23 Mar 2017 1 Comment
Relationships are hard. It’s easy to focus on everything wrong and forget all the good. It makes it easier for you to run, to shut yourself off. Less chance of heartache.
I’ve spent the past 10-15 years building walls. Except for my children, I love everyone from a distance. I avoid connections. I stay detached with my running shoes next to me at all times. When I start to feel my heart warm, I pull away. This is how I am assured to never fall again. To never be rejected or pushed aside. If I don’t care no one can hurt me. But I was hurting myself. With the loneliness and fears. Awareness of this was something I really always had. But now I have something different. Hope for tomorrow and happiness for the future.
22 Mar 2017 2 Comments
Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.
I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net.
I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that.
I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears.
19 Mar 2017 9 Comments
What an amazing ability it is to be able to write beautifully. To express your emotions and fears and in such a way that allows others to relate and visualize the rawness.
Never have I sat and just read my own words so much as I have in the last 24 hours. And damn I think I’m pretty awesome. A beautiful disaster with a map of scars and cracks that have been filled with sprinkles and gold as I conquered each battle. Finally again, feeling back to my bad-ass sassy self. God I’ve missed you.
19 Mar 2017 Leave a comment
I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. I lost my way and I’m not sure how that happened, but I am finding my way back. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength.
Damn I am a strong person.
Person aka human.
Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow.
19 Mar 2017 Leave a comment
Life Lesson 4267 – http://wp.me/p271pb-ay