I need to make a point to focus some energy on the positives that I’ve learned from my most recent relationship. Maybe it doesn’t seem to him that I give him credit so I’m going to point them out. I tell my kids all the time the good things I learned from that relationship, things I now know that I want and deserve.
Before he came in my life I was very much lost and trying to pull myself out of a darkness I wasn’t sure I could get out of and didn’t believe I even deserved to. I didn’t love myself anymore. Six months before we met I attempted suicide and the only thing that was keeping me going was the guilt of leaving my kids. He came and made me laugh again. He was a light that I didn’t even realize was possible. So much bad had happened in my life I had given up the idea of finding someone to make me smile again and there he was. Not even realizing he gave me hope.
Never have I had a man make such an effort to please me. This isn’t just sexually, this is doing any and everything to make me smile. Making dinner and serving me, doing the dishes. Kissing me on my forehead after he thought I was asleep. Foot rubs and painted toes. Big warm hugs at the end of a long day. Always there for me to vent to when I needed a friend.
His ability to calm my anxieties and insecurities. The sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me. His love for my words, like an addiction he always wanted more. Combing my hair after a hard day. Making the bedroom one big fort to watch goonies, even though I passed out within 5 minutes. Smacking my ass while we cook dinner together. How relaxed I felt with just his touch.
I wanted my home office which is really my art room and he helped me build a big desk with storage and a big top. We painted it and he let me sleep in while he did the finishing touches. That desk is too big for my room but I cannot bear to cut it down because that little green trim that he painted. I remember how special I felt when I woke up and saw that he did that. Cutting the desk down and replacing or even trimming the top will only cut that piece off and I can’t do that. Why did he do that? He wanted me to have my space to be creative and enjoy my passions.
He made me believe in myself again. To remember how strong and amazing I am. He admired me as a mother and wished we could have had kids together… he actually made me consider the idea of more kids. He made me feel complete. For the first time in my life I thought god sent me my other half and marriage became an option. He gave me my confidence back.
My kids saw what a man should be like in a relationship. Kind and caring. He would go fill up our cars, scrape the ice off our windsheild in the morning, carry out the trash or carry anything heavy for us. When my daughter was in a dangerous situation, he dropped everything to help move her out. But that is how he is. He’s dependable, you can count on him in a crisis. And he would do anything for my kids.
I remember early on, his drinking became an issue and I sat talking with my adult daughter saying “too many red flags. I know, I should walk away but I don’t think I can. His personality is perfect, he makes my day better by just talking to him”. This was before we had sex. It was our connection that hooked me.
I think of him everyday. Every single god damn day.
I do remember all the amazing things about him, but it makes it harder for me to let him go when I think of them.
It’s too hard if I miss him… so I focus on all the bullshit he did to fuck it up. He sees it as if I loved him I wouldn’t have given up. I see it as if he loved me he wouldn’t have stopped being that great guy to me. He pulled me out of the dark then threw me back in when he took away his love.
