I’m gonna leave this right here <3

My mind is complicated chaos

image

I’m lost and empty. I’m guarded and blocked. I’m afraid of any more pain so I hide and avoid living. I am a very fragile person, yet fiercely strong and independent. Complicated chaos.

image

Normally when I feel like this, my words flow yet I’m sitting here blank. I have spent the last week drowning myself in quotes from pinterest, hoping something will turn my outlet back on. Looking for my light-switch. Searching for my mind. My heart, mind and soul is so utterly confused and blocked.

image

image

image

I miss my friend. He wants more than my heart can handle so I took a step back. To breathe, to evaluate myself, and keep things in my comfort zone. To stay protected from the complication that comes with relationships, the pressures, the disappointments, the failures. I’m not ready, I’m terrified. I may never be ready. It’s possible I will stay guarded forever. He’s human with a heart fully invested while mine is still padlocked behind steel doors. He’s broken at the idea that it may never be “us”. He’s hurting, trying to cope and I’m selfish because I just want my friend back. I want the blunt sarcasm. I want the light hearted conversation and the inside jokes we carry.

But I don’t want the pressure of dealing with parenting issues with the ex when there is so much disagreement, bitterness and hidden resentment. Raising kids together when you’re both on different sides, arguing over the expenses and how the kids should be raised. Speaking negatively of the other. That hits too close to home for me, triggering memories and definitely not what he said I was walking into. I literally play a movie in my head of the arguments, tears, frustration, expense and requirements of xanax to cope with co-parenting small kids again. The thought cripples me. He sees me as this amazing mom who raised her kids alone and sacrificed everything, put her kids above all, financially and emotionally provided everything they needed. I did things with my kids that apparently not every mom does-I spent time with them, I enjoyed them, I did activities with them..I colored with them, we painted, created art, cooked, I read to them and with them. I devoted my life to them. I solely supported my family, paid for daycare and sports, clubs, activities completely by myself. I was a supermom, but it almost killed me.

My heart was broken by life, the struggles, the fighting for my kids. And I fucked up a lot too which left this darkness of guilt inside me. The stress of living that life was too much for my fragile mind. I had mental breakdowns in front of my kids. They sometimes had to scrape me off the floor from anxiety attacks and calm me down so I could breathe. I fought with their dads in front of them, screaming matches because I had a fight in me as big as the world and I never backed down. I would become enraged by my ex-husband’s disappearing acts for the bar, cheating, drinking and gambling. When I spoke my mind to him, his reaction was awful and usually ended in a physical fight and when I was in those moments I never stopped to notice that my kids were watching, I didn’t care. I was depressed, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and usually medicated to stay afloat. I’m traumatized by the battles with their dad and his then wife, they were a different kind of cruel. Maybe they killed that fight in me. I waved the white flag and surrendered to their evilness. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how deep those wounds are and how truly scarred my heart is. Maybe I’m too afraid to get back in the ring of life, even if I want to.

If someone can’t come in and give me complete trust that they will not bring any negative energy in my life, I will walk. I’ve been used, abused and taken advantage of so I learned to do for myself and on my own. Less drama that way. Yes it’s lonely, but it’s not scary.

image

image

image

image

Word porn Wednesday 6.22.2016

image

image

image

image

image

image

Life lesson 6.17.2016

image

No question, this is my biggest pet peeve. Whether it’s my kids, a co-worker, relative, a friend or a relationship. Maybe because I was once married to the biggest liar in the world… but then I realized my worth.

image

Once this happens, I sort of check out…it may take awhile because I need to be sure. But then when you keep lying, I realize what a total waste of my time it is to even conversate with you. I’m too real, sometimes at a fault but I don’t do fake.

image

If you lie about some stupid piddly thing, of course you will lie when it’s something that really matters.

image

Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, but at least the truth is real. Why let me go on believing anything that’s just nonsense?

