You don’t know me. You only know what he said when he was hurt and trying to convince himself that I was not his forever. This isn’t a letter of hate or jealousy, it is a letter of apology and thanks.
Before I met Bud I had lived alone for eight years with my children, raising them on my own. Five of those eight years I lived in hiding from an abusive and usually psychotic ex husband. That marriage was a constant war and unfortunately it left me scarred, afraid to live and afraid to love. I avoided connections, people and life. I was always looking for “the fall” as I call it. Even though he was a work in progress, definitely not perfect by any means, Bud was always amazing and wow did that man love me.
As amazing as he was and is, I always loved him from a distance. Anyone who knew him would tell you that he adored me. Even though I heard when they’d talk about it with admiration, I still couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t allow myself to expect that love, to count on it or depend on it because of my past. Terrified of the embarrassment of giving myself completely to another man just to have them leave, I refused to appreciate and enjoy the things that he did for me. Loving somebody who’s right there in your hand yet constantly trying to find a way out would probably make most people run. Eventually they would say enough is enough, but Bud never did. When he wanted to keep fighting, I told him not to. I pushed him away, I told him it was over. I told him to move on. I didn’t say these things to be hurtful or spiteful. I honestly believed I could walk away, that I could save myself the fall whether it was going to be in five years or ten, I could avoid it by just letting go now.
Bud always being respectful of my wishes did not fight, he let go only because that’s what I wanted. And if I thought that would make me happy, he was willing to sacrifice his whole being to give me that. But it broke him and he needed love. Then came you.
Seeing that photo of you two was a huge wake-up call. I knew he would never have moved on, he would never have left if I didn’t make him go. I thought of all the things he did for me, our connection and our bond, our deep belly laughs and inside jokes. I thought of our blended family and how much I missed those girls. And it was at that moment realized I might have just lost him forever. And I knew my fears caused the fall. I reached for him in an a desperate attempt to save something, even if just my friend because I couldn’t lose him. And with that, your world fell.
Now I have my best friend back, and because of you I learned to let myself love him fully. No tip toe, no ready to run, I want him forever. Because of you I realized I need to shake my heart out of these shackles and give him what he deserves, my all. Because of you I will make sure he knows I love him, how much he means to me and my world is incomplete without him. Because of you I realized I can’t lose him. You gave me the best gift of all, you freed my heart and by doing so saved my life. In this process you were hurt and for that I am truly sorry. I hope you find your forever person, your best friend because you helped me realize that I already had mine.