The power of words

Words.
They can be beautiful and uplifting, or negative and hurtful. 
By simply focusing on words, I have the power to guide my journey.  

Being surrounded by negative energy will have a powerful impact on my emotions. It clouds my thoughts and impedes my growth. Knowing this I need to make it my goal to push those out and replace with postivity and strength. 

I choose to think of positive words. 

Encouraging. 

Uplifting. 

Powerful. 

Successful.

Fearless.

Extraordinary. 

I choose to think of things I enjoy.

Watermelon.

Ice cream.

Boxers.

Halloween.

Laughter.

Family.

Clean bed sheets. 

Sunshine.

I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

Brutal self reflection

Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.

I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net. 

I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that. 

I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears. 

 

Life Lessons #3192017

Regardless if your fucking him or not, he should be especially cautious when your choking on what he served you. If he’s the one his priority will be honoring his words to you and making things right. Not getting laid by someone else and bragging about it.

Learn to forgive yourself for forgetting yourself. Love makes us vulnerable and sometimes we sacrifice what’s best for ourselves in hopes that this is part of the journey on the yellow brick road to happiness. And it always is, it just might not lead where you thought and sometimes you get stuck in quicksand. Learn that this is ok. Love can conquer all, but only with the one truly meant for you. 
 

This may have been more for their journey than yours. You may have been the angel sent to poke and prod them into self reflection, learning to love themselves and how to really treat others. They may need to lose you so that they can grow. Unfortunately your sacrificing part of yourself, jumping in front of the bullet for them. This is an angels job and you were chosen for this. Time will heal the hole for you too.

When you show someone that you are a safe person, a safe haven for them, if they still choose to deceive you that is about them. Their insecurities, their levels of loyalty, it’s about their lack of strength. Don’t internalize this as something you did to cause it. Your not stupid or gullible. You are brave and strong for stepping into the lions den hoping to show them a better way. That is on them if they refuse to take your hand.

You will question and doubt them, as you should. But a leader understands people make mistakes. If they continue on the repeat cycle, they are spitting in your face and no-one deserves that.

You are amazing and beautiful, and flawed just like the rest.

It’s tempting to get even, to stoop down to their level. Instead you must rise above and be the person you are. Revenge is sweet, but it’s a dangerous game and even when you get points, it’s a temporary pleasure. Because you are a good soul you will regret the pain you caused even without their plays. If they roll the dice, let karma play that hand. 

Did he fight for you? 

I mean really fight for you. 

Did he listen to what you needed? 

Did he know the depth of your love and sacrifice? 

Did he do what he said and give you what you needed? 

Did he honor his promises to you?

Or did he continue sucking you into his darkness then blame you when you were hurting?

Then he didn’t fight for you at all. He pushed you away leaving you with no choice but to cut the rope he was hanging you from. Your worthy of love and happiness, even if he thinks you should have accepted his hand leading you to his dungeon. You can’t go there. That is no life at all.

Validated fears

http://wp.me/s271pb-639

What an amazing ability it is to be able to write beautifully. To express your emotions and fears and in such a way that allows others to relate and visualize the rawness. 

Never have I sat and just read my own words so much as I have in the last 24 hours. And damn I think I’m pretty awesome. A beautiful disaster with a map of scars and cracks that have been filled with sprinkles and gold as I conquered each battle. Finally again, feeling back to my bad-ass sassy self. God I’ve missed you.

 

Finding my way

http://wp.me/p271pb-as

I’m rereading through my posts because in truth this blog is my journal. I lost my way and I’m not sure how that happened, but I am finding my way back. Reading the highs and lows of my past. I read my words and place myself back in time and feel my strength. 

Damn I am a strong person. 

Person aka human. 

Human = flawed individual that was put here on a journey full of opportunities to learn and grow. 

Life Lesson #3232016 Reminder

http://wp.me/p271pb-cb

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