12 Things Happy People Do Differently

Feeling Womanish

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

I can be pretty dark and snarly, at times. Perky people can get on my last good nerve . . . . most of those times are usually before I’ve had a cup, or three, of coffee. But, most of the time, I wonder what makes them tick. Why are they so happy? Especially at o’dark-thirty in the morning?!

Well, I may not have all the answers, yet. But, here are some clues as to what makes them tick. I can’t say that they’re all that bad. I’m going to try a few out. Lemme know what you guys think.

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Soul Searching

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I’m in need of some soul searching.  Are we born with our path? Does god find a way to bring the people in our life he’s meant for us? And why are there people (like me) who seem to be missing someone.  Is my path to go through life alone?

I’m realizing how fast the days turn to months and months into years. I’m 36 this year..thirty-six…THIRTY-SIX! I swear I was just 19 giving birth to beautiful twin girls…then before I knew it I was 25, in a terriful marriage giving birth to my wonderful son. I look back & realize how much time I wasted in life waiting for tomorrow. 

Tomorrow things will get better.  Tomorrow I will go back to school & finish my degree.  Tomorrow I will start having a social life. Tomorrow I will have the energy to move passed all my past. To many days I’ve said “tomorrow but for today I will stay safely in my comfort bubble”. Anyone who knows me understands why. I’m one of those people you could say “if it wasn’t for bad luck she wouldn’t have any luck”. And I feel selfish even thinking that. I could have had a much harder life I’m sure. I’ve managed to support my family myself. Me and my 3 children. We’ve had some VERY financially tight times, but I’m proud to say we all stuck together& got through them. My kids never complain of our “simple” Christmas or birthday gifts or lack of my ability to give them what most kids have. And my daughter’s dad has been very good about keeping them current with the times and they are more than understanding that since they get so much from their dad, I need to do more for my son. I spend a lot of energy on guilt though and it’s really stupid. I feel guilty of the life I brought them in. I really have zilch for family. The family I do have is so damaged and brings a lot of stress and pain in our lives. It wasn’t always that way, but I guess people change…a lot! I feel guilty that I don’t have a support system to offer them besides myself, I wish I had more close friends who we kept in touch with to fill in the void of a family. Now if you ask my son or daughter they would say I’m more than enough because I’m such a good mom, very supportive and involved,  always there for them, and do everything in my power I can for them. I think they know the sacrifices I’ve made to be the mom I am.

But all of it has left me lonely and ill. My health the last two years has been a huge issue. And when you spend so much time feeling like crap it leaves you feeling depressed and angry. Why angry? Because I want to have the energy I used to have! I want to have a life again! I think of 20 things a week I want to accomplish but I’m lucky if I do 5. I’ve gained weight and lost the fit & trim figure I fell in love with. Is this what happens after 35!?! I want to go out and live life! I need to find friendships that stay connected.

My girls are seniors in high school. We talk about colleges and career goals. My son is finishing elementary school. Next year is junior high for him. My kids are almost grown up! Where did the time go! Too many “tomorrow’s” have passed. I pray our relationship is stronger and closer than what I have with my family. So much bad blood between my relatives left us not even wanting each other in life. It’s shocking but yes, I’ve been burned by all. I’m one of those people who gets taken advantage of by my mom and siblings (except for one and he lives across the other side of the country!). I’m too nice and can’t seem to follow boundaries to keep myself guarded. I just want them to care as much about me as I do them.
I pray I’ve raised my kids to value our family and each other. I pray they always look out for each other and stay in touch with each other and me.

What is my next chapter?

Papa

I miss you so. Sometimes I get flashes of a memory to remind me of what a great dad you were to me, the little girl who wasn’t even yours.

In the 6th grade you took me to school, it was winter and icy. I had to carry my clarinet to school for practice. I stepped out of the car, an embarrassing old car, one of your many automobile purchases, I slipped on the ice and fell…hard. I was crying, I had hurt my wrist if I remember correctly. You just put the car in park and ran to me, scooped me up and carried me into the school nurse’s office, leaving the car running in the drop off lane. I remember someone yelled at you “you can’t leave your car there!” You didn’t even flinch at them. I cried about my clarinet, I had dropped it. You ran back outside to get it for me and came right back to my side.

I miss you papa.
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What about our plans?

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We were supposed to get a pedicure,  my first one ever! And dinner, and sit on the patio again venting & laughing over a bottle of wine instead of our usual margaritas. For some reason you wanted wine. I figured you’d tell me all about what changed your taste buds while we chatted. I was excited of our plans to do Black Friday shopping together. Something you loved to do but I just wanted to watch you work your magic with that big smile and laugh of yours. You know I wasn’t excited about going out shopping at 3 in the morning when I’d rather be in bed catching some z’s, but doing it with you made me excited about it. Something I figured we’d do each year together from this year on.

I worry that I wasn’t there enough for you, as you were for me. But you always told me “your a good friend Heather”. Did you not know how much I loved you? Or my kids,  how much you mean to us? I’m angry we couldn’t do holidays together like you wanted.

You knew I had no one, Ryan had no one, so you made yourself part of our life. When no one else did, you reached out to me and we’d talk all day! When life hit me too many times and I was ready to give up, you kept me up. You always reminded me of my kids and how strong I was and that I can get through it. You’d say “we’ll get through this, I’ll help you!” Why are you gone!  I’m not ready to let you go! I want to be selfish and tell god “NO! You can’t have her yet! We love her too much!”

Everyone lost a piece of themself the day you died. How did you not know how much you were loved?! I know you have been hurting for a long time, and I know you said it had to get easier or you couldn’t manage anymore, but I DIDN’T KNOW YOU MEANT THIS! Why didn’t you tell me! You said it was getting better! I’m so sorry I missed your last call. I was at work and couldn’t answer. I worried something was wrong and I meant to text you or call but I forgot, and when you didn’t leave a message or text I figured you were just calling on your break to check in and say hi. Why didn’t you tell me you needed me!! I want to rewind the clock so I can answer the phone! I want to remind you that I was still waiting to hear what your schedule was so me and Ryan could come see the new house. Most of all I want to make sure you really know HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!! I’m sorry you felt so lonely. I hate that you thought this was really an option! I’m angry and sad and hurt and confused and pissed off! I’m pissed off your gone! I’m pissed off you were hurting!  I’m pissed off god took you! I’m pissed off we kept putting off our plans! I’m sad and angry to think how you felt that day. I’m sad & angry you didn’t reach to me. I’m hurt your gone. I’m confused that this is real and not a bad dream.

What about our plans!?

I am trying to think of how I can see this differently. All I can come up with is I need to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me. And I need to stop saying “tomorrow” or “next weekend” and just do..just live now! I need to laugh more. I need to make sure I’m the best mom to my kids and learn when I need to take a step back. I need to remember nothing is final, life changes all the time. And I pray you will still be by my side pulling me through life’s struggles when it all gets too heavy for me. I pray you continue to look out for me and help guide (or push) me where I need to go. I’m grateful I still can hear you in my heart, I hope it’s really you giving me messages and not me going crazy thinking it’s what you would say. I pray your soul is at peace and your not hurting.  Please visit me, don’t forget about us.