You didn’t

I fell for a few days. He opened the door, just a crack and the fear of repeating our cycle made me slip. Remembering the process each time before, what he said that made me believe he was devoted to me, and how devastated I was when I found out the truth and the desperation I felt after. Feeling like I couldn’t function, getting drunk and passed out on my bathroom floor, getting picked up by my daughter. Just for him to fuck it all up again.

I wish we could be friends, me and the person I thought he was. But I know that’s just me still struggling to let go of what I thought we had. He was my best friend but he’s not a safe person for me. And although I’m still struggling to accept that, I’m beginning to understand it. He has shown he’s not the person he claimed to be, not even close. And I’ve never been good at protecting myself from people like that.

Can I eventually forgive him for the disappointment he’s caused? Could we keep a safe boundary to salvage our friendship? Or am being foolish thinking there’s a good person behind all his mistakes? I just want to believe in the good in people and it’s always been an expensive humiliating lesson.

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Wonderful Wednesday

This little guy brightened my day. This is my first grandbaby. I’m 40 and don’t feel like a grandma, but I am loving it.

Mother’s pride

Lately I’ve been engulfed with pride. I look at my children and I think of all the years that’s passed and all the beautiful memories and I feel happiness.

I think of Ashley reading to me to practice and how it relaxed me so much it put me to sleep, and how that made me try harder to read stories to Ryan with them. I think about baking that lemon blueberry bread from scratch with Breanna because she wanted to be a baker. I wanted to encourage any passion they felt. I think of the crazy outfits Ryan would put together as he created a new superhero and how we’d all burst out laughing. I remember spending a whole weekend morning until night as we watched Law and Order SVU and made snowflake Christmas ornaments together. The dining room was my favorite room in the house, next to the kitchen because we were always crafting or cooking. I remember being with them, enjoying them and laughing together, honestly the best sound in the world. I think of all we have overcame and how easy they made it to be a single mom, one that put her children first. I think of how close we are still and it melts my heart. I love that my kids enjoy being around me even when they don’t have to.

They are my world and my sole purpose. On my worst day if I’m feeling down or insecure, I look at my kids and how amazing they are and remind myself “if I created them and helped shape them into these beautiful people, I’m fucking amazing too”.

Evolving with clarity

I’ve survived more than one disappointing person. And I always go back too many times to make sure I will have no regrets. I know I did everything and gave my all and the collapse wasn’t mine. Sadly it was just the wrong person again. Everyone told me he would not change and I deserved better. I took the chance and took him back, and lost a friend in the process. But still no regrets. I needed every piece of this painful process to get me where I am.

~ It was when he continued making choices he knew would hurt me that I realized I can’t do this. I have lived this life before, this relationship and I barely survived it. He is no different and I refuse to go back to that life. I can’t keep trying for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

It’s weird this time I felt a weight release, like the chain to an anchor snapped. I felt the darkness and negativity rise up and like a cloud of smoke it crawled out of my home. I feel relieved and clear, knowing I did not fail. I don’t feel sad or depressed at the ending. I don’t hold on to memories of good times making me miss him because this time I realize it was all fake, temporary. Some people enjoy chaos but it is not for me. I can’t be with someone I can’t respect. I feel complete and whole knowing I deserve better. And my god I realize how amazing my family is. The connection I have with my kids, a bond like no other. I found myself looking at my life and all my accomplishments and gifts, and none of them was him. Nothing he brought to my life made things better. If someone isn’t making life better, it’s not for you.

Although I am confused how someone could paint a picture of such beauty but the reality is they live a life void of that, entirely by choice. It does make me doubt people more. How someone can create a fake facade of being a dedicated dad, devoted to his children working hard for a better life and sacrificing everything for his loved ones but life just hasn’t been fair to him. Lies. False identity. In denial of his truth or ashamed but not enough to become someone he’s proud to be. Surrounding himself with those who accept his failures and allow him to be an empty person. That is the saddest part of it all… he doesn’t want to change or be better. He enjoys the misery and pity that comes from his life choices. But he knows no better, and doesn’t want to. That is heartbreaking.

I choose to evolve. To move on from the doubts and conflict, and the damage to my soul. I choose more, better, calm and clarity, focus and determination, success and love. Pride in who I am and loving my simple life. Feeling excitement for all the un-opened chapters to come.

Processing to find clarity 

Sometimes I learn about something and my emotions get so worked up. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute and all I know is I’m feeling pain or rage and I need time to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it takes days or weeks, but eventually clarity hits.

I’m a complicated person. Although most women are, I sometimes feel extra special in this area. What can set my alarms off is being lied to. I can’t stand liars. I see them as frauds and fakes. Unfortunately most men I’ve encountered are incapable of being honest. Maybe that’s just humans in general, man or woman.

He lied. We were broke up, that’s true and we both see the cause of that differently. But no question in my mind, it was because of all the doubts caused by his lies. It caused me to question everything about us and anything he said. I was terrified of getting hurt and looking stupid. After everything I’ve been through, I felt I’d rather die. But I came to some realizations.

1. When he says “I’m not talking to anyone” this is a lie. Repeated conversations of me being worried about him because he had isolated himself in his mother’s basement, refusing to communicate with anyone, alone, dark and depressed. I needed to know he was ok. I deserved to know he had reconnected with friends and had a support system. I feel like this lie was just to slather on the guilt or to make me stay alone.

