Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard. It’s easy to focus on everything wrong and forget all the good. It makes it easier for you to run, to shut yourself off. Less chance of heartache. 

I’ve spent the past 10-15 years building walls. Except for my children, I love everyone from a distance. I avoid connections. I stay detached with my running shoes next to me at all times. When I start to feel my heart warm, I pull away. This is how I am assured to never fall again. To never be rejected or pushed aside. If I don’t care no one can hurt me. But I was hurting myself. With the loneliness and fears. Awareness of this was something I really always had. But now I have something different. Hope for tomorrow and happiness for the future. 

Aha moment

It’s been a very long time since I snapped. I understand hot tempers because honestly mine has been one of the worst. That’s why I completely avoid conflict and drama. They trigger this beast in me, and it’s a mighty beast that takes over and I’m watching from a distance, excluding the black-outs. These are not alcohol induced black-outs. It’s pure rage. I lose control. I lose minutes literally in the blink of an eye. When I come to, it’s after I get body slammed by some dude to control the crazy bitch that was unleashed and I realize I physically attacked someone. I don’t know if people see me as this anymore but I know it’s always there, and I fear that part of me. In truth there were many times I could have been arrested, especially during my marriage. He protected me a few times from that. Probably guilt because he knew he caused it, I think he enjoyed bringing that out of me. Jealousy is an evil darkness for me. Fuck seeing red, my rage is the blackest black.

I think the fear of releasing that monster is why I step away from situations and people completely. I’m terrified of losing control. I take pride in my calm reaction to things now. I know once I lose that I go to another place entirely and it’s full of pain and chaos. I get drunk off the emotions like an alcoholic. Instead I choose peace now.

 

I’m an open, honest and blunt person to a fault. When I allow someone in my tight circle, I will share my world with you. There are no boundaries for our conversations. I will tell you all the details of my soul and I want to know yours. This is how I connect. Not knowing where the line is has caused a lot of people to step away. And I honestly don’t do it intentionally, it’s not meant to hurt anyone. I just crave deep conversations, with raw emotions that make you look hard at things..to grow. 

A few days ago, sitting with my son at his therapy session we were brainstorming to prepare for his IEP meeting at school. The therapist was discussing his communication disorder and what things will help him. We discussed note taking and different ways to use these to be successful throughout your life. I explained what I do and how I use my notes. That I prefer using my hand written notes vs the typed organized version because when I see my hand written notes I’m able to replay the moment in my head, helping me remember the information. The therapist had a “aha” moment and her mouth dropped, she sat closer literally on the edge of her seat and said “do you know you probably also have a communication disorder?”. Mind you, this isn’t just my son’s therapist. After my divorce I saw her myself for over 3 years. She knows me better than anyone. I sat there speachless and frozen and honestly a little embarrassed and finally said “I think I’ve learned a lot about myself by learning about Ryan. We are alike in many ways.” 

Tonight this became even more apparent. Asking my now ex-boyfriend a question, which offended him. Maybe because it’s through text he thought I was starting a fight but I wasn’t. I was asking because I needed deep raw conversation and he is my best friend and I seem to be a retard when ending a relationship. I mean, I’m a very strong independent woman and he’s more the needy, romantic, insecure type and he moved on very fast from our breakup after spending a year and a half beating me with how he wouldn’t be able to move on right away..numerous times implied a year or longer if at all because of his love for me.. it took him at most a month after moving out. I wanted to know what helped him. How do you start over so soon. Not in the “how could you asshole” way, in the “teach me how to be normal” way. And he’s the one whom I tell everything to and have the most raw discussions with. Mind you I was drinking and explained to my 20 year old daughter who said “oh no, you can’t ask him that”. I didn’t understand and asked her to explain. I began crying because I honestly didn’t and still don’t understand. At that moment I thought of my son, and all the conversations he needs explaining appropriate or common sense things. I thought how he gets frustrated and wants it explained more and hears “you should know this, it’s common sense” all day at school. How embarrassed he feels when he doesn’t understand. This was my “aha” moment. 

Feeling blessed

Today was a typical Sunday. I did laundry, we took a mid-day nap, we made dinner together, we ate together and teased each other, I did the dishes while my daughter ran to get us ice cream. I finished up some chores and we ate ice cream then my daughter shaved our family cat. Towards the end she needed help holding him. She hated to ask me, you see I’m allergic of cats. Quickly she finished then told me to go shower while she cleaned the mess. Once I finished, concerned she asked if I was okay. Normally I am sneezing, eyes burning, crying for benedryl. I don’t know why but that meant so much to me, her concerned if I was okay. 