image

Honesty and being genuine are very rare traits in this world. I value them more than anything. I appreciate the simpleness of knowing I will never get caught in a lie, worrying if they know the truth.. that is stress I do not waste my time with.

image

Liars lose my respect.

image

Liars lie about anything and everything. It’s exhausting to always doubt what is said, to always have to argue and fight for someone to OWN the facts. It’s not personal, be you and honest about your flaws, strengths, mistakes, goals, fears, emotions… when you lie about these things, no one knows the real you. Maybe you’re not comfortable with the real you, if that’s the case, work on yourself before hurting people. You can’t build relationships with fantasies… I’m not fucking Alice in Wonderland.

image

Light needed

I need some of this right now…

image

I look at this picture and imagine the day was long and hot…the sand on the beach baking in the afternoon sun. The light absorbed in my skin. I soak in the warm rays as they comfort my soul, hug my body, recharge my heart, and sooth my mind. I lay in the shallow water, still warm from the hot day. The waves of the water rocking back and forth, almost massaging and caressing my legs. I pinch the sand between my toes. And I let the sand fall from my hand like an hourglass. It’s peaceful, and beautiful. I release all my worries to the sky.

But today’s weather gives me this….

image

I see the light reminding me it’s still there. Whispering “soon, I promise”… today I feel run down from my thoughts. My emotions still under control but definitely getting heavy again. My body is exhausted…but I’m not where I was and I need to focus on my progress. I see the light shining through, almost patting my back, telling me I’m almost through this… “hold on because I promise it’s going to be very good very soon”. At least, that’s what I hope its saying.

Letter to myself 4.5.2016

image

You know there are too many red flags..

   – But will there ever not be red flags?

When you are constantly up and down in a relationship, you know that’s not healthy.. this is not what you have fought for.

   – But what if he’s right, what if it’s my fears that cause the roller coaster? What if I’m looking for the issues?

Did you really have to look hard? He has secretly drank at your home, in front of your kids, in front of his kids… He has been dishonest about many things which is why you don’t trust his words… He has stepped way out of line with other women, saying extremely  inappropriate things, on social media for all to see, even your children, which is why now you aren’t comfortable with mild comments he says to other women.. he created this.. he said it would stop, now he’s back to saying you’re upsetting him because he’s so crazy about you, it offends him you would be bothered by this?!

   – But he loves me..

That doesn’t mean you have to accept this… if he truly loved you, it wouldn’t be an issue for him to stop with these other girls/women… he says he would do anything and give up anything to be with you, then why does he need to argue and defend this behavior? You’re not asking for him to stop talking to females, or to stop having female friends… you’re asking him to respect your feelings.
image

   – True…

And the things he’s throwing in your face that he’s done for you, getting a vehicle, getting an apartment, looking for a stable job, being a better dad, being faithful…these are all things an adult does..things he should have done before meeting you. Not to mention, he can’t praise you for helping him achieve these things just to turn around and throw in your face “this proves I love you, I did this for you”… so he didn’t plan on growing up? Is he resenting you for encouraging him to be self sufficient, to be an involved dad (as he has ALWAYS claimed to be)? He’s telling you that you should be grateful because he doesn’t hop around with other women, women he admits he would just use for his own selfish financial gain… this is supposed to make you feel loved and secure?

   – Actually it just reminds me that he’s capable of that and probably still looking for the next one he can use.

Is that someone worthy of your heart? You hurt now and your disappointed, but you have been through worse than this woman! Yes you were lonely and lowered your standards.. You will wake up tomorrow and be fine. Life will go on, you will take the lessons from this situation and let it go. You’re getting back to you, finding yourself- mind, body and soul. Focus on your work, projects around your house, and getting back in shape.. you’re gonna rock this! And you don’t need this drama dragging you down.. its one thing after another with him. He still has a lot of growing to do, self healing, he needs to do that on his own.

   -thank you… gosh I love me

Life lesson 3.30.2016

image

Image

Previous Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 87 other followers