The positive side

I need to make a point to focus some energy on the positives that I’ve learned from my most recent relationship. Maybe it doesn’t seem to him that I give him credit so I’m going to point them out. I tell my kids all the time the good things I learned from that relationship, things I now know that I want and deserve.

Before he came in my life I was very much lost and trying to pull myself out of a darkness I wasn’t sure I could get out of and didn’t believe I even deserved to. I didn’t love myself anymore. Six months before we met I attempted suicide and the only thing that was keeping me going was the guilt of leaving my kids. He came and made me laugh again. He was a light that I didn’t even realize was possible. So much bad had happened in my life I had given up the idea of finding someone to make me smile again and there he was. Not even realizing he gave me hope.

Never have I had a man make such an effort to please me. This isn’t just sexually, this is doing any and everything to make me smile. Making dinner and serving me, doing the dishes. Kissing me on my forehead after he thought I was asleep. Foot rubs and painted toes. Big warm hugs at the end of a long day. Always there for me to vent to when I needed a friend.

His ability to calm my anxieties and insecurities. The sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me. His love for my words, like an addiction he always wanted more. Combing my hair after a hard day. Making the bedroom one big fort to watch goonies, even though I passed out within 5 minutes. Smacking my ass while we cook dinner together. How relaxed I felt with just his touch.

I wanted my home office which is really my art room and he helped me build a big desk with storage and a big top. We painted it and he let me sleep in while he did the finishing touches. That desk is too big for my room but I cannot bear to cut it down because that little green trim that he painted. I remember how special I felt when I woke up and saw that he did that. Cutting the desk down and replacing or even trimming the top will only cut that piece off and I can’t do that. Why did he do that? He wanted me to have my space to be creative and enjoy my passions.

He made me believe in myself again. To remember how strong and amazing I am. He admired me as a mother and wished we could have had kids together… he actually made me consider the idea of more kids. He made me feel complete. For the first time in my life I thought god sent me my other half and marriage became an option. He gave me my confidence back.

My kids saw what a man should be like in a relationship. Kind and caring. He would go fill up our cars, scrape the ice off our windsheild in the morning, carry out the trash or carry anything heavy for us. When my daughter was in a dangerous situation, he dropped everything to help move her out. But that is how he is. He’s dependable, you can count on him in a crisis. And he would do anything for my kids.

I remember early on, his drinking became an issue and I sat talking with my adult daughter saying “too many red flags. I know, I should walk away but I don’t think I can. His personality is perfect, he makes my day better by just talking to him”. This was before we had sex. It was our connection that hooked me.

I think of him everyday. Every single god damn day.

I do remember all the amazing things about him, but it makes it harder for me to let him go when I think of them.

It’s too hard if I miss him… so I focus on all the bullshit he did to fuck it up. He sees it as if I loved him I wouldn’t have given up. I see it as if he loved me he wouldn’t have stopped being that great guy to me. He pulled me out of the dark then threw me back in when he took away his love.

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Truth is…

Truth is… it’s probably stupid of me to think we could be friends. I need to remember how quickly he changes and how eventually he always resents me for being me.

Truth is… I never wanted to let him go. I still want to bury my head in his chest with his arms wrapped around me making me feel safe and protected. I want to feel his love. I want the admiration and security he convinced me he had for me. I miss who I considered my best friend.

Truth is… I miss what never was. I actually pictured forever with him and our kids. I pictured growing old and having thousands of inside jokes. I pictured us having barbeques and entertaining our grandkids. And I enjoyed always having someone to talk to, laugh with.

Truth is… I thought we had this and need to accept even if it once was, it’s not anymore. But now I know it’s something I really want and I need to accept it’s not him.

Truth is…his actions always made me doubt and question if he was genuine, and that was so painful.

