Wonderful Wednesday

This little guy brightened my day. This is my first grandbaby. I’m 40 and don’t feel like a grandma, but I am loving it.

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Mother’s pride

Lately I’ve been engulfed with pride. I look at my children and I think of all the years that’s passed and all the beautiful memories and I feel happiness.

I think of Ashley reading to me to practice and how it relaxed me so much it put me to sleep, and how that made me try harder to read stories to Ryan with them. I think about baking that lemon blueberry bread from scratch with Breanna because she wanted to be a baker. I wanted to encourage any passion they felt. I think of the crazy outfits Ryan would put together as he created a new superhero and how we’d all burst out laughing. I remember spending a whole weekend morning until night as we watched Law and Order SVU and made snowflake Christmas ornaments together. The dining room was my favorite room in the house, next to the kitchen because we were always crafting or cooking. I remember being with them, enjoying them and laughing together, honestly the best sound in the world. I think of all we have overcame and how easy they made it to be a single mom, one that put her children first. I think of how close we are still and it melts my heart. I love that my kids enjoy being around me even when they don’t have to.

They are my world and my sole purpose. On my worst day if I’m feeling down or insecure, I look at my kids and how amazing they are and remind myself “if I created them and helped shape them into these beautiful people, I’m fucking amazing too”.

Evolving with clarity

I’ve survived more than one disappointing person. And I always go back too many times to make sure I will have no regrets. I know I did everything and gave my all and the collapse wasn’t mine. Sadly it was just the wrong person again. Everyone told me he would not change and I deserved better. I took the chance and took him back, and lost a friend in the process. But still no regrets. I needed every piece of this painful process to get me where I am.

~ It was when he continued making choices he knew would hurt me that I realized I can’t do this. I have lived this life before, this relationship and I barely survived it. He is no different and I refuse to go back to that life. I can’t keep trying for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

It’s weird this time I felt a weight release, like the chain to an anchor snapped. I felt the darkness and negativity rise up and like a cloud of smoke it crawled out of my home. I feel relieved and clear, knowing I did not fail. I don’t feel sad or depressed at the ending. I don’t hold on to memories of good times making me miss him because this time I realize it was all fake, temporary. Some people enjoy chaos but it is not for me. I can’t be with someone I can’t respect. I feel complete and whole knowing I deserve better. And my god I realize how amazing my family is. The connection I have with my kids, a bond like no other. I found myself looking at my life and all my accomplishments and gifts, and none of them was him. Nothing he brought to my life made things better. If someone isn’t making life better, it’s not for you.

Although I am confused how someone could paint a picture of such beauty but the reality is they live a life void of that, entirely by choice. It does make me doubt people more. How someone can create a fake facade of being a dedicated dad, devoted to his children working hard for a better life and sacrificing everything for his loved ones but life just hasn’t been fair to him. Lies. False identity. In denial of his truth or ashamed but not enough to become someone he’s proud to be. Surrounding himself with those who accept his failures and allow him to be an empty person. That is the saddest part of it all… he doesn’t want to change or be better. He enjoys the misery and pity that comes from his life choices. But he knows no better, and doesn’t want to. That is heartbreaking.

I choose to evolve. To move on from the doubts and conflict, and the damage to my soul. I choose more, better, calm and clarity, focus and determination, success and love. Pride in who I am and loving my simple life. Feeling excitement for all the un-opened chapters to come.

Processing to find clarity 

Sometimes I learn about something and my emotions get so worked up. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute and all I know is I’m feeling pain or rage and I need time to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it takes days or weeks, but eventually clarity hits.

I’m a complicated person. Although most women are, I sometimes feel extra special in this area. What can set my alarms off is being lied to. I can’t stand liars. I see them as frauds and fakes. Unfortunately most men I’ve encountered are incapable of being honest. Maybe that’s just humans in general, man or woman.

He lied. We were broke up, that’s true and we both see the cause of that differently. But no question in my mind, it was because of all the doubts caused by his lies. It caused me to question everything about us and anything he said. I was terrified of getting hurt and looking stupid. After everything I’ve been through, I felt I’d rather die. But I came to some realizations.

1. When he says “I’m not talking to anyone” this is a lie. Repeated conversations of me being worried about him because he had isolated himself in his mother’s basement, refusing to communicate with anyone, alone, dark and depressed. I needed to know he was ok. I deserved to know he had reconnected with friends and had a support system. I feel like this lie was just to slather on the guilt or to make me stay alone.

2. He not only had friends, he had women. He was slutting himself out to fill a void. Fine. Whatever. But my god why couldn’t he admit it to me. Instead for five fucking months all I heard was “I’m working on me. I have no interest in dating or meeting anyone. Honestly it’s better this way. I’m better alone. No-one will ever be you and you have my heart and it’s not worth accepting anything less.” Hogwash. Yes he had others, even sexually, but he will never admit that to me and I need to be able to accept that. I learned of somethings that mentally can destroy me, he is trying to protect me from that. Curiosity does kill the cat. Let it go.

