Confusion

I still go back and forth in my head. Wanting to reach out to my friend and talk about all that’s going on, but I know I can’t. Then confusion sets in. I re-read my last message I sent him, which really is very clear with all that happened… and again I sink. He’s not the same person. 

When he doesn’t have me, he treats me different. Or is it just he changed, this breakdown of his was too much for him to come out the same? 

I’m sure he is working on finding his new forever, and I am trying to accept losing mine. 

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Visions of my life

As a little girl and even as a teen, I somehow knew my future. I pictured myself as a single independent woman. Not with a husband who was my best friend or a husband I fought with. I pictured myself with 3 children, two girls and a boy and I even knew I would have my daughters first and my son would be my youngest. I pictured a big white house with a big yard and a couple dogs, small children running in the grass. Since I bought this house 5 years ago I’ve tried to figure out who those small children are. 
Along the way I tried to prove my vision wrong. Falling for a couple guys I told myself it was possible my vision was wrong. Each and every time I was left alone regretting ever thinking they could be the one to prove myself wrong. 

The first one blessed me with my twin girls and the realization that I could only count on myself. He taught me that I was much stronger than I ever could have imagined. I was quickly pushed into single motherhood at just 19 with two beautiful babies on welfare. I was sure I was doing everything wrong but devoted to doing my best. I think back and am amazed at myself. I honestly don’t think I would have fought so hard to become who I am if not for those little sets of eyes that melted my heart. I was sure I could never love anyone or anything as much as those girls. They stole everyone’s hearts and made every kid jealous wishing they could be them. I wanted to make those girls proud and give them a good life full of happiness and love. They gave me purpose.

The next guy took me from myself for a long time but in the end he taught me all about the strength of a mother’s love and forgiving myself. Along came my son, this amazing little boy who I was sure I couldn’t love, but he became the light of our world. Those girls were instantly in love with him and his little hands and tiny toes. He had this beautiful smile and he glowed when he saw me or his sisters. As much as he wanted to love his father, he knew he was not a good man. My son feared his father because of the abuse he witnessed. When that man was done with everything he put us through, it would have been easier for me to down a bottle of pills to escape the reality of what I allowed, and not one person would have blamed me. He put us through a living hell. But those beautiful kids that god blessed me with, I owed it to them to fight. To keep going even when I was sure I couldn’t do it. A mother’s love is the strongest thing in this world. And I had to try my best, even if it wasn’t good enough and even if I fucked up along the way, I could not leave them. And although I still struggle with forgiving myself, I do believe my children forgave me a long time ago.

After that I spent nearly 10 years focused on my kids and myself before dating and getting in another serious relationship. That one taught me how big my heart is and to accept my vision. As much hurt and disappointment I’ve lived through, I still have a great big heart ready to love. I still want to believe in the good in people, even when they don’t have good intentions and my instincts warn me. I want to believe my doubts are wrong. Stupid maybe, but maybe it’s also my big heart and that’s not a bad thing.

In my vision I wasn’t alone and miserable. In fact the sun was shining and I’m laughing. I’m filled with warmth from my life, I felt surrounded by peace and happiness. I knew I lived a comfortable life, not fancy but stable and strong. I knew that I had survived a storm, but I felt the calm of where my life was. I felt love, love for myself and for the journey to get me there. 

I can’t lie

I was fighting for something that wasn’t even there. The beautiful ideas he painted, the empty promises he told and false hope he planted. He couldn’t have been any clearer with any words he said than what his actions said. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hate him now. 

For me, he was my best friend. I shared my world with him, confessed my deepest thoughts, vented about my frustrations. I was generous to him and his children because I loved them all. I saw a future growing old together, sitting on the porch in our rockers. I accepted that he was not a “go-getter” or ambitious because of all the other great things I saw. Correction, all the temporary great things. Again once he settled in, it all stopped. Back came the eggshells and arguing. Me purposely staying late at work to avoid being around his irritability. Me avoiding interacting with him because I didn’t have the energy for the drama. It seemed no matter what I said or did, it upset him. My frustrations grew while he again found a way to stop working and that made him unable to function and crippled with depression he said. I tried, I tried so hard. It all changed so fast and for the first time it felt like I was watching a movie, not living it. 

One night we went to bed for the night and out of no where I started crying, balling and I didn’t know how to tell him why. I knew in my gut where things were going. I knew he had changed back and this man was not who I thought he was. I knew all the kids would be hurt, how much harder this would be for everyone this time because of the hope we all had. I knew what was happening and it literally broke my heart and filled it with disappointment. I had given so much of myself and I knew in that moment what was happening. I could see him clearly and god how that hurt.

He lied with every breath he took. He started sleeping on the couch, I think for attention while he sulked in his “poor me” routine. I reached out to help him, even to his mom for guidance how to help him. All I was told was he was fine and for a short time I felt like it was me. That I brought out this ugly person in him. I filled him with misery because how else could he fall apart again after I did everything for him. I became uncomfortable around him. I sat and watched him more, listened to his words and mannerisms unlike I ever had before. I became so cautious about everything I said or did around him because he was annoyed by everything. He began spitting insults at me, things that were untrue but said to hurt. Every conversation revolved around how I made him feel. He didn’t talk to me anymore unless it was to lash out or complain. Soon enough I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. I resented him for falling apart again. Eventually I didn’t even want him on my couch. I became disgusted by this manipulating useless man who obviously played me. I was humiliated that I gave him everything and again he fucked it up. I became overwhelmed by the disaster he created in my home and the expense of trying to put it back together while supporting everyone on my own. I was appalled that he thought any of his actions should be acceptable. He began trying to intimidate me to fear him as he stomped around MY home. He laughed at the thought that I could make him leave. This was his BIGGEST mistake of all. To carry himself thinking he was in control. I have been through to much in my life to ever allow a man the power to control me, in any way. Bringing police to my home with my children here caused my daughter a full blown panic attack all because he thought he could force me to continue supporting his lazy ass… there was no going back after that. He fucked up to the point I saw him as a complete stranger.

To him, I was a joke. A meal ticket he thought he could manipulate so he could sit on his ass avoiding responsibilities. He spent so much energy lying about what he did and who he was, I was exhausted for him. In the end, he was the ugliest person I knew. He knew what we had been through and he came and broke our mended hearts anyway. 

 Now I realize, I never really knew him at all. 

Life is good

Apology to my children

1- I am the one who ignored his red flags. 

2- I am responsible for bringing him in my children’s lives. I took the risk with all our hearts and time by bringing someone in who I should have known was capable of having a negative impact. I was selfish in not considering how it would affect my kids to see me so close to an unhealthy man again. 

3- I pray my children forgive me.

4- I have completely closed the door.

5- I will again show you that strong independent amazing mom who makes you proud to have. Our lives will only continue to get better, be better and fulfilling.

Hate him now

Word porn Wednesday 7.5.2017