Never have I

Never have I felt so loved in this world. It’s a different feeling and I fought it off for a long time, afraid of getting attached and because of that I almost lost him. But his love is hard, deep and pure and he has a fight in him more powerful than all my fears.

He knows me better than I probably know myself. His touch is seductive and sensual, strong but soft. His eyes look at me in amazement and you can see his love sparkle. He is driven to make me happy and I have no idea how I got so lucky to have him. 

Part of me is angry at myself for the time I wasted trying to push him away. I focused on all the things wrong, I refused to accept his love. I couldn’t allow myself to believe someone could love me, especially the way he did. So I guarded myself, protected my heart. But deep down my soul ached for him. His touch, his conversation, his strong arms around my waist, his gaze looking at me. The warm feeling I get when he is near me, secure and adored.

From the first message I felt like I had known him forever. I opened up to him like no one before. As scared as I was of the fall, I couldn’t walk away from him. I couldn’t imagine not having him to make me laugh, or feel his touch. The connection was so strong, it felt like a drug and I needed more. But my fear of losing myself, losing control, that was more powerful. That is until I lost him. Then I crumbled and realized as hard as I tried, as cold as I was, it didn’t work. I still fell for that asshole with every piece of my being. 

Now forever with him doesn’t seem long enough. 


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I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

50 Lifesyle changes for happy and healthy living


Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard. It’s easy to focus on everything wrong and forget all the good. It makes it easier for you to run, to shut yourself off. Less chance of heartache. 

I’ve spent the past 10-15 years building walls. Except for my children, I love everyone from a distance. I avoid connections. I stay detached with my running shoes next to me at all times. When I start to feel my heart warm, I pull away. This is how I am assured to never fall again. To never be rejected or pushed aside. If I don’t care no one can hurt me. But I was hurting myself. With the loneliness and fears. Awareness of this was something I really always had. But now I have something different. Hope for tomorrow and happiness for the future. 

Old soul

The wind so cool.

The sun shining on my face.

Tears coming from my eyes,

And a broken heart in my body.

My love’s so strong that my life’s gone.

I wrote this when I was about 9 years old. Sitting at the dining room table while my Aunt Kathy was drinking coffee and chatting with my mom. I still remember this poem by memory 30 years later and I’m still in disbelief that a child could put those words together. Maybe it was possible because my mom always encouraged my love of poetry. She would surprise me with books, especially poetry books even though she didn’t care much for poetry herself. She called me her little book worm and was proud of my passion for words.

Old soul

I always had a special gift. Even as a child my Aunt would tell me she felt my aura and that I have been here before. That I was a gifted old soul with an intuitive ability, a spiritual calling you would say. Many times she encouraged me to pursue my gift, that not everyone has this ability but she saw it in my eyes and I should learn how to explore it. I sometimes know things before they happen, always have. I get a feeling in my chest when I know something others don’t. Sometimes I get a swirling in my stomach and my head aches, my ears tingle and I stay quiet because a feeling comes over me, maybe a glimpse of a vision. Most would call it your gut instinct, mine is kinda kicked up a notch. Sometimes I listen to it, and sometimes I push through it unsure if it’s the gift or natural fears. That’s the downside, never knowing if I’m walking right past the danger sign or just being a worry wart.

I can read people. I hear the unsaid words and I see the hidden emotions. I absorb them like a towel soaking up a spill and I feel them deep in my soul. It’s exhausting and when it happens, it’s a completely natural sense like smelling a flower. As a result, I always see both sides to a story or situation. I can relate and usually sympathize with all sides. 

Were those words I wrote at 9 carried from a previous life or was I absorbing emotions around me even then? Do I have a special ability that sometimes feels like a curse rather than a gift? If I were to pursue perfecting this would life scare me more or would it ease my fears of the unknown?

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