Why do I love my furr-less sphynx cats?

The wrinkles.

The warmth.

The comfort.

The unconditional love.

The silliness that makes me laugh.

The sweet cuddles.

The joy they bring my life.

How simple their love is.

The excitement they feel when they see me.

The affection.

Making each day start and end with a warm heart.

Watching them play with each other.

The beauty of love in their eyes.

How they know when I am needing extra love.

How amazing they are with my other furr babies.

Their simple automatic love.

Kind playful minds.

Best of all….zero pet hair!

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You didn’t

I fell for a few days. He opened the door, just a crack and the fear of repeating our cycle made me slip. Remembering the process each time before, what he said that made me believe he was devoted to me, and how devastated I was when I found out the truth and the desperation I felt after. Feeling like I couldn’t function, getting drunk and passed out on my bathroom floor, getting picked up by my daughter. Just for him to fuck it all up again.

I wish we could be friends, me and the person I thought he was. But I know that’s just me still struggling to let go of what I thought we had. He was my best friend but he’s not a safe person for me. And although I’m still struggling to accept that, I’m beginning to understand it. He has shown he’s not the person he claimed to be, not even close. And I’ve never been good at protecting myself from people like that.

Can I eventually forgive him for the disappointment he’s caused? Could we keep a safe boundary to salvage our friendship? Or am being foolish thinking there’s a good person behind all his mistakes? I just want to believe in the good in people and it’s always been an expensive humiliating lesson.

Wonderful Wednesday

This little guy brightened my day. This is my first grandbaby. I’m 40 and don’t feel like a grandma, but I am loving it.

Getting closer

I’m at this point yet, but I’m trying to get there. I tend to save a lot of things, good and bad. I know I need to let go of it all. Out of sight out of mind. I need to let them all go. I see pictures of his girls and it makes me sad, they became my family. I’m frustrated with their mom, confused why after I took him back she acted like a stranger to me. Both her and her fiance telling me he was no good for me and I deserved better. But now they are his best friends? How does someone tell me “I told you he wasn’t going to change, I don’t know why you thought this time would be any different” making me feel stupid..then when I do what they recommended, they pair up with the person they claimed was the poison and block me out?

He’s doing good now. He’s sober and being there for those beautiful girls which is all I ever wanted. He wasn’t able to do that with me, well not for long. If you love something, truly love it, you will sacrifice whatever it takes for their happiness. I’m accepting that those girls are better off without me in the picture. Being in the picture seems to complicate their dad’s stability.

Love bug

This little love bug is my new baby. And oh.my.freaking.god. I am so excited! Me and my daughters go pick him up this weekend which will be our first road trip. I never thought I could love a cat so much because I am allergic to their hair. So this little guy is the best of both worlds, no hair! Sphynx cats rule!

Mother’s pride

Lately I’ve been engulfed with pride. I look at my children and I think of all the years that’s passed and all the beautiful memories and I feel happiness.

I think of Ashley reading to me to practice and how it relaxed me so much it put me to sleep, and how that made me try harder to read stories to Ryan with them. I think about baking that lemon blueberry bread from scratch with Breanna because she wanted to be a baker. I wanted to encourage any passion they felt. I think of the crazy outfits Ryan would put together as he created a new superhero and how we’d all burst out laughing. I remember spending a whole weekend morning until night as we watched Law and Order SVU and made snowflake Christmas ornaments together. The dining room was my favorite room in the house, next to the kitchen because we were always crafting or cooking. I remember being with them, enjoying them and laughing together, honestly the best sound in the world. I think of all we have overcame and how easy they made it to be a single mom, one that put her children first. I think of how close we are still and it melts my heart. I love that my kids enjoy being around me even when they don’t have to.

They are my world and my sole purpose. On my worst day if I’m feeling down or insecure, I look at my kids and how amazing they are and remind myself “if I created them and helped shape them into these beautiful people, I’m fucking amazing too”.

Evolving with clarity

I’ve survived more than one disappointing person. And I always go back too many times to make sure I will have no regrets. I know I did everything and gave my all and the collapse wasn’t mine. Sadly it was just the wrong person again. Everyone told me he would not change and I deserved better. I took the chance and took him back, and lost a friend in the process. But still no regrets. I needed every piece of this painful process to get me where I am.

~ It was when he continued making choices he knew would hurt me that I realized I can’t do this. I have lived this life before, this relationship and I barely survived it. He is no different and I refuse to go back to that life. I can’t keep trying for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

It’s weird this time I felt a weight release, like the chain to an anchor snapped. I felt the darkness and negativity rise up and like a cloud of smoke it crawled out of my home. I feel relieved and clear, knowing I did not fail. I don’t feel sad or depressed at the ending. I don’t hold on to memories of good times making me miss him because this time I realize it was all fake, temporary. Some people enjoy chaos but it is not for me. I can’t be with someone I can’t respect. I feel complete and whole knowing I deserve better. And my god I realize how amazing my family is. The connection I have with my kids, a bond like no other. I found myself looking at my life and all my accomplishments and gifts, and none of them was him. Nothing he brought to my life made things better. If someone isn’t making life better, it’s not for you.

Although I am confused how someone could paint a picture of such beauty but the reality is they live a life void of that, entirely by choice. It does make me doubt people more. How someone can create a fake facade of being a dedicated dad, devoted to his children working hard for a better life and sacrificing everything for his loved ones but life just hasn’t been fair to him. Lies. False identity. In denial of his truth or ashamed but not enough to become someone he’s proud to be. Surrounding himself with those who accept his failures and allow him to be an empty person. That is the saddest part of it all… he doesn’t want to change or be better. He enjoys the misery and pity that comes from his life choices. But he knows no better, and doesn’t want to. That is heartbreaking.

I choose to evolve. To move on from the doubts and conflict, and the damage to my soul. I choose more, better, calm and clarity, focus and determination, success and love. Pride in who I am and loving my simple life. Feeling excitement for all the un-opened chapters to come.

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