Truth is… I even thought his kids mom was looking out for me. Warning me about the others he was touching. Warning me about the other side he had, playing with people’s hearts and blasting their pain for the world to see as if it made him amazing, the side I couldn’t accept and still struggle to see. What a disgusting man he could truly be. I believed her when she said “he’s not good enough for you”. Not that I thought he wasn’t, but that I didn’t deserve all the chaos and pain he caused. How amazing he could make me feel and how good he could be to me, that was all I needed or wanted and in truth made him ‘worthy’ of me. But in the end, she wasn’t my friend. Maybe she just wanted him back depending on her connection, lacking true love from anywhere else. Maybe I read her sincerity wrong. In the big picture I didn’t care what hers was, I needed his. And truthfully I didn’t have that more than just moments at a time.

Truth is… No matter how authentic I am, I can’t expect everyone to be the same. If I do all I can to be true and I don’t get the same back, I need to accept that is not going to benefit my life in any way. I open myself up to being hurt by allowing those people in. I am still trying to learn how to know the difference and struggle with my fears of loving the wrong people.

Truth is… I am working on living for me again. Finding my passions and things that make me happy. Learning new things. Living a healthier life and getting back to enjoying time with myself.

Pumpkin Pie

I decided to give my grandson pumpkin pie for the first time. Not just any pumpkin pie, my mom’s pumpkin pie. My kids LOVE grammy’s pumpkin pie.

Step one:

What is this you stuck in my mouth?

Step two:

Wait a minute….

Step three:

I love you grandma! This is awesome!!

I love you too monkey butt ❤

Why do I love my furr-less sphynx cats?

The wrinkles.

The warmth.

The comfort.

The unconditional love.

The silliness that makes me laugh.

The sweet cuddles.

The joy they bring my life.

How simple their love is.

The excitement they feel when they see me.

The affection.

Making each day start and end with a warm heart.

Watching them play with each other.

The beauty of love in their eyes.

How they know when I am needing extra love.

How amazing they are with my other furr babies.

Their simple automatic love.

Kind playful minds.

Best of all….zero pet hair!

You didn’t

I fell for a few days. He opened the door, just a crack and the fear of repeating our cycle made me slip. Remembering the process each time before, what he said that made me believe he was devoted to me, and how devastated I was when I found out the truth and the desperation I felt after. Feeling like I couldn’t function, getting drunk and passed out on my bathroom floor, getting picked up by my daughter. Just for him to fuck it all up again.

I wish we could be friends, me and the person I thought he was. But I know that’s just me still struggling to let go of what I thought we had. He was my best friend but he’s not a safe person for me. And although I’m still struggling to accept that, I’m beginning to understand it. He has shown he’s not the person he claimed to be, not even close. And I’ve never been good at protecting myself from people like that.

Can I eventually forgive him for the disappointment he’s caused? Could we keep a safe boundary to salvage our friendship? Or am being foolish thinking there’s a good person behind all his mistakes? I just want to believe in the good in people and it’s always been an expensive humiliating lesson.

Wonderful Wednesday

This little guy brightened my day. This is my first grandbaby. I’m 40 and don’t feel like a grandma, but I am loving it.

Getting closer

I’m at this point yet, but I’m trying to get there. I tend to save a lot of things, good and bad. I know I need to let go of it all. Out of sight out of mind. I need to let them all go. I see pictures of his girls and it makes me sad, they became my family. I’m frustrated with their mom, confused why after I took him back she acted like a stranger to me. Both her and her fiance telling me he was no good for me and I deserved better. But now they are his best friends? How does someone tell me “I told you he wasn’t going to change, I don’t know why you thought this time would be any different” making me feel stupid..then when I do what they recommended, they pair up with the person they claimed was the poison and block me out?

He’s doing good now. He’s sober and being there for those beautiful girls which is all I ever wanted. He wasn’t able to do that with me, well not for long. If you love something, truly love it, you will sacrifice whatever it takes for their happiness. I’m accepting that those girls are better off without me in the picture. Being in the picture seems to complicate their dad’s stability.

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