Life lesson 423

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Protected in pillows

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I’m very familiar with this life lesson. Yes it’s a painful lesson, and usually affects more than just myself.

The other day while driving home, I had a conversation with my daughter about people’s behavior and how best to interact. Attempting to educate her with some lessons I’ve learned along the way, I realized I couldn’t think of having this conversation with my mom at that age. How I wish my mom had been able to share guidance for me along my journey, save me some pain and time. I’m not sure that she has much awareness on lessons, she’s stubborn like a bull and rarely admits when she’s wrong. But seeing her ways has taught me to open myself to the need to internally grow. Luckily, I’ve met some amazing people that have been able to verbalize some great experiences to help me.

I’ve recently really put myself out there. Dating isn’t something I enjoy. Yes, the newness is fun in the beginning, but I just want to relax and be myself. I yearn being in sync with someone, having a person who just gets me, thinks of my response before I even say it. I can say this fella, he gives me a reminder that maybe it’s possible to find that. And he genuinely seems to be in awe of my awesomeness. But I’m still scared. Scared of losing myself. Scared of realizing too late that with him came baby mama drama, not being fully available, another person who made me laugh and smile but ended up hiding a darkness that I should have seen.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my judgment. I don’t ever want to be the person I used to be. The fear of that alone is enough to make me run. To make me curl into a ball, buried in pillows and blankets, and wonder “what if” from a safe distance. Because at least in that, my heart is safe. Lonely and empty, a little bit dark, but protected.

Closure (officially)

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Today honestly marks a huge milestone. I’ve completely accepted what wasn’t and what is and officially closed the chapter. Uninterested in looking back. In the past every time I accepted things, deep down I thought “it’s only temporary for now”. I’m not sure if it’s how I coped, or because my heart wouldn’t let go, or because I wasn’t really ready to see it for what it was. But today, I spoke to this person and I felt nothing. No aching. No sadness. And once I said my piece of the conversation, I was done with it. No crying or thinking all night, withdrawing from life to process all my confused feelings.

I was just done. Not a single tear. No tossing and turning wondering anything.

I don’t feel sorry for him, granted I never should have, but I always did. I’ve always said feelings can not be controlled, they are what they are.

And I didn’t care to drag the conversation out or help him work through his feelings, I have no interest in them. I didn’t get sucked into his lies and efforts to turn things around, because poor him. I didnt get all worked up. Finally, I really just didn’t care. And for me, a true test is speaking to him, hearing the voice of this person, but it didn’t affect me. The conversation honestly meant nothing to me, I was just annoyed that I had to give two seconds of my day to him. Well it meant one thing, I’ve officially reached the end of that chapter, closed the book with a very rare “I don’t even desire to talk out my frustrations or pain” it’s just a situation that I refuse to go, ever again. I’m glad he has another that plays the “torture each other game”. And truthfully, he deserves her because I was never good at torturing him, just myself and my family after I fell apart. 

I’m not caring to look back anymore, just ahead. And for once in my life, I don’t need to know what’s coming, as long as I stay away from where I’ve been.

24 hours

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The Tragic Love Story Of Christy Mack and MMA Fighter War Machine

http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/12627754/the-tragic-love-story-christy-mack-mma-fighter-war-machine

What a strong and brave woman. This story describes how quickly you can lose yourself with a dangerous person.

Steps for my sanity

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I’ve made this step before. It’s necessary and it’s embarrassing that I seem to have back-peddled. But taking the step is crucial to my sanity.

Some people are like chameleons.
We want to believe they are good. The positive fun colors, bright yellow and glowing red. Happiness and love. Maybe because we gave so much to the person or the relationship. Maybe because we are stuck in the wrong time, memories playing in our head like a movie we can’t seem to stop. Usually because we want so badly to be able to trust our own judgements of who we give ourselves to. Maybe we haven’t really dealt with the situation in our heart. Unable to fall apart so we buried the pain and suffering deep down. And it continues to creep it’s way out, and you still don’t want to process those feelings so you try to keep pushing them down. Medicating the toll it’s taking on your health. Life has a way of forcing us to break down. We are all human and it’s part of our journey. To fall in love, get broken and find the path to true love. Loving ourselves. We must allow the process or we get stuck on repeat.

Some people are just the dark colors. Dysfunction. Chaos. Drama. Lies. Manipulation. And sometimes we put on blinders so not to see the very obvious. But when the darkness keeps taking over, whether like a slow black smoke cloud flowing over everything in its path or like a hurricane storm thrashing pain and damage all around, you must step away. Run. You must save yourself. You are no good to those you love if you lose yourself.

Sometimes we learn things immediately, catching on right away. Sometimes we must beat the lesson in ourselves, over and over again. Just remember it’s a sign your heart was too big and when there’s empty space we sometimes fill that with unnecessary things.

It’s time to clear the clutter from your mind, body & soul. Pick up the important pieces to keep and donate the useless crap to someone else. You don’t need it.

A mothers guilt

I have said those words to myself a thousand times, but typing those words out for all the world to see…(deep breath)..it stings a little…

A mothers guilt…this mothers guilt.

I can speak as a mom, and I by no means am trying to say ALL moms feel this way, or are this way, but I hope there are others who understand.