I adore my kids.They remind me all the time how much I’ve taught them, how much respect they have for me. They make me proud of my life. 

Reality is disappointment 

Reality is he is a liar and he did it purposely. His reason, to fool me. To make me believe he was something he wasn’t. To make me see him different than he was. He didn’t care that the lie would hurt me. He only wanted to look better-not be better.

He knew what I had been through. All the heartbreak I have survived. How terrified I was to fall again, to trust the wrong person. He knew I didn’t trust my own judgement especially with people. That’s what hurts the most. He encouraged me to believe, to believe in him. He didn’t care. He just wanted someone to take care of him. Lord knows when all his skeletons began to fall out everything unraveled. He would never be a person I could depend on. Who in the hell creates lies, pretends to go to work. We’re talking about a grown man, a father for christ sakes. 

He was my best friend but I wasn’t his. And in the end he wasn’t really mine either because he did everything to push me away. 

Every single day something comes out, either another silly little lie or a big one and every time I feel kicked in the gut. I believed in his picture, the one he painted to blind me. He convinced me to let down my walls. And the truth is I could accept that he was not a career person. That he was a job hopper, that he’d never have a pot to piss in. I could accept rare dates because his funds didn’t allow it. But the lies. All the god damn lies. Jesus fuck the lies. Everything out of his mouth. I’d rather be alone. Because a relationship with that is worse. 

Accept it for what it was. 

Absorb the lesson, let it sit on your chest for a minute.

Now move on, let it go and don’t look back. You deserve better Heather. 

Still growing



I’m gonna leave this right here <3

My mind is complicated chaos

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I’m lost and empty. I’m guarded and blocked. I’m afraid of any more pain so I hide and avoid living. I am a very fragile person, yet fiercely strong and independent. Complicated chaos.

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Normally when I feel like this, my words flow yet I’m sitting here blank. I have spent the last week drowning myself in quotes from pinterest, hoping something will turn my outlet back on. Looking for my light-switch. Searching for my mind. My heart, mind and soul is so utterly confused and blocked.

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I miss my friend. He wants more than my heart can handle so I took a step back. To breathe, to evaluate myself, and keep things in my comfort zone. To stay protected from the complication that comes with relationships, the pressures, the disappointments, the failures. I’m not ready, I’m terrified. I may never be ready. It’s possible I will stay guarded forever. He’s human with a heart fully invested while mine is still padlocked behind steel doors. He’s broken at the idea that it may never be “us”. He’s hurting, trying to cope and I’m selfish because I just want my friend back. I want the blunt sarcasm. I want the light hearted conversation and the inside jokes we carry.

But I don’t want the pressure of dealing with parenting issues with the ex when there is so much disagreement, bitterness and hidden resentment. Raising kids together when you’re both on different sides, arguing over the expenses and how the kids should be raised. Speaking negatively of the other. That hits too close to home for me, triggering memories and definitely not what he said I was walking into. I literally play a movie in my head of the arguments, tears, frustration, expense and requirements of xanax to cope with co-parenting small kids again. The thought cripples me. He sees me as this amazing mom who raised her kids alone and sacrificed everything, put her kids above all, financially and emotionally provided everything they needed. I did things with my kids that apparently not every mom does-I spent time with them, I enjoyed them, I did activities with them..I colored with them, we painted, created art, cooked, I read to them and with them. I devoted my life to them. I solely supported my family, paid for daycare and sports, clubs, activities completely by myself. I was a supermom, but it almost killed me.

My heart was broken by life, the struggles, the fighting for my kids. And I fucked up a lot too which left this darkness of guilt inside me. The stress of living that life was too much for my fragile mind. I had mental breakdowns in front of my kids. They sometimes had to scrape me off the floor from anxiety attacks and calm me down so I could breathe. I fought with their dads in front of them, screaming matches because I had a fight in me as big as the world and I never backed down. I would become enraged by my ex-husband’s disappearing acts for the bar, cheating, drinking and gambling. When I spoke my mind to him, his reaction was awful and usually ended in a physical fight and when I was in those moments I never stopped to notice that my kids were watching, I didn’t care. I was depressed, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and usually medicated to stay afloat. I’m traumatized by the battles with their dad and his then wife, they were a different kind of cruel. Maybe they killed that fight in me. I waved the white flag and surrendered to their evilness. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how deep those wounds are and how truly scarred my heart is. Maybe I’m too afraid to get back in the ring of life, even if I want to.

If someone can’t come in and give me complete trust that they will not bring any negative energy in my life, I will walk. I’ve been used, abused and taken advantage of so I learned to do for myself and on my own. Less drama that way. Yes it’s lonely, but it’s not scary.

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