Light needed

I need some of this right now…

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I look at this picture and imagine the day was long and hot…the sand on the beach baking in the afternoon sun. The light absorbed in my skin. I soak in the warm rays as they comfort my soul, hug my body, recharge my heart, and sooth my mind. I lay in the shallow water, still warm from the hot day. The waves of the water rocking back and forth, almost massaging and caressing my legs. I pinch the sand between my toes. And I let the sand fall from my hand like an hourglass. It’s peaceful, and beautiful. I release all my worries to the sky.

But today’s weather gives me this….

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I see the light reminding me it’s still there. Whispering “soon, I promise”… today I feel run down from my thoughts. My emotions still under control but definitely getting heavy again. My body is exhausted…but I’m not where I was and I need to focus on my progress. I see the light shining through, almost patting my back, telling me I’m almost through this… “hold on because I promise it’s going to be very good very soon”. At least, that’s what I hope its saying.

Letter to myself 4.5.2016

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You know there are too many red flags..

   – But will there ever not be red flags?

When you are constantly up and down in a relationship, you know that’s not healthy.. this is not what you have fought for.

   – But what if he’s right, what if it’s my fears that cause the roller coaster? What if I’m looking for the issues?

Did you really have to look hard? He has secretly drank at your home, in front of your kids, in front of his kids… He has been dishonest about many things which is why you don’t trust his words… He has stepped way out of line with other women saying extremely inappropriate things on social media for all to see, even your children which is why now you aren’t comfortable with mild comments he says to other women.. he created this.. he said it would stop, now he’s back to saying you’re upsetting him because he’s so crazy about you, it offends him you would be bothered by this?!

   – But he loves me..

That doesn’t mean you have to accept this… if he truly loved you, it wouldn’t be an issue for him to stop with these other girls/women… he says he would do anything and give up anything to be with you, then why does he need to argue and defend this behavior? You’re not asking for him to stop talking to females, or to stop having female friends… you’re asking him to respect your feelings.

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   – True…

And the things he’s throwing in your face that he’s done for you, getting a vehicle, getting an apartment, looking for a stable job, being a better dad, being faithful…these are all things an adult does..things he should have done before meeting you. Not to mention, he can’t praise you for helping him achieve these things just to turn around and throw in your face “this proves I love you, I did this for you”… so he didn’t plan on growing up? Is he resenting you for encouraging him to be self sufficient, to be an involved dad (as he has ALWAYS claimed to be)? He’s telling you that you should be grateful because he doesn’t hop around with other women, women he admits he would just use for his own selfish financial gain… this is supposed to make you feel loved and secure?

   – Actually it just reminds me that he’s capable of that and probably still looking for the next one he can use.

Is that someone worthy of your heart? You hurt now and your disappointed, but you have been through worse than this woman! Yes you were lonely and lowered your standards.. You will wake up tomorrow and be fine. Life will go on, you will take the lessons from this situation and let it go. You’re getting back to you, finding yourself- mind, body and soul. Focus on your work, projects around your house, and getting back in shape.. you’re gonna rock this! And you don’t need this drama dragging you down.. its one thing after another with him. He still has a lot of growing to do, self healing, he needs to do that on his own.

   -thank you… gosh I love me