2. He not only had friends, he had women. He was slutting himself out to fill a void. Fine. Whatever. But my god why couldn’t he admit it to me. Instead for five fucking months all I heard was “I’m working on me. I have no interest in dating or meeting anyone. Honestly it’s better this way. I’m better alone. No-one will ever be you and you have my heart and it’s not worth accepting anything less.” Hogwash. Yes he had others, even sexually, but he will never admit that to me and I need to be able to accept that. I learned of somethings that mentally can destroy me, he is trying to protect me from that. Curiosity does kill the cat. Let it go.

3. Repeated conversations about us wanting us but when he was in a better state of mind because we only had one more shot to get this right so it was worth waiting for. I honestly waited faithfully. He honestly did not, and he probably never did and I need to accept that and move on.

4. Men handle loss differently than women. Well, differently than I do. I try to heal. I process and grieve. I go through periods of loneliness and sadness. Pride and independence grow and I always do it alone. Maybe I resent them for being able to connect with others as I struggle through my fears from the disappointment. He, like so many others, throws himself back out there accepting that there are other fish in the sea. While I feel hopeless in losing who I thought was “the one”. What bothers me is the cowardice of hiding the truth. The truth that you are accepting a new future instead of feeding the lies of still working towards ours. But he’s not the first one to do that.

5. I need to understand there will be things he doesn’t want to share and that it’s ok. The downfall to this is I’m learning I also need to not share everything. He can still be my best friend and better half without knowing everything that goes through my mind. Maybe I need to keep some things for me. Maybe I need to learn how to have some secrets or mystery instead of being an open book.

6. I need to stop worrying about the what if’s and just enjoy my life regardless if he’s in it or not. I did get better about this with the help of my beautiful daughter. I need to keep that mind set, always.

7. Get out. Live life. Breathe again. Smile. Laugh. Trust. Have faith. Think positive. Stop worrying what everyone thinks.

8. It’s important to get dolled up and get out of the house. Go on dates. Keep the magic alive. Remind each other how hot you can be when your not stuck in the day to day routine of work, laundry and dishes.

9. Don’t let yourself go. Stay looking damn good. Get out of the sweats sometimes and show your curves. Let your hair down and put on some eyeliner. Feel fierce because you’re amazing.

10. Understand there are lots of other fish in the sea. Yes he’s a fuck up but he wants to be your fuck up. He treats you amazing and your kids. Either accept him completely with his fuck ups or let him go.

We just call him Ryan

Image

I love this picture. This is me and my son at Christmas 2010. This Christmas marked the change in his life, in our lives. About a month after this picture we finally found out what was really wrong with him. He has Epilepsy. But at the time we took this picture we didn’t know that yet. We were told my son was genetically defected and diagnosed with every mental disorder. ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), depression, mood disorder and even bipolar disorder. All by the time he was 8 years old. He was on just about every type of psych med with 9 prescriptions. About a month before this Christmas photo was taken I was fed up and finally stood up to the doctors. I educated myself about any and every thing the doctors labeled him with, the medications and the side effects. I obsessed over it. I was fed up with them just throwing on another pill when his side effects got worse. I was fed up of him getting worse instead of better. I was fed up of believing those doctors and giving them all the power to do whatever to my son. If he was bipolar I was ready to accept that but damn it I was fed up with all their damn guesses. 9 prescription pills my son took each day and I was angry at myself for allowing the doctors to let it get to that point. After three attempts at partial hospitalization, we admitted him into the hospital. At eight years old my son was placed into the psychiatric unit in the hospital. He was in the hospital for two weeks and we even celebrated his 9th birthday there.

I look at this picture and realize there was a before and after. Before the diagnoses and after. I think back of all that has happened and there was one night that literally saved us both.

My son had been released from the hospital and home for the first time in years without any medication. What was scary was we found out he really had Epilepsy but the hospital couldn’t get a pediatric neurologist to see my son. So after my constant badgering and bitching the doctor finally agreed to release him and gave me a list of appointments I needed to make. To get in with a neurologist was a 3 month wait. But I didn’t care, I was so excited to bring him home!!

He started reading. He just sat in his room reading!! Now that’s just crazy talk…nope it’s true. I remember him telling me before he would look at the pages and it just looked like alphabet soup. But now when he looked at the pages the words came alive because he could read them. I think all those meds really messed with him but they also numbed the pain of our past for him. See three years before this we had moved from our home, the only one my kids knew and started all over leaving the past behind. The past being my son’s father who was abusive in many ways and we finally got away.

Fast forward. Extensive neuro psych testing found the rest of the pieces. No depression. No bipolar. He has Epilepsy, ADHD, non-verbal learning disorder(think high functioning aspergers/autism), and sensory processing disorder. But we just call him Ryan.

Now Ryan is almost 16. He’s a sophomore in a regular high school with an IEP (individualized education plan). This year will likely be his last year needing the social skills class which will allow him to take an elective class like photography. Next semester he’s signed up for ROTC. He wants to be a police officer and help people. He has a girl friend and loves who he is. He is thoughtful and caring. Funny and still obnoxious. He is a great kid and I am in awe of who he has become. Somehow this amazing kid with a shocking past is beating the odds and this mom couldn’t be prouder.

Aside

Confusion

I still go back and forth in my head. Wanting to reach out to my friend and talk about all that’s going on, but I know I can’t. Then confusion sets in. I re-read my last message I sent him, which really is very clear with all that happened… and again I sink. He’s not the same person. 

When he doesn’t have me, he treats me different. Or is it just he changed, this breakdown of his was too much for him to come out the same? 

I’m sure he is working on finding his new forever, and I am trying to accept losing mine. 

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