Thankful

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I am feeling so thankful.

The journey I’ve had to get here is a remarkable one, one with many peaks and valleys. I still think of my past with a separation of then and now. Then I made foolish decisions about people I knew were wrong, even if I wanted them to be right so badly, deep down I knew better. Now I stay guarded. Lonely yes, but safe.

Somehow I always land on my feet, even if sometimes I’ve had to lean on the wall. To look at myself and see what I’ve accomplished for myself, it’s beautiful. My mom was right, I didn’t need a man. They just slowed me down. Where am I now vs where are they?

I genuinely amaze myself.

Erase

I want to erase my being. I want to go back and give up sooner. I want to not be here. Life doesn’t make sense. This world doesn’t make sense. Can I just drive out of this world? Find a dirt road that leads to no where and no one. No responsibility. No one asking me for help. No one with their hands out expecting me to fix it. No one to beat me down. No one to use me.

Today I feel like death would be a beautiful thing. To end all my suffering. To end my existence. To close my eyes and never have to deal with conflict or drama again. No more judgement.

I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I just want to be myself and alone.

What if

What if that night never happened?

• The one that destroyed my world.

What if that week never happened?

• The one that made me feel like I was living with a stranger.

What if whatever happened to change him never happened?

• The demon that crawled into him during that time.

I was broken already. Struggling to cope with this new child born. It’s no secret that it literally broke me in half. Just months after I miscarried our baby who craved anything blueberry-muffins, scones, ice cream. And orange flavored soda. I felt her inside me, I felt her fear of the world she was coming into. And just as quick as she was there, she wasn’t. And while I coped with that another child came to be with my husband. But not with me. I’ll never forget that phone call, I literally dropped to the floor when he spoke those words. I collapsed from the pain in my heart. I didn’t know if I could accept it. God knows I was trying with everything I had in me to forgive and move past it, accept the child and find a way to be the better person. That December 12, 2007 my world was never the same. But I was trying.

Almost exactly one month later a demon creeped out of his soul and shattered the already broken pieces of my world. How could it be? My 11 year old daughter who called him dad since she was 2 years old. The man I was supposed to grow old with, sitting in rocking chairs on the porch grey haired and wrinkled telling the stories of our crazy youth and the love that wouldn’t quit to our grandkids. He was my life, my world, my everything. I had given 10 years to our love. I was dedicated and loyal and only wanted him forever. He was my always and forever.. how could this be? What happened? That’s a question I never got an answer to. And after 3.5 years of therapy I finally accepted there was no answer. None that could validate it or make sense to the situation. In less than 5 minutes he destroyed me, our children, our family, our future and even our past. Nothing ever made sense again.

Me and the kids went into hiding. Walked away from our home and didn’t look back. New schools and daycares. I knew then it was more to protect us from my weakness for him. I could never fight him off for long because I truly loved him down to my core. But now I had to be strong for my children. It wasn’t about me or my addiction to him, I had to stand strong. I was a shield protecting my kids from his powers and the pain he caused. I had allowed it for too long and it went too far.

For 6 years we lived in secret. Social media was completely restricted. Information was only shared with those we trusted. The first 2 years I was a wreck, survival mode, I was a dark empty shadow. Every night I curled up in a ball and ugly cried myself to sleep.

The 3rd year I was a light grey shadow beginning to walk with a hunch, still ready to jump back to the dark shadow who always held it’s hand out to me offering to keep me safe with secrecy.

The 4th & 5th year I worked hard to get some color back into my soul. Standing tall and on my own. I was empowered back to life, but still terrified to see him. I lost weight, took a kickboxing class, went out for drinks with an old friend a few times, reconnected old friendships. This was my strongest year.

The 6th year I lost my job of 12 years and sank again. We found out my daughter had a brain tumor and my support system from work was gone. I was spiraling into the dark abyss. But I fought hard to stay strong. I got a new job and purchased a home. This should have been a better time but God was I lonely and sad. He contacted me through Facebook and within a few months I had chiseled the door open. This was my first relapse in 6 years. It was followed by another every couple years.

This time is different. I am stronger. I am not impulsive. I am guarded and wise. I acknowledge he does seem to be a very different person, one full of remorse and shame. Acceptance of his past mistakes, owning them and striving to be a better person and help others. Wanting to do right. Full of pain from the trauma he has caused others in his life. But I can’t help but doubt the sincerity. I look at him now aware that I don’t know this person. Not this version at least..he’s a broken shell ashamed of the world he destroyed and the one he created. He hates himself, just as most do.

