We just call him Ryan

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I love this picture. This is me and my son at Christmas 2010. This Christmas marked the change in his life, in our lives. About a month after this picture we finally found out what was really wrong with him. He has Epilepsy. But at the time we took this picture we didn’t know that yet. We were told my son was genetically defected and diagnosed with every mental disorder. ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), depression, mood disorder and even bipolar disorder. All by the time he was 8 years old. He was on just about every type of psych med with 9 prescriptions. About a month before this Christmas photo was taken I was fed up and finally stood up to the doctors. I educated myself about any and every thing the doctors labeled him with, the medications and the side effects. I obsessed over it. I was fed up with them just throwing on another pill when his side effects got worse. I was fed up of him getting worse instead of better. I was fed up of believing those doctors and giving them all the power to do whatever to my son. If he was bipolar I was ready to accept that but damn it I was fed up with all their damn guesses. 9 prescription pills my son took each day and I was angry at myself for allowing the doctors to let it get to that point. After three attempts at partial hospitalization, we admitted him into the hospital. At eight years old my son was placed into the psychiatric unit in the hospital. He was in the hospital for two weeks and we even celebrated his 9th birthday there.

I look at this picture and realize there was a before and after. Before the diagnoses and after. I think back of all that has happened and there was one night that literally saved us both. 

My son had been released from the hospital and home for the first time in years without any medication. What was scary was we found out he really had Epilepsy but the hospital couldn’t get a pediatric neurologist to see my son. So after my constant badgering and bitching the doctor finally agreed to release him and gave me a list of appointments I needed to make. To get in with a neurologist was a 3 month wait. But I didn’t care, I was so excited to bring him home!! 

He started reading. He just sat in his room reading!! Now that’s just crazy talk…nope it’s true. I remember him telling me before he would look at the pages and it just looked like alphabet soup. But now when he looked at the pages the words came alive because he could read them. I think all those meds really messed with him but they also numbed the pain of our past for him. See three years before this we had moved from our home, the only one my kids knew and started all over leaving the past behind. The past being my son’s father who was abusive in many ways and we finally got away.

Fast forward. Extensive neuro psych testing found the rest of the pieces. No depression. No bipolar. He has Epilepsy, ADHD, non-verbal learning disorder(think high functioning aspergers/autism), and sensory processing disorder. But we just call him Ryan. 

Now Ryan is almost 16. He’s a sophomore in a regular high school with an IEP (individualized education plan). This year will likely be his last year needing the social skills class which will allow him to take an elective class like photography. Next semester he’s signed up for ROTC. He wants to be a police officer and help people. He has a girl friend and loves who he is. He is thoughtful and caring. Funny and still obnoxious. He is a great kid and I am in awe of who he has become. Somehow this amazing kid with a shocking past is beating the odds and this mom couldn’t be prouder.

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Visions of my life

As a little girl and even as a teen, I somehow knew my future. I pictured myself as a single independent woman. Not with a husband who was my best friend or a husband I fought with. I pictured myself with 3 children, two girls and a boy and I even knew I would have my daughters first and my son would be my youngest. I pictured a big white house with a big yard and a couple dogs, small children running in the grass. Since I bought this house 5 years ago I’ve tried to figure out who those small children are. 
Along the way I tried to prove my vision wrong. Falling for a couple guys I told myself it was possible my vision was wrong. Each and every time I was left alone regretting ever thinking they could be the one to prove myself wrong. 

The first one blessed me with my twin girls and the realization that I could only count on myself. He taught me that I was much stronger than I ever could have imagined. I was quickly pushed into single motherhood at just 19 with two beautiful babies on welfare. I was sure I was doing everything wrong but devoted to doing my best. I think back and am amazed at myself. I honestly don’t think I would have fought so hard to become who I am if not for those little sets of eyes that melted my heart. I was sure I could never love anyone or anything as much as those girls. They stole everyone’s hearts and made every kid jealous wishing they could be them. I wanted to make those girls proud and give them a good life full of happiness and love. They gave me purpose.

The next guy took me from myself for a long time but in the end he taught me all about the strength of a mother’s love and forgiving myself. Along came my son, this amazing little boy who I was sure I couldn’t love, but he became the light of our world. Those girls were instantly in love with him and his little hands and tiny toes. He had this beautiful smile and he glowed when he saw me or his sisters. As much as he wanted to love his father, he knew he was not a good man. My son feared his father because of the abuse he witnessed. When that man was done with everything he put us through, it would have been easier for me to down a bottle of pills to escape the reality of what I allowed, and not one person would have blamed me. He put us through a living hell. But those beautiful kids that god blessed me with, I owed it to them to fight. To keep going even when I was sure I couldn’t do it. A mother’s love is the strongest thing in this world. And I had to try my best, even if it wasn’t good enough and even if I fucked up along the way, I could not leave them. And although I still struggle with forgiving myself, I do believe my children forgave me a long time ago.

