I gave my all

I cuddled you and held you close to me at night.

I let myself fall in love with the idea of us.

I professed my love to the world.

I put you inside my skin.

I supported you financially and emotionally.

I loved your kids as my own and rearranged my home to give them their own space.

I found myself making your family the priority.

I gave you my heart.

You gave me drama.

You gave me lies and I tried to believe you anyway.

You used me and left me broke.

You destroyed my home and peace.

You made my children sad for what I accepted from you.

You brought me shame because I believed you.

I see things more clear now than I ever have. 

They rescue you, yet they hurt you. 

They hurt you because you have used them too many times, which hurt them. 

You destroyed them beating them with your toxic cycle leaving them all angry and bitter with you. 

Yet your still able to manipulate them with your emotional breakdowns needing them to rescue you. This part of the cycle gives them the feeling of being in control, seeing you hurt as you have hurt them many times before. They give you crumbs because they enjoy seeing you suffer, even though it also hurts them. And you see it as you’re in control and in many ways you are.
This toxic vicious web you all weave is unaccepting of someone who encourages growth. Who avoids drama and conflict, who pushes for you to be better. 

And in your cycle, as you tried to suck me into the web, you actually allowed me to separate from the picture you painted of what we would be. You gave me space to see the truth, the cycle repeating again almost identical as before. You handed me my independence back not even knowing what you were doing. You expected me to jump into the game as they have all done for so many years and save you, coddle you. 

You were not counting on me loving myself more.

And now I know it wasn’t me

This amazing man came in, built up my confidence, made me see my worth, stand taller and smile bigger. Then quickly became a weight, pulling me down, again. Now he tears me down for my confidence, as he sees it as conceited. Now he sees me with blackened glasses where everything is ugly. It’s no longer my cute quirks, now he sees me as rude and selfish. As a person who tries to intimidate everyone, who takes controll of conversations because I don’t care what others have to say. In a disgusted with me expression, he claimed I think I’m the queen and everyone is my pheasants. Worst of all he claimed my own children are scared to death of me.

Sadly, I’ve dealt with this before, not just from him but from his type. They convince me I’m cruel and that I draw this frustration and anger out from those around me. Until I sit and stew and go back to hating myself. But not this time. Life continues to build my character and my inner strength. 

This time I know it’s not me, it’s you. This time I know I did everything right and you again tried to suck the life out of me. Maybe you don’t even realize it, but you should. Subtle and polite words said to make you see your ways eventually turn into blunt sledgehammers. That’s your fault, not mine. And I realize now, you will never see the real you.

My kitchen remodel nightmare

I’m trying, really trying to keep myself together. But I feel heavy, weak, out of breath, and unavailable.  My anxiety is probably the highest it’s been in a very long time. I feel lost. 

I know he meant well. I know if he could give me my dream kitchen he would. But he didn’t stop to consider the size of the project he created, or how the process would affect me. Someone who claims to know me better than I know myself, should have known this was going to drive me nuts. I should be planning a baby shower for my first grandchild, playing in my garden, baking lemon poppyseed bread. But I can barely function. 

He sees me doesn’t he? Can’t he understand what this is doing to me? I want to hide in a dark hole, my mind won’t stop racing and I can’t even have a conversation. Talking hurts my brain, listening to anyone talking makes me want to explode. I feel insane, how living in this can affect me so deeply yet he just wants to go on with life as if this is normal. I can’t even think or breathe. I feel a thousand pound weight sitting on my chest. 

It upsets me when he asks me what’s wrong and it infuriates me that he’s more concerned if “we’re okay” rather than trying to fix the mess he created that’s broken me. In other words-bust his ass to make me better. And yes, that absolutely makes me question this relationship. Everything from the last week, how he handled all of it. How he can sit there and see me broken and not try to do something unless I push it. But honestly, I can’t even think about any of that. I just want quiet in my head and the pressure to lift off my chest. I want to feel peace in my mind and calm in my body. 

Tomorrow I will be back to my bad-ass self. But tonight I’m not there.