3. Repeated conversations about us wanting us but when he was in a better state of mind because we only had one more shot to get this right so it was worth waiting for. I honestly waited faithfully. He honestly did not, and he probably never did and I need to accept that and move on.

4. Men handle loss differently than women. Well, differently than I do. I try to heal. I process and grieve. I go through periods of loneliness and sadness. Pride and independence grow and I always do it alone. Maybe I resent them for being able to connect with others as I struggle through my fears from the disappointment. He, like so many others, throws himself back out there accepting that there are other fish in the sea. While I feel hopeless in losing who I thought was “the one”. What bothers me is the cowardice of hiding the truth. The truth that you are accepting a new future instead of feeding the lies of still working towards ours. But he’s not the first one to do that.

5. I need to understand there will be things he doesn’t want to share and that it’s ok. The downfall to this is I’m learning I also need to not share everything. He can still be my best friend and better half without knowing everything that goes through my mind. Maybe I need to keep some things for me. Maybe I need to learn how to have some secrets or mystery instead of being an open book.

6. I need to stop worrying about the what if’s and just enjoy my life regardless if he’s in it or not. I did get better about this with the help of my beautiful daughter. I need to keep that mind set, always.

7. Get out. Live life. Breathe again. Smile. Laugh. Trust. Have faith. Think positive. Stop worrying what everyone thinks.

8. It’s important to get dolled up and get out of the house. Go on dates. Keep the magic alive. Remind each other how hot you can be when your not stuck in the day to day routine of work, laundry and dishes.

9. Don’t let yourself go. Stay looking damn good. Get out of the sweats sometimes and show your curves. Let your hair down and put on some eyeliner. Feel fierce because you’re amazing.

10. Understand there are lots of other fish in the sea. Yes he’s a fuck up but he wants to be your fuck up. He treats you amazing and your kids. Either accept him completely with his fuck ups or let him go.

Visions of my life

As a little girl and even as a teen, I somehow knew my future. I pictured myself as a single independent woman. Not with a husband who was my best friend or a husband I fought with. I pictured myself with 3 children, two girls and a boy and I even knew I would have my daughters first and my son would be my youngest. I pictured a big white house with a big yard and a couple dogs, small children running in the grass. Since I bought this house 5 years ago I’ve tried to figure out who those small children are. 
Along the way I tried to prove my vision wrong. Falling for a couple guys I told myself it was possible my vision was wrong. Each and every time I was left alone regretting ever thinking they could be the one to prove myself wrong. 

The first one blessed me with my twin girls and the realization that I could only count on myself. He taught me that I was much stronger than I ever could have imagined. I was quickly pushed into single motherhood at just 19 with two beautiful babies on welfare. I was sure I was doing everything wrong but devoted to doing my best. I think back and am amazed at myself. I honestly don’t think I would have fought so hard to become who I am if not for those little sets of eyes that melted my heart. I was sure I could never love anyone or anything as much as those girls. They stole everyone’s hearts and made every kid jealous wishing they could be them. I wanted to make those girls proud and give them a good life full of happiness and love. They gave me purpose.

The next guy took me from myself for a long time but in the end he taught me all about the strength of a mother’s love and forgiving myself. Along came my son, this amazing little boy who I was sure I couldn’t love, but he became the light of our world. Those girls were instantly in love with him and his little hands and tiny toes. He had this beautiful smile and he glowed when he saw me or his sisters. As much as he wanted to love his father, he knew he was not a good man. My son feared his father because of the abuse he witnessed. When that man was done with everything he put us through, it would have been easier for me to down a bottle of pills to escape the reality of what I allowed, and not one person would have blamed me. He put us through a living hell. But those beautiful kids that god blessed me with, I owed it to them to fight. To keep going even when I was sure I couldn’t do it. A mother’s love is the strongest thing in this world. And I had to try my best, even if it wasn’t good enough and even if I fucked up along the way, I could not leave them. And although I still struggle with forgiving myself, I do believe my children forgave me a long time ago.

After that I spent nearly 10 years focused on my kids and myself before dating and getting in another serious relationship. That one taught me how big my heart is and to accept my vision. As much hurt and disappointment I’ve lived through, I still have a great big heart ready to love. I still want to believe in the good in people, even when they don’t have good intentions and my instincts warn me. I want to believe my doubts are wrong. Stupid maybe, but maybe it’s also my big heart and that’s not a bad thing.

In my vision I wasn’t alone and miserable. In fact the sun was shining and I’m laughing. I’m filled with warmth from my life, I felt surrounded by peace and happiness. I knew I lived a comfortable life, not fancy but stable and strong. I knew that I had survived a storm, but I felt the calm of where my life was. I felt love, love for myself and for the journey to get me there. 

Life is good



Apology to my children


1- I am the one who ignored his red flags. 

2- I am responsible for bringing him in my children’s lives. I took the risk with all our hearts and time by bringing someone in who I should have known was capable of having a negative impact. I was selfish in not considering how it would affect my kids to see me so close to an unhealthy man again. 

3- I pray my children forgive me.

4- I have completely closed the door.

5- I will again show you that strong independent amazing mom who makes you proud to have. Our lives will only continue to get better, be better and fulfilling.

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