Fantastic Friday 8.19.2016

I had a fantastic day at work today. I’m feeling successful, valuable, and most importantly respected and appreciated. 

Hard work is noticed. 

Word porn Wednesday 8.18.2016

Roller coaster…do you want another ticket?

This is why I avoid relationships. There’s too much disappointment, too much analyzing. I get to a place where I’m happy, I release all my fears and worries, all the what if’s and I push forward. I’m excited and happy and it feels normal. I can picture 5, 10, 20 years down the road and it’s good. I feel the light.

Then his issues surface. He had been hiding his demons for too long. Pressure, insecurities, truths, they all become too much and he collapses. And I can handle that. But falling apart during special days, or the week before, ruining important memories. I’ve lived that life before. My ex-husband would pick fights so he could bail. We never celebrated an anniversary, or my birthday, holidays were a guaranteed m.i.a. Maybe he was afraid of failing to make a good day. He said too many memories of traumatic holidays were triggers to his demons. I accepted it because I loved him, I thought eventually one day he would feel how deep my love for him was and he would let those memories go and finally be able to make new ones with our family. I was wrong.

Having family interfere in your relationship -are they protecting you from his secrets, to save you from future pain or are they really dysfunctional wanting to keep him to themselves. Does either reason matter? Let’s be honest, neither one is better than the other.

Addiction. Nothing comes before addiction. Addiction sucks the life and love from everything around it. Financially, emotionally,physically, like quicksand. They bail on responsibilities, they fail at getting better permanently, they are great manipulators and liars, nothing is their fault. They have periods of being perfect, making you feel like the luckiest person in the world… followed by a darkness that sucks the life right out of you. Your left with disappointments and pain. The roller coaster is traumatic and dramatic. Their lies slip out in the process and everything you believe is now doubted. Everything. You drive yourself insane. You feel a dark cloud over you, following you. Nothing feels right. You question everything, your mind goes a thousand miles a minute and you just want the roller coaster to stop. When it does, you can’t breathe. You feel like something is sitting on your chest, squeezing your heart to control the beats. You feel helpless. You think of the good parts of that roller coaster, the slow and steady climb up. Now you hear the clicking as you get to the top.. the way his eyes glow when he looked at you, the way he was so thoughtful and wanted to take care of you, the way he touched you, how he loved caressing you, tucking you in the bed, staring at you when your not looking and the smile he gets just by seeing your eyes.. now you’re sitting stuck on the top of the hill and you want to stay in these memories… and its harder now because you know the fall is going to hurt like hell. Now you can’t breathe again… you see all the good things as him grooming you, because he knew this was coming. He needed you to be unable to let him go so he made sure to make you feel amazing, so you would stay. He promises it will get better, he will do better, he reminds you how special you are and how much he’s done for you that he never did for anyone before, how he’s never loved anyone like he loves you and never will because you are his purpose. He’s good with words, very good. You have his heart in your hand and he’s pleading you to stay. “One more chance, that’s all I need” you’ve heard this before. 

You have been here before. So many times in your life before him and now with him. He promised to be different, to be better yet you keep getting back to this moment. How many more times can you handle this ride? How many more years can you do this? 

PS.. happy birthday. Did he make it memorable? Better than the others before him? You did that for him. Your not expecting anything you aren’t also giving him. 

Will you take another ticket for the roller coaster or was 1 year long enough? 

Today…8.3.2016

My birthday is coming… I should have known better but I wanted to believe that curse was gone. 

Now back to the roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and feelings. 

Maybe I’ll just drown myself in responsibilities again. Work. Yard work. House work. Maybe I’ll paint, after all I have my art room back. 

I need to step back from this cycle. I’m exhausted with getting my hopes up, letting myself believe, and then getting slapped with a big “just kidding”. 

I wasn’t scared. I was excited. I told my kids. Now I’m lost and confused with what happened and where things are. 

When someone avoids you, trust there is good reason.
Let it go… keep moving forward.
What should I paint?

I’m gonna leave this right here <3

My mind is complicated chaos

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I’m lost and empty. I’m guarded and blocked. I’m afraid of any more pain so I hide and avoid living. I am a very fragile person, yet fiercely strong and independent. Complicated chaos.

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Normally when I feel like this, my words flow yet I’m sitting here blank. I have spent the last week drowning myself in quotes from pinterest, hoping something will turn my outlet back on. Looking for my light-switch. Searching for my mind. My heart, mind and soul is so utterly confused and blocked.

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I miss my friend. He wants more than my heart can handle so I took a step back. To breathe, to evaluate myself, and keep things in my comfort zone. To stay protected from the complication that comes with relationships, the pressures, the disappointments, the failures. I’m not ready, I’m terrified. I may never be ready. It’s possible I will stay guarded forever. He’s human with a heart fully invested while mine is still padlocked behind steel doors. He’s broken at the idea that it may never be “us”. He’s hurting, trying to cope and I’m selfish because I just want my friend back. I want the blunt sarcasm. I want the light hearted conversation and the inside jokes we carry.

But I don’t want the pressure of dealing with parenting issues with the ex when there is so much disagreement, bitterness and hidden resentment. Raising kids together when you’re both on different sides, arguing over the expenses and how the kids should be raised. Speaking negatively of the other. That hits too close to home for me, triggering memories and definitely not what he said I was walking into. I literally play a movie in my head of the arguments, tears, frustration, expense and requirements of xanax to cope with co-parenting small kids again. The thought cripples me. He sees me as this amazing mom who raised her kids alone and sacrificed everything, put her kids above all, financially and emotionally provided everything they needed. I did things with my kids that apparently not every mom does-I spent time with them, I enjoyed them, I did activities with them..I colored with them, we painted, created art, cooked, I read to them and with them. I devoted my life to them. I solely supported my family, paid for daycare and sports, clubs, activities completely by myself. I was a supermom, but it almost killed me.

My heart was broken by life, the struggles, the fighting for my kids. And I fucked up a lot too which left this darkness of guilt inside me. The stress of living that life was too much for my fragile mind. I had mental breakdowns in front of my kids. They sometimes had to scrape me off the floor from anxiety attacks and calm me down so I could breathe. I fought with their dads in front of them, screaming matches because I had a fight in me as big as the world and I never backed down. I would become enraged by my ex-husband’s disappearing acts for the bar, cheating, drinking and gambling. When I spoke my mind to him, his reaction was awful and usually ended in a physical fight and when I was in those moments I never stopped to notice that my kids were watching, I didn’t care. I was depressed, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, and usually medicated to stay afloat. I’m traumatized by the battles with their dad and his then wife, they were a different kind of cruel. Maybe they killed that fight in me. I waved the white flag and surrendered to their evilness. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how deep those wounds are and how truly scarred my heart is. Maybe I’m too afraid to get back in the ring of life, even if I want to.

If someone can’t come in and give me complete trust that they will not bring any negative energy in my life, I will walk. I’ve been used, abused and taken advantage of so I learned to do for myself and on my own. Less drama that way. Yes it’s lonely, but it’s not scary.

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Word porn Wednesday 6.22.2016

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