What if that night never happened?
• The one that destroyed my world.
What if that week never happened?
• The one that made me feel like I was living with a stranger.
What if whatever happened to change him never happened?
• The demon that crawled into him during that time.
I was broken already. Struggling to cope with this new child born. It’s no secret that it literally broke me in half. Just months after I miscarried our baby who craved anything blueberry-muffins, scones, ice cream. And orange flavored soda. I felt her inside me, I felt her fear of the world she was coming into. And just as quick as she was there, she wasn’t. And while I coped with that another child came to be with my husband. But not with me. I’ll never forget that phone call, I literally dropped to the floor when he spoke those words. I collapsed from the pain in my heart. I didn’t know if I could accept it. God knows I was trying with everything I had in me to forgive and move past it, accept the child and find a way to be the better person. That December 12, 2007 my world was never the same. But I was trying.
Almost exactly one month later a demon creeped out of his soul and shattered the already broken pieces of my world. How could it be? My 11 year old daughter who called him dad since she was 2 years old. The man I was supposed to grow old with, sitting in rocking chairs on the porch grey haired and wrinkled telling the stories of our crazy youth and the love that wouldn’t quit to our grandkids. He was my life, my world, my everything. I had given 10 years to our love. I was dedicated and loyal and only wanted him forever. He was my always and forever.. how could this be? What happened? That’s a question I never got an answer to. And after 3.5 years of therapy I finally accepted there was no answer. None that could validate it or make sense to the situation. In less than 5 minutes he destroyed me, our children, our family, our future and even our past. Nothing ever made sense again.
Me and the kids went into hiding. Walked away from our home and didn’t look back. New schools and daycares. I knew then it was more to protect us from my weakness for him. I could never fight him off for long because I truly loved him down to my core. But now I had to be strong for my children. It wasn’t about me or my addiction to him, I had to stand strong. I was a shield protecting my kids from his powers and the pain he caused. I had allowed it for too long and it went too far.
For 6 years we lived in secret. Social media was completely restricted. Information was only shared with those we trusted. The first 2 years I was a wreck, survival mode, I was a dark empty shadow. Every night I curled up in a ball and ugly cried myself to sleep.
The 3rd year I was a light grey shadow beginning to walk with a hunch, still ready to jump back to the dark shadow who always held it’s hand out to me offering to keep me safe with secrecy.
The 4th & 5th year I worked hard to get some color back into my soul. Standing tall and on my own. I was empowered back to life, but still terrified to see him. I lost weight, took a kickboxing class, went out for drinks with an old friend a few times, reconnected old friendships. This was my strongest year.
The 6th year I lost my job of 12 years and sank again. We found out my daughter had a brain tumor and my support system from work was gone. I was spiraling into the dark abyss. But I fought hard to stay strong. I got a new job and purchased a home. This should have been a better time but God was I lonely and sad. He contacted me through Facebook and within a few months I had chiseled the door open. This was my first relapse in 6 years. It was followed by another every couple years.
This time is different. I am stronger. I am not impulsive. I am guarded and wise. I acknowledge he does seem to be a very different person, one full of remorse and shame. Acceptance of his past mistakes, owning them and striving to be a better person and help others. Wanting to do right. Full of pain from the trauma he has caused others in his life. But I can’t help but doubt the sincerity. I look at him now aware that I don’t know this person. Not this version at least..he’s a broken shell ashamed of the world he destroyed and the one he created. But I still ask, is it real? Probably not……
