Processing to find clarity 

Sometimes I learn about something and my emotions get so worked up. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute and all I know is I’m feeling pain or rage and I need time to process my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it takes days or weeks, but eventually clarity hits.

I’m a complicated person. Although most women are, I sometimes feel extra special in this area. What can set my alarms off is being lied to. I can’t stand liars. I see them as frauds and fakes. Unfortunately most men I’ve encountered are incapable of being honest. Maybe that’s just humans in general, man or woman.

He lied. We were broke up, that’s true and we both see the cause of that differently. But no question in my mind, it was because of all the doubts caused by his lies. It caused me to question everything about us and anything he said. I was terrified of getting hurt and looking stupid. After everything I’ve been through, I felt I’d rather die. But I came to some realizations.

1. When he says “I’m not talking to anyone” this is a lie. Repeated conversations of me being worried about him because he had isolated himself in his mother’s basement, refusing to communicate with anyone, alone, dark and depressed. I needed to know he was ok. I deserved to know he had reconnected with friends and had a support system. I feel like this lie was just to slather on the guilt or to make me stay alone.

2. He not only had friends, he had women. He was slutting himself out to fill a void. Fine. Whatever. But my god why couldn’t he admit it to me. Instead for five fucking months all I heard was “I’m working on me. I have no interest in dating or meeting anyone. Honestly it’s better this way. I’m better alone. No-one will ever be you and you have my heart and it’s not worth accepting anything less.” Hogwash. Yes he had others, even sexually, but he will never admit that to me and I need to be able to accept that. I learned of somethings that mentally can destroy me, he is trying to protect me from that. Curiosity does kill the cat. Let it go.

3. Repeated conversations about us wanting us but when he was in a better state of mind because we only had one more shot to get this right so it was worth waiting for. I honestly waited faithfully. He honestly did not, and he probably never did and I need to accept that and move on.

4. Men handle loss differently than women. Well, differently than I do. I try to heal. I process and grieve. I go through periods of loneliness and sadness. Pride and independence grow and I always do it alone. Maybe I resent them for being able to connect with others as I struggle through my fears from the disappointment. He, like so many others, throws himself back out there accepting that there are other fish in the sea. While I feel hopeless in losing who I thought was “the one”. What bothers me is the cowardice of hiding the truth. The truth that you are accepting a new future instead of feeding the lies of still working towards ours. But he’s not the first one to do that.

5. I need to understand there will be things he doesn’t want to share and that it’s ok. The downfall to this is I’m learning I also need to not share everything. He can still be my best friend and better half without knowing everything that goes through my mind. Maybe I need to keep some things for me. Maybe I need to learn how to have some secrets or mystery instead of being an open book.

6. I need to stop worrying about the what if’s and just enjoy my life regardless if he’s in it or not. I did get better about this with the help of my beautiful daughter. I need to keep that mind set, always.

7. Get out. Live life. Breathe again. Smile. Laugh. Trust. Have faith. Think positive. Stop worrying what everyone thinks.

8. It’s important to get dolled up and get out of the house. Go on dates. Keep the magic alive. Remind each other how hot you can be when your not stuck in the day to day routine of work, laundry and dishes.

9. Don’t let yourself go. Stay looking damn good. Get out of the sweats sometimes and show your curves. Let your hair down and put on some eyeliner. Feel fierce because you’re amazing.

10. Understand there are lots of other fish in the sea. Yes he’s a fuck up but he wants to be your fuck up. He treats you amazing and your kids. Either accept him completely with his fuck ups or let him go.