We have to make decisions that will affect our children’s lives. It will affect who they become, and there’s always going to be those stories they tell people about their memories of things, good, bad and in-between. I have stories about my mother. My mom lost her mother at a very young age, so she didn’t get the privilege (I mean that) to complain to her mom about how her own kids (one of which is me 🙂 ) were driving her crazy. Or ask her mom “how did you do it mom!” or to say what I have said a gazillion times to my mom “I’m so sorry for what I put you through”. Mostly I apologize for being a self centered, lazy teenager. And my mom smiles and says “you don’t have to apologize to me”. Yes I do. That’s how I show my mom how differently I see things now as a mother compared to how I saw them as that bratty teenager. And they are not just words to me, I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. I’m sure my mom doesn’t want my apology because, well, because she’s mom. Mom’s understand their kids will make mistakes, lots of them in fact. Moms hope they can help avoid some obvious mistakes, but I’m learning sometimes us moms must sit back and let the rocks tumble. But when things go wrong and it hurts our kids we moms are always so hard on ourselves, that wonderful “mothers guilt”.

This is going to sound crazy, but I really got lucky with my girls. I was 18 when I got pregnant. I didn’t even know how to take care of myself let alone a baby or two!  Which meant I didn’t eat right, I didn’t sleep enough, or I slept to much, I skipped my prenatal vitamins a lot (they made me nauseous) I stressed myself to tears daily. I was unhappy. I was 18, unmarried, and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me after I got pregnant. I had to drop out of college, lost my scholarship. I lost my job because I got put on bed rest. I already felt the mothers guilt. I felt bad for bringing my kids into a single parent home, with no dad in the picture (at the time) and I had no money to take care of them. The depression I felt was actually my mothers guilt I’m sure.

As a kid I dreamed of a fancy future, a high paying career, I was going to be someone important! I always remember picturing myself in a loft downtown with an area for my art with paint brushes and a work in project sitting on an easel. Anyway, being an 18 year old unemployed single pregnant teen was the farthest thing from my dream. My dad was dying of cancer, my mom was in her midlife crisis and my best friend dumped me. I was a depressed wreck. But a miracle happened, well 2. I gave birth to two beautiful and healthy baby girls who brightened my world beyond my imagination. They had a few minor health issues as babies, but overall they were very healthy babies! By 6 months they slept through the night. They weren’t picky eaters, I just had to cut up the meat and hide it in mashed potatoes. They were full of smiles and giggles and they shined everywhere we went. I eventually got back to college. I didn’t think I could love anything or anyone as much I loved those girls! I was lonely sure, but I didn’t really picture myself with anyone. I accepted it was me and them girls forever. So I spoiled them, dressed them alike, gave lots of hugs and kisses, did their hair every day in pig tails, I enjoyed them because as far as I was concerned they would be my only children. Then life threw me a curve ball, well a lot of curve balls and with each of those came more guilt.

I met a guy, looking back I’m honestly mad at my mother for encouraging it. But she was just happy to see me happy again and the idea of me not having to raise my girls alone was nice. What a fool I was. I can’t express how much guilt I have locked away over this one, but it is what it is. Lessons were learned. I became a much stronger person from it all. And in 2002 I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. It was a very, very, very difficult and long delivery. I was in labor for over 27 hours and actively pushed for nearly seven hours, mind you this after having my twins by c-section. My son was 9 pounds and he couldn’t get out. I have guilt over picking that quack doctor.

From day one Ryan had health issues. He didn’t sleep, he was always hungry but like the girl from the exorcist, he threw everything up. It was awful. Jaundice, fevers, ear infections, acid reflux (I never knew a baby could have that!) eczema, sick all the time he was. The guilt over his birth still eats at me. I was again going through another pregnancy alone but this time also raising twin four year olds. The last thing I wanted was to be raising 3 kids by two different fathers alone, going through a divorce. What a catch I made my myself! At least I had a job this time. (there’s my sarcasm) Do I need to explain where the mothers guilt fits in this part of the story? God I hope not!

Fast forward through a lot of crappy choices that came with more of..you guessed it… mothers guilt.

Let’s see, I have no idea where to start on this part… Hmm.. okay, 2004 was the first time I took Ryan in for outside help. Ryan was always so much more work than my girls were. I’m sure I’m exaggerating but I honestly remember the girls always being so easy. You said “no, don’t touch that” they didn’t touch it. Shocking I know! I mean, they’d give me a poutty face, immediately followed by a big smile and a “shake that booty..uh uh..shake that booty baby” such easy kids. Ryan is a tester, a button pusher, he likes to test the limits and push buttons. He’s honery! Anyways, 2004 fast forward through alot of mis-diagnoses, therapy, behavior modification, medical tests and hospitalizations…and the overwhelming guilt that comes with all that… Ryan actually has Epilepsy, and ADHD. He’s a great kid though. He’s funny, charming, peculiar, artistic, loving, smart, jokester, thoughtful. But he’s had a rough road, course thank god he had me and his sisters because it takes a whole lot of love to get a person through what he was.

And the guilt over all the stuff I fast forwarded through? Well there’s just so much to explain, to sum it up, I learned how to be my child’s advocate. I learned how to navigate my way through the system. The medical, the insurance, the doctors, the school, IEP’s, I became obsessed with it all. Why? My guilt. It’s silly really. Most people don’t know about this stuff, we trust the doctors and the schools to do right by us and our kids. BUT I learned a very important lesson. We must educate ourselves too, moms (and dads if they are involved) are the most important person to stand and fight for our kids.

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