want others to come to my defense when I’ve been wronged?? To stand up for me and say “that’s not cool! She’s been through enough and doesn’t deserve that! Shame on you!”. When people I trust don’t defend me, it seems to hurt me more than what happened…no one in my life just stands up for what is RIGHT! I don’t care who’s in the wrong, just stand up for what is morally right!

Maybe I shouldnt care, but I do. If I live my life trying to do the right thing, why would people down talk me or my children? Knowing all we’ve been through…why are people so mean? Even when you call them on it “that’s just mean” or “that really hurt me” instead of apologizing they instead attack you. Like, “how dare you be hurt by me!”
People have a “version” of themselves they want others to see…but then there’s the truth.. Don’t you want the version to be the same thing as the truth? Don’t you want to be your best self?



As a kid I heard stories about how much my older brothers loved me and protected me. I got this happy feeling when I’d hear the stories. I would imagine being this little princess with warriors on horses standing guard by me. That changed as we grew up though. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel that loyalty though.
I am a very loyal person. I’m the type, if you hurt someone I love, you just as well hurt me. I took on others burdens. I felt I would get the same, I deserved it. But it’s never worked out that way. Even when I clearly did nothing but give and was given nothing back but pain…time and time and time again. Is it wrong to expect those closest to me to stand by my side? To say “you can’t be respectful to her so I got nothing for you”. I understand being civil, but going out of your way for that person? Why does that hurt me so much? It feels like betrayal.. am I just expecting someone else to fill those big brothers shoes? Is it wrong to expect that loyalty? Maybe I shouldn’t be giving that loyalty to anyone either? Maybe that is only to be given to myself?