After that I spent nearly 10 years focused on my kids and myself before dating and getting in another serious relationship. That one taught me how big my heart is and to accept my vision. As much hurt and disappointment I’ve lived through, I still have a great big heart ready to love. I still want to believe in the good in people, even when they don’t have good intentions and my instincts warn me. I want to believe my doubts are wrong. Stupid maybe, but maybe it’s also my big heart and that’s not a bad thing.

In my vision I wasn’t alone and miserable. In fact the sun was shining and I’m laughing. I’m filled with warmth from my life, I felt surrounded by peace and happiness. I knew I lived a comfortable life, not fancy but stable and strong. I knew that I had survived a storm, but I felt the calm of where my life was. I felt love, love for myself and for the journey to get me there. 

Life is good



Apology to my children


1- I am the one who ignored his red flags. 

2- I am responsible for bringing him in my children’s lives. I took the risk with all our hearts and time by bringing someone in who I should have known was capable of having a negative impact. I was selfish in not considering how it would affect my kids to see me so close to an unhealthy man again. 

3- I pray my children forgive me.

4- I have completely closed the door.

5- I will again show you that strong independent amazing mom who makes you proud to have. Our lives will only continue to get better, be better and fulfilling.

Word porn Wednesday 7.5.2017


I am a rarity 

I have said this most of my adult life. I know there are not many, if any, in this world like me. 

Today is literally independence day, coincidence?

I can feel the changes inside. My soul is whispering “you are strong and wise beyond your years. You have so much to teach your children. Keep the warmth inside your heart, don’t let life turn you cold and bitter. Be brave and continue to love. You my dear are a priceless gift. Continue to use the pain and disappointment to strengthen yourself. It will teach you appreciation. Take the lessons life is offering and absorb them in your core. Share your wisdom with the world. Stand tall, proud and confident.” 

I am Heather

I keep thinking about the last 2 months. How quickly you changed once you moved in. The eggshells we all walk on around you, your miserable attitude and hate for life. I keep thinking about our last deep talk on the couch and how psychotic you seemed, how evil and cruel. And I keep asking myself why am I helping you? Why am I letting you stay one more minute here.. you put yourself in this situation and you knew exactly what you were doing. This time it’s not about your selfish world crashing. Its about you trying to destroy mine and my kids world, for continuing to scar your kids. Its about you refusing to grow up and be a good man, a father your kids can depend on and be proud of. Its about all the god damn deception. 

Am I hurt? Absolutely. But it’s a different hurt. I don’t miss you, I miss what you said it was. I miss the (always temporary) admiration you have for me. I am disappointed in myself for believing you, for giving you a chance, for loving your kids, for believing we were a team. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you lie to me and for knowing better but wanting it to be true. I’m angry for you disappointing my kids and yours, all who have seen enough disappointment in their young lives. I’m angry you want this repeating exhausting cycle, since for over 2 years all I’ve heard is how you want better and will do it. Truth is you are in no better a place now than when we met. I’m disappointed I fell for all your bullshit. I’m disappointed in myself for ever believing you. I’m angry that I am being nice to you. I’m pissed you reminded me why I stayed alone for 10 years. I’m disgusted you make everything about you and your mental state, sulking when anyone has had enough of your shit. I’m sad you make your life you needing, taking and depending on others when you have so much potential to be a great man. I’m sad you have no understanding of loyalty or integrity. Mostly I’m sad I ignored it all for too long. 

BUT I am grateful for my strength. Proud of the person I am and the love I have to give. Thankful for all the struggles and pain I’ve been through and my determination to be better each and every day. I’m proud of my hard work and what I have achieved on my own. I have walked away from everything and built my life better than before. I am proud how I push myself to succeed and that I won’t accept failure. I am Heather, and yes I know I’m one amazing badass filled with greatness and I’m done allowing you to mooch and suck out my energy. 

Please find it in your heart to stop using this amazing woman who is a single mom. It is not my job or responsibility to finacially provide for you, nor is it your parents or ex-wife’s. The fact that you have absolutely no where to go should tell you what you have been doing isnt working because everyone in your life has had enough. You need to figure it out and stand on your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and every scar you have gotten in your 38 years and ask yourself “how can I see this differently?”. 

Focus on all the love around you. 

Your parents go above and beyond for you, that’s a gift. 

They are alive and healthy and not only able to be there, they choose to, gift. 

Your girls crave seeing you happy, stable and strong because they love you and want you in their life, gift. 

You have an amazing friendly personality that is so much fun to be around, gift. 

Sarcasm and humor, gifts.

You are a jack of many trades, able to do a wide variety of things, gift. 

You are physically stronger than a bull, gift. 

You have a beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes, gift. 

You can work a room, manipulate even the wisest of people, gift in sales.. Lol

You are smart and your mind is constantly spinning, gift.

You are a kind, loving and caring, gift.

You can be level headed and a great friend to talk to and give advice, gift.

Stop letting yourself drown in self-doubt and just fucking do it all! 

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