You didn’t

I fell for a few days. He opened the door, just a crack and the fear of repeating our cycle made me slip. Remembering the process each time before, what he said that made me believe he was devoted to me, and how devastated I was when I found out the truth and the desperation I felt after. Feeling like I couldn’t function, getting drunk and passed out on my bathroom floor, getting picked up by my daughter. Just for him to fuck it all up again.

I wish we could be friends, me and the person I thought he was. But I know that’s just me still struggling to let go of what I thought we had. He was my best friend but he’s not a safe person for me. And although I’m still struggling to accept that, I’m beginning to understand it. He has shown he’s not the person he claimed to be, not even close. And I’ve never been good at protecting myself from people like that.

Can I eventually forgive him for the disappointment he’s caused? Could we keep a safe boundary to salvage our friendship? Or am being foolish thinking there’s a good person behind all his mistakes? I just want to believe in the good in people and it’s always been an expensive humiliating lesson.

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Evolving with clarity

I’ve survived more than one disappointing person. And I always go back too many times to make sure I will have no regrets. I know I did everything and gave my all and the collapse wasn’t mine. Sadly it was just the wrong person again. Everyone told me he would not change and I deserved better. I took the chance and took him back, and lost a friend in the process. But still no regrets. I needed every piece of this painful process to get me where I am.

~ It was when he continued making choices he knew would hurt me that I realized I can’t do this. I have lived this life before, this relationship and I barely survived it. He is no different and I refuse to go back to that life. I can’t keep trying for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

It’s weird this time I felt a weight release, like the chain to an anchor snapped. I felt the darkness and negativity rise up and like a cloud of smoke it crawled out of my home. I feel relieved and clear, knowing I did not fail. I don’t feel sad or depressed at the ending. I don’t hold on to memories of good times making me miss him because this time I realize it was all fake, temporary. Some people enjoy chaos but it is not for me. I can’t be with someone I can’t respect. I feel complete and whole knowing I deserve better. And my god I realize how amazing my family is. The connection I have with my kids, a bond like no other. I found myself looking at my life and all my accomplishments and gifts, and none of them was him. Nothing he brought to my life made things better. If someone isn’t making life better, it’s not for you.

Although I am confused how someone could paint a picture of such beauty but the reality is they live a life void of that, entirely by choice. It does make me doubt people more. How someone can create a fake facade of being a dedicated dad, devoted to his children working hard for a better life and sacrificing everything for his loved ones but life just hasn’t been fair to him. Lies. False identity. In denial of his truth or ashamed but not enough to become someone he’s proud to be. Surrounding himself with those who accept his failures and allow him to be an empty person. That is the saddest part of it all… he doesn’t want to change or be better. He enjoys the misery and pity that comes from his life choices. But he knows no better, and doesn’t want to. That is heartbreaking.

I choose to evolve. To move on from the doubts and conflict, and the damage to my soul. I choose more, better, calm and clarity, focus and determination, success and love. Pride in who I am and loving my simple life. Feeling excitement for all the un-opened chapters to come.

Processing to find clarity 

Sometimes I learn about something and my emotions get so worked up. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute and all I know is I’m feeling pain or rage and I need time to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it takes days or weeks, but eventually clarity hits.

I’m a complicated person. Although most women are, I sometimes feel extra special in this area. What can set my alarms off is being lied to. I can’t stand liars. I see them as frauds and fakes. Unfortunately most men I’ve encountered are incapable of being honest. Maybe that’s just humans in general, man or woman.

He lied. We were broke up, that’s true and we both see the cause of that differently. But no question in my mind, it was because of all the doubts caused by his lies. It caused me to question everything about us and anything he said. I was terrified of getting hurt and looking stupid. After everything I’ve been through, I felt I’d rather die. But I came to some realizations.

1. When he says “I’m not talking to anyone” this is a lie. Repeated conversations of me being worried about him because he had isolated himself in his mother’s basement, refusing to communicate with anyone, alone, dark and depressed. I needed to know he was ok. I deserved to know he had reconnected with friends and had a support system. I feel like this lie was just to slather on the guilt or to make me stay alone.

2. He not only had friends, he had women. He was slutting himself out to fill a void. Fine. Whatever. But my god why couldn’t he admit it to me. Instead for five fucking months all I heard was “I’m working on me. I have no interest in dating or meeting anyone. Honestly it’s better this way. I’m better alone. No-one will ever be you and you have my heart and it’s not worth accepting anything less.” Hogwash. Yes he had others, even sexually, but he will never admit that to me and I need to be able to accept that. I learned of somethings that mentally can destroy me, he is trying to protect me from that. Curiosity does kill the cat. Let it go.

3. Repeated conversations about us wanting us but when he was in a better state of mind because we only had one more shot to get this right so it was worth waiting for. I honestly waited faithfully. He honestly did not, and he probably never did and I need to accept that and move on.