Growth of me

I am amazing myself with personal growth.

Mental growth.

Growth of my heart.

Growth from forgiveness.

Growth of letting go of the anger.

Growth of letting go of the pain.

Growth of healing myself.

I genuinely wish I could have had this peace 20 years ago. Acceptance and love of myself.

I see who I am now, who I used to be and all the versions along the way. I fought harder than anyone could ever know to be who I am. It wasn’t easy. It was brutal and harsh. Between periods of weakness I stood strong.

I love who I am and all the people who helped me get to this place. Whether with a helping hand or a painful lesson, I appreciate them all.

Tarot question-will my life forever be battling depression

One Card Reading

This is going to be a period of struggle ending in worldly success. Self control, effort, perseverance: this should be the theme you have to concentrate on. Work within the boundaries of your life to build up a successful existence. At a very basic level, it implies war, a struggle, and an eventual, hard-won victory; either over enemies, obstacles, nature, the beasts inside you, or to just get what you want. But there is a great deal more. Control is required over opposing emotions, wants, needs, people, or circumstances; to bring them together and give them a single direction. And, obviously, it has to be your direction! Confidence is also needed and, most especially, motivation. There are indications that you will have to play a lone hand in an important decision or a fight. You may have to choose between the materialistic and the more unconscious or the spiritual. The only way to succeed is by attacking from the side, rather than straight on. This card also signals a ruthless, die-hard desire to win at any cost. You are being reminded to save your energy for what comes after. Victory, after all, is just the start of things. If this card has shown up, it is because you have an obsession about work, goals, or an issue of over-achieving. Are you consumed by a desire to climb the ladder of success? Probably, you are in the process of travelling physically, or moving in an emotional direction. It`s usually a fast motion too. If you want to get somewhere fast, or a quick change of pace is coming – most assuredly this card has appeared because it is going to get things moving. Possibly within the next seven weeks or seven months, there will be some travel, or an important trip or journey that has links with the family.– https://c5jr4.app.goo.gl/cmr0s
Copyright © Tarot Reading App

Wow. This has me mind blown. My focus lately has been on the need for change in my personal life. My career is strong but personally I am lost. I need time alone for myself, to heal and process my grief. My life has been hard, one huge battle after another with no option to fall. I’ve always had to stay strong and stand tall and while there’s empowerment from that, inside there’s hidden defeat. A constant need for permission to collapse.

I battle myself with my desire to be the lion, fierce and courageous. But I also ache for someone I can trust to hold me and allow me to fall sometimes. But I am realizing even if given the chance I block the opportunity out of fear of disappointment. No one in my life has ever been loyal to me. In times they should stand strong for me, every single one chose instead to not. The exception is Jimbo and to a point bud. They saw me weak and broken but still admired my fight to continue trying. But maybe my fear of defeat is why I couldn’t truly believe they were solid. The affect it would have to see them also fail me was terrifying. And because of that I instead always prepare myself for the battle. And maybe it’s that dread that plants the negativity before it’s even been created.

I must take time to heal my soul. Away from the madness of my fears and regrets. This is necessary to live.

Happy birthday

Happy birthday to the person I saw as my forever.

Happy birthday to the person I thought knew me better than anyone and reminded me how to see the amazing person I am.

Happy birthday to the person who I gave my heart to and helped me believe in myself again.

Happy birthday to the person I held so many inside jokes with and laughed with until my belly hurt.

Happy birthday to the person who I could sit with and talk forever with or not at all, who’s mere presence made me feel whole.

Happy birthday to the person I considered my very best friend and sustained me.

Happy birthday to the person I laid my head on, curled and wrapped my body with and made me feel safe.

Happy birthday to the person who promised my kids that they would be there forever no matter what happened between us.

Happy birthday to the person who made me trust in others again and convinced me of forever and always.

Happy birthday to the person who broke down my walls and persuaded me to believe in love again.

Happy birthday to the person who took it all away.

I miss the person you pretended to be but the person you really are is not someone I ever want back in my life. For you to walk away from all the pain you caused and speak badly of us is very telling. The hate you have says more about you than it ever would say about me.

He scares me

I’m not ready.

I’m trying to get there but I’m terrified to trust.

To believe.

