ABC’s of Happiness

Sometimes it’s an effort to focus on positivity, but I promise you it’s all around you. You just need to decide what to focus your energy on.

Yesterday was definitely a day I had negative energy surrounding me, by I made the effort to find sunshine and here’s a few examples..

After work coming home and my daughter waiting for our daily chat. I’m so happy that I have this connection. My son comes up and finals at school have exhausted him but he is still in a good mood. He’s found music is his new release, he writes in a notebook converting his emotions into lyrics.

We decided on dinner at our usual spot. Our waitress amazing as usual, and being able to leave a 35% tip makes my heart happy.

I’ve been blessed with many things. Yes I’ve been smacked with some pretty painful hardships but as Maya Angelou says “I still rise”.

On a hard day ask yourself to name 5 things your thankful for. Simplicity is the key.

There was no line at the pharmacy.

You woke up on time for work.

Your child randomly said something nice about you.

You were able to pay rent or your mortgage on time this month.

Gas price went down 3 cents a gallon.

It’s the little things.

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Sunshine growing in my soul

I am a firm believer in taking time to process and feel your pain. Whether it’s a day, a week, a month or a year. Then let it go and find peace with it, move on. I’ve become so good at goodbye from him that the process goes so much quicker now even though the pain is still excruciating. I’m realizing that because I still love him deeply, I can’t keep opening that door for him. I deserve better than reliving this pain everytime. Close the door.

While I know nothing is forever, situations can change in life many times, I also know he is not stable or safe for me right now.

Today the sun is shining.

Today marks a new me.

Today I’m going to mow the grass, pull weeds and get dirt under my nails.

Today I start getting back in shape, back to a healthier me.

Today I will take the time to look up at the sun and let it absorb in my skin and my soul.

Today is all for me.

We just call him Ryan

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I love this picture. This is me and my son at Christmas 2010. This Christmas marked the change in his life, in our lives. About a month after this picture we finally found out what was really wrong with him. He has Epilepsy. But at the time we took this picture we didn’t know that yet. We were told my son was genetically defected and diagnosed with every mental disorder. ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), depression, mood disorder and even bipolar disorder. All by the time he was 8 years old. He was on just about every type of psych med with 9 prescriptions. About a month before this Christmas photo was taken I was fed up and finally stood up to the doctors. I educated myself about any and every thing the doctors labeled him with, the medications and the side effects. I obsessed over it. I was fed up with them just throwing on another pill when his side effects got worse. I was fed up of him getting worse instead of better. I was fed up of believing those doctors and giving them all the power to do whatever to my son. If he was bipolar I was ready to accept that but damn it I was fed up with all their damn guesses. 9 prescription pills my son took each day and I was angry at myself for allowing the doctors to let it get to that point. After three attempts at partial hospitalization, we admitted him into the hospital. At eight years old my son was placed into the psychiatric unit in the hospital. He was in the hospital for two weeks and we even celebrated his 9th birthday there.

I look at this picture and realize there was a before and after. Before the diagnoses and after. I think back of all that has happened and there was one night that literally saved us both.

My son had been released from the hospital and home for the first time in years without any medication. What was scary was we found out he really had Epilepsy but the hospital couldn’t get a pediatric neurologist to see my son. So after my constant badgering and bitching the doctor finally agreed to release him and gave me a list of appointments I needed to make. To get in with a neurologist was a 3 month wait. But I didn’t care, I was so excited to bring him home!!

He started reading. He just sat in his room reading!! Now that’s just crazy talk…nope it’s true. I remember him telling me before he would look at the pages and it just looked like alphabet soup. But now when he looked at the pages the words came alive because he could read them. I think all those meds really messed with him but they also numbed the pain of our past for him. See three years before this we had moved from our home, the only one my kids knew and started all over leaving the past behind. The past being my son’s father who was abusive in many ways and we finally got away.

Fast forward. Extensive neuro psych testing found the rest of the pieces. No depression. No bipolar. He has Epilepsy, ADHD, non-verbal learning disorder(think high functioning aspergers/autism), and sensory processing disorder. But we just call him Ryan.

Now Ryan is almost 16. He’s a sophomore in a regular high school with an IEP (individualized education plan). This year will likely be his last year needing the social skills class which will allow him to take an elective class like photography. Next semester he’s signed up for ROTC. He wants to be a police officer and help people. He has a girl friend and loves who he is. He is thoughtful and caring. Funny and still obnoxious. He is a great kid and I am in awe of who he has become. Somehow this amazing kid with a shocking past is beating the odds and this mom couldn’t be prouder.

Aside

Life is good



I am a rarity 

I have said this most of my adult life. I know there are not many, if any, in this world like me.

Today is literally independence day, coincidence?

I can feel the changes inside. My soul is whispering “you are strong and wise beyond your years. You have so much to teach your children. Keep the warmth inside your heart, don’t let life turn you cold and bitter. Be brave and continue to love. You my dear are a priceless gift. Continue to use the pain and disappointment to strengthen yourself. It will teach you appreciation. Take the lessons life is offering and absorb them in your core. Share your wisdom with the world. Stand tall, proud and confident.”

The power of words

Words.
They can be beautiful and uplifting, or negative and hurtful. 
By simply focusing on words, I have the power to guide my journey.  

Being surrounded by negative energy will have a powerful impact on my emotions. It clouds my thoughts and impedes my growth. Knowing this I need to make it my goal to push those out and replace with postivity and strength. 

I choose to think of positive words. 

Encouraging. 

Uplifting. 

Powerful. 

Successful.

Fearless.

Extraordinary. 

I choose to think of things I enjoy.

Watermelon.

Ice cream.

Boxers.

Halloween.

Laughter.

Family.

Clean bed sheets. 

Sunshine.

I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

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