4. Men handle loss differently than women. Well, differently than I do. I try to heal. I process and grieve. I go through periods of loneliness and sadness. Pride and independence grow and I always do it alone. Maybe I resent them for being able to connect with others as I struggle through my fears from the disappointment. He, like so many others, throws himself back out there accepting that there are other fish in the sea. While I feel hopeless in losing who I thought was “the one”. What bothers me is the cowardice of hiding the truth. The truth that you are accepting a new future instead of feeding the lies of still working towards ours. But he’s not the first one to do that.

5. I need to understand there will be things he doesn’t want to share and that it’s ok. The downfall to this is I’m learning I also need to not share everything. He can still be my best friend and better half without knowing everything that goes through my mind. Maybe I need to keep some things for me. Maybe I need to learn how to have some secrets or mystery instead of being an open book.

6. I need to stop worrying about the what if’s and just enjoy my life regardless if he’s in it or not. I did get better about this with the help of my beautiful daughter. I need to keep that mind set, always.

7. Get out. Live life. Breathe again. Smile. Laugh. Trust. Have faith. Think positive. Stop worrying what everyone thinks.

8. It’s important to get dolled up and get out of the house. Go on dates. Keep the magic alive. Remind each other how hot you can be when your not stuck in the day to day routine of work, laundry and dishes.

9. Don’t let yourself go. Stay looking damn good. Get out of the sweats sometimes and show your curves. Let your hair down and put on some eyeliner. Feel fierce because you’re amazing.

10. Understand there are lots of other fish in the sea. Yes he’s a fuck up but he wants to be your fuck up. He treats you amazing and your kids. Either accept him completely with his fuck ups or let him go.

Relapse

The sun is shining in my bedroom window, covering me like a blanket. I imagine it brushing my hair back, caressing my shoulder as if to say this feeling will pass, hold on.

I feel heavy and sad, my insides are full of shadows. I’m trying so hard to fight the growth of this pain. To guard my heart, protecting it from the darkness. 

I’m struggling to find a new normal. To feel complete instead of feeling like I lost part of myself. I feel lonely and god I miss his touch. I miss his smile when he looks at me. I miss seeing him happy and feeling comfortable. I miss his love for all of my words, whether they be spoken or written. I miss cuddling with him at night curled inside his body, his arms wrapped around me. I miss him taking care of me, a feeling I honestly hadn’t experienced in so very long, loved and admired. 

I wrote that about 3 months ago. I have my good days but sometimes it feels like darkness is creeping around the corner, watching and waiting. Sometimes I can ignore it or tell it to fuck off. But sometimes I take it’s hand and let it wrap itself around me because then I’m not alone. It misses me and even though I do try so hard to be an amazing person, I feel safer in the dark. I’m terrified of any more disappointment, what it will do to me. 

I think back to when we got back together, I hadn’t been so happy in such a long time. And I genuinely gave my heart and soul to him. I thought like a couple probably for the first time in my life. I felt secure and safe and I trusted him with my life. I knew he was my forever. It was such a good feeling.. but it was short lasting and I tried so hard to get him back where we were but he was lost in his own darkness. It was painful to watch and hurt more than being alone. I began to prepare myself. At first when he detached and slept on the couch, I tried to pull him back. Soon I mourned the loss as I watched it happening. We had went through this before so I knew what was happening, where it was going. And I feared losing myself in my grief, and for god sake I can’t do that to my children again. 

I’m trying to set healthy boundaries, to protect my sanity and my stability. But I fear his love has become my drug of choice and just when I think I’m healed he decides to hand me the needle. “Do you want another hit? Just for a minute”. And just like an addict I relapse, which is followed by the sinking of my soul. And I have so much to lose, the pressure of staying strong wraps itself around my chest, squeezing so tightly until I am again crushed.

Confusion

I still go back and forth in my head. Wanting to reach out to my friend and talk about all that’s going on, but I know I can’t. Then confusion sets in. I re-read my last message I sent him, which really is very clear with all that happened… and again I sink. He’s not the same person. 

When he doesn’t have me, he treats me different. Or is it just he changed, this breakdown of his was too much for him to come out the same? 

I’m sure he is working on finding his new forever, and I am trying to accept losing mine. 

Visions of my life

As a little girl and even as a teen, I somehow knew my future. I pictured myself as a single independent woman. Not with a husband who was my best friend or a husband I fought with. I pictured myself with 3 children, two girls and a boy and I even knew I would have my daughters first and my son would be my youngest. I pictured a big white house with a big yard and a couple dogs, small children running in the grass. Since I bought this house 5 years ago I’ve tried to figure out who those small children are. 
Along the way I tried to prove my vision wrong. Falling for a couple guys I told myself it was possible my vision was wrong. Each and every time I was left alone regretting ever thinking they could be the one to prove myself wrong. 

The first one blessed me with my twin girls and the realization that I could only count on myself. He taught me that I was much stronger than I ever could have imagined. I was quickly pushed into single motherhood at just 19 with two beautiful babies on welfare. I was sure I was doing everything wrong but devoted to doing my best. I think back and am amazed at myself. I honestly don’t think I would have fought so hard to become who I am if not for those little sets of eyes that melted my heart. I was sure I could never love anyone or anything as much as those girls. They stole everyone’s hearts and made every kid jealous wishing they could be them. I wanted to make those girls proud and give them a good life full of happiness and love. They gave me purpose.