To place hope outside of my walls.

He could be amazing.

He could be the one who proves why the others didn’t work.

Good morning beautiful.

Just wanted you to know I’m looking forward to seeing you.

I’m thinking of you.

And my walls want to crush me inside so nothing can get close enough to hurt me.

My heart races at the reminder of a person I can’t forget.

He scares me.

I’m not ready.

Dreams taking me away

I’ve taken on more at work, staying busy for 60+ hours. 4:30 am running until about 7:30 pm. Dinner then pass out. My life is good. My world is busy, full of respect, support and appreciation. I’m in a very good place. Feeling very confident and moving forward in so many ways.

Then I fall asleep and play a movie of things I don’t want to see. A motion picture plays a story of a life with men from my past. Sometimes it’s my ex-husband, sometimes my ex-fiance, sometimes my dear friend that passed away last year.

I’m not sure what makes me dream of any of them. If I could figure it out to avoid it, I would because it’s painful to think of them. Instead for now I dream of another world with people I have no future with.

I’d rather dream of a world I can reach and touch.

Time does heal

I officially hate you.

I hate what a coward you are, afraid of facing anything.

I hate how you use and manipulate people, especially the ones who care.

I hate your immaturity and the blame game you have with everyone, instead of owning your shit.

I hate that you are not a real man, just a child hiding inside one.

I hate that you pretend to be a good dad while painting others at fault for your lack.

I hate that you are so dependent on others and have NEVER stood on your own feet.

I hate that you lie to get what you want spitting empty words, leaving a carnage of damaged hearts behind you.

I hate that you made me AND my children trust you, knowing what we had all been through.

I hate the sad truth of who you are.

——————–

I wrote this months ago and never published. I read this and thank myself for healing. I’m so far from all the bitterness and anger. The complete mental breakdown is just a memory now and I feel a sense of pride for fighting my way out of it. Time really does heal. Deep down I believe he tried his best at times, but his insecurities controlled him and he never believed he deserved a good person or to be happy so he’d fall back into darkness. Which I full-heartedly believe that’s where he prefers to be. I choose better and I’m so thankful for my strength because it allows me to grow through the bullshit.

I lost sight of reality

I lost sight of reality. I wanted so badly to believe this beautiful story of admiration and love that I convinced myself to ignore the obvious, and that is on me.

I tried to make myself believe someone I knew was not capable of giving anyone what he promised me. I knew it was dangerous to continue anything with him, especially my heart, yet I still chose to try and “beat the odds”. I knew what the result would be but I allowed him to convince me otherwise. I am owning that.

I was addicted to the warmth and strength of a man’s arms and the feeling of safety from being in them.

I was addicted to the idea of someone seeing me as “perfection” and the loyalty I thought that would provide.

I was addicted to the impossible future he eventually made me crave.

I was addicted to the idea of someone loving me so much they made me love myself.

I was addicted to the idea of forever with my best friend, decades of inside jokes and amazing sex.

I was addicted to a false romantic love story.

I was not prepared for his constant instability and bipolar mood swings.

I was not prepared for someone who couldn’t keep a job and spent more time creating excuses instead.

I was not prepared for finding dozens of empty vodka bottles hidden in couch cushions, pots, closets and dirty clothes.

I was not prepared to share a bed with a man I couldn’t trust and the rage that came from constantly catching him in lies.

I was not prepared for the exhaustion and frustration that came from loving a compulsive liar.

I was not prepared for being with someone who made me embarrassed to believe in.

I was not prepared for the repetition of failure from someone who swore they wanted to be better.

I was not prepared to love someone who ripped the rug out every step of our relationship.

I was not prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions from being with him.

I was not prepared for him.

I chose to take the risk.

I opted to pretend things weren’t as they really were.

I chose to choke on the pain he caused.

I forgot my worth.

I lowered my standards out of fear of not being worth better.

I got sucked into focusing on his sweet words instead of his painful actions.

I chose to accept lies over the truth.

I chose to settle for temporary instead of forever.

I chose to believe in someone whose own family knew wasn’t capable of stability.

I chose to take a chance and hope for the best.

I chose to ignore reality and fight against my instincts.

I chose to believe a con man.

I chose to overlook his past and show compassion for someone unworthy.

I lost myself in this chapter but I needed these lessons. In the process of healing I’m finding myself, a stronger, wiser, softer version of myself and for that I thank him.