The next guy took me from myself for a long time but in the end he taught me all about the strength of a mother’s love and forgiving myself. Along came my son, this amazing little boy who I was sure I couldn’t love, but he became the light of our world. Those girls were instantly in love with him and his little hands and tiny toes. He had this beautiful smile and he glowed when he saw me or his sisters. As much as he wanted to love his father, he knew he was not a good man. My son feared his father because of the abuse he witnessed. When that man was done with everything he put us through, it would have been easier for me to down a bottle of pills to escape the reality of what I allowed, and not one person would have blamed me. He put us through a living hell. But those beautiful kids that god blessed me with, I owed it to them to fight. To keep going even when I was sure I couldn’t do it. A mother’s love is the strongest thing in this world. And I had to try my best, even if it wasn’t good enough and even if I fucked up along the way, I could not leave them. And although I still struggle with forgiving myself, I do believe my children forgave me a long time ago.

After that I spent nearly 10 years focused on my kids and myself before dating and getting in another serious relationship. That one taught me how big my heart is and to accept my vision. As much hurt and disappointment I’ve lived through, I still have a great big heart ready to love. I still want to believe in the good in people, even when they don’t have good intentions and my instincts warn me. I want to believe my doubts are wrong. Stupid maybe, but maybe it’s also my big heart and that’s not a bad thing.

In my vision I wasn’t alone and miserable. In fact the sun was shining and I’m laughing. I’m filled with warmth from my life, I felt surrounded by peace and happiness. I knew I lived a comfortable life, not fancy but stable and strong. I knew that I had survived a storm, but I felt the calm of where my life was. I felt love, love for myself and for the journey to get me there. 

I can’t lie

I was fighting for something that wasn’t even there. The beautiful ideas he painted, the empty promises he told and false hope he planted. He couldn’t have been any clearer with any words he said than what his actions said. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hate him now. 

For me, he was my best friend. I shared my world with him, confessed my deepest thoughts, vented about my frustrations. I was generous to him and his children because I loved them all. I saw a future growing old together, sitting on the porch in our rockers. I accepted that he was not a “go-getter” or ambitious because of all the other great things I saw. Correction, all the temporary great things. Again once he settled in, it all stopped. Back came the eggshells and arguing. Me purposely staying late at work to avoid being around his irritability. Me avoiding interacting with him because I didn’t have the energy for the drama. It seemed no matter what I said or did, it upset him. My frustrations grew while he again found a way to stop working and that made him unable to function and crippled with depression he said. I tried, I tried so hard. It all changed so fast and for the first time it felt like I was watching a movie, not living it. 

One night we went to bed for the night and out of no where I started crying, balling and I didn’t know how to tell him why. I knew in my gut where things were going. I knew he had changed back and this man was not who I thought he was. I knew all the kids would be hurt, how much harder this would be for everyone this time because of the hope we all had. I knew what was happening and it literally broke my heart and filled it with disappointment. I had given so much of myself and I knew in that moment what was happening. I could see him clearly and god how that hurt.

He lied with every breath he took. He started sleeping on the couch, I think for attention while he sulked in his “poor me” routine. I reached out to help him, even to his mom for guidance how to help him. All I was told was he was fine and for a short time I felt like it was me. That I brought out this ugly person in him. I filled him with misery because how else could he fall apart again after I did everything for him. I became uncomfortable around him. I sat and watched him more, listened to his words and mannerisms unlike I ever had before. I became so cautious about everything I said or did around him because he was annoyed by everything. He began spitting insults at me, things that were untrue but said to hurt. Every conversation revolved around how I made him feel. He didn’t talk to me anymore unless it was to lash out or complain. Soon enough I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. I resented him for falling apart again. Eventually I didn’t even want him on my couch. I became disgusted by this manipulating useless man who obviously played me. I was humiliated that I gave him everything and again he fucked it up. I became overwhelmed by the disaster he created in my home and the expense of trying to put it back together while supporting everyone on my own. I was appalled that he thought any of his actions should be acceptable. He began trying to intimidate me to fear him as he stomped around MY home. He laughed at the thought that I could make him leave. This was his BIGGEST mistake of all. To carry himself thinking he was in control. I have been through to much in my life to ever allow a man the power to control me, in any way. Bringing police to my home with my children here caused my daughter a full blown panic attack all because he thought he could force me to continue supporting his lazy ass… there was no going back after that. He fucked up to the point I saw him as a complete stranger.

To him, I was a joke. A meal ticket he thought he could manipulate so he could sit on his ass avoiding responsibilities. He spent so much energy lying about what he did and who he was, I was exhausted for him. In the end, he was the ugliest person I knew. He knew what we had been through and he came and broke our mended hearts anyway. 

 Now I realize, I never really knew him at all. 

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