02 Oct 2015 Leave a comment
I’m very familiar with this life lesson. Yes it’s a painful lesson, and usually affects more than just myself.
The other day while driving home, I had a conversation with my daughter about people’s behavior and how best to interact. Attempting to educate her with some lessons I’ve learned along the way, I realized I couldn’t think of having this conversation with my mom. How I wish my mom had been able to share guidance for me along my journey, save me some pain and time. I’m not sure that she has much awareness on lessons, she’s stubborn like a bull. But seeing her ways has taught me to open myself to the need to internally grow. Luckily, I’ve met some amazing people that have been able to verbalize some great experiences to help me.
I’ve recently really put myself out there. Dating isn’t something I enjoy. Yes, the newness is fun in the beginning, but I just want to relax and be myself. I yearn being in sync with someone, having a person who just gets me, thinks of my response before I even say it. I can say this fella, he gives me a reminder that maybe it’s possible to find that. And he genuinely seems to be in awe of my awesomeness. But I’m still scared. Scared of losing myself. Scared of realizing too late that with him came baby mama drama, not being fully available, another person who made me laugh and smile but ended up hiding a darkness that I should have seen.
I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my judgment. I don’t ever want to be the person I used to be. The fear of that alone is enough to make me run. To make me curl into a ball, buried in pillows and blankets, and wonder “what if” from a safe distance. Because at least in that, my heart is safe. Lonely and empty, a little bit dark, but protected.
22 Sep 2015 Leave a comment
To take you to a completely different direction, open a whole new journey. Like a fork in the road, but there’s no guarantee which one is better for you. So fear is shouting “what if it’s worse than where I’ve been or where I’m at?”, then hope whispers softly “but what if it’s not?”.
24 Jun 2015 Leave a comment
Today honestly marks a huge milestone. I’ve completely accepted what wasn’t and what is and officially closed the chapter. Uninterested in looking back. In the past every time I accepted things, deep down I thought “it’s only temporary for now”. I’m not sure if it’s how I coped, or because my heart wouldn’t let go, or because I wasn’t really ready to see it for what it was. But today, I spoke to this person and I felt nothing. No aching. No sadness. And once I said my piece of the conversation, I was done with it. No crying or thinking all night, withdrawing from life to process all my confused feelings.
I was just done. Not a single tear. No tossing and turning wondering anything.
I don’t feel sorry for him, granted I never should have, but I always did. I’ve always said feelings can not be controlled, they are what they are.
And I didn’t care to drag the conversation out or help him work through his feelings, I have no interest in them. I didn’t get sucked into his lies and efforts to turn things around, because poor him. I didnt get all worked up. Finally, I really just didn’t care. And for me, a true test is speaking to him, hearing the voice of this person, but it didn’t affect me. The conversation honestly meant nothing to me, I was just annoyed that I had to give two seconds of my day to him. Well it meant one thing, I’ve officially reached the end of that chapter, closed the book with a very rare “I don’t even desire to talk out my frustrations or pain” it’s just a situation that I refuse to go, ever again. I’m glad he has another that plays the “torture each other game”. And truthfully, he deserves her because I was never good at torturing him, just myself and my family after I fell apart.
I’m not caring to look back anymore, just ahead. And for once in my life, I don’t need to know what’s coming, as long as I stay away from where I’ve been.
12 Jun 2015 Leave a comment
Note: This isn’t my dog, and it’s just a screenshot of the article about this but totally worth sharing!
30 May 2015 Leave a comment
This is a difficult lesson for a mom. Especially a single mom who over compensated to make up for the crappy men I chose to father my children.
So what I volunteered for school and sports. So what I threw numerous class parties; because mind you I always made the effort to do as much for all 3 of my children, so it wasn’t JUST what I had to do for you, but your sister and brother as well.
-valentine’s with a whiney mother who complained the whole time but I managed to keep the kids unaware of the “mommy” drama while I plated 29 plates of cupcakes, cookies, candy & poured 29 cups of fruit punch while keeping the classroom of kids occupied with senseless games and listening to that whiney mom..that yes cost me money I didn’t have and time off work.. along with
-Halloween party with 30 rolls of toilet paper so the kids could wrap each other as mummies, and again treats and goodies to sugar up all the 5th graders
-dressing up as the “candy witch” for Halloween (several years) and combing the halls of the elementary school with a cauldron full of candy to pass out to all the kids, teachers and parents (which the kids loved..teachers not so much..lol)
-softball field 6 days a week for 4 months every summer for 5 years; while working my full time job and a part time job to help pay for these things
-spending every Friday night or Saturday morning driving you across town for a job that was all about teaching you the value of earning your own money; even though it would have been easier to just give you the $12 you earned in the 2 hours of driving I did
-Working the concession stands several times at high school games to help raise funds for the student council – of which my daughter was president and vice president
-donating blood twice (and doubles once) for same student council, even with my anemia knowing I would suffer for weeks to build my iron back
-volunteering to host the 6th grade graduation ceremony – not because I had a 6th grader that year but to be involved in your school- having to stand on my feet for nearly 4 hours (miserable!)
-all the baked goods I stayed up late to make, after working all day, for school and sport bake sales
-attending nearly every single parent teacher conference and definitely every single awards ceremony or art show. Taking the time off work wasn’t an issue for this mom because I was going to show my kids how proud I was and how important they were to me (& remembering how sad I was when I was a kid and my mom wasn’t there)
-sitting through more than my fair share of 3 hour musicals, sitting right in front even though I absolutely hate musicals
-volunteering after work or a Sunday off that I should have been sleeping or catching up on laundry to help tear down play sets or paint and build the new ones
-going to thrift stores and searching for costumes for not just your character in the play, but kids I didn’t even know, and paying for the ones we found, and refusing to be reimbursed
-spending ridiculous funds that I couldn’t afford to spare on raffle tickets, and jars of shitty $10 soup mixes, cookie dough and family sets of $30 sweatshirts and tshirts promoting your school plays (even the teacher was blown away at my orders)
-helping sell hundreds of chocolate bars over the years to send you on weekend out of state school trips
-being your parent and your friend, always proud and accepting of whatever choices you made. Never asking you to “hide” or “pretend” who you are and encouraged you to be proud of yourselves
-never wanting to deny you opportunities that I missed out on so I made sure it happened, whatever the expense; even though in your whole life I was never able to afford a family vacation
-doctors appointments, counseling appointments, orthodontist appointments, eye and dentist check ups- all of which I had to constantly request time off work to do..the job that paid for our roof, food, and all mentioned expenses
-attorney fees to stand up for you to ensure you were treated right because of the awful stories you came home to tell me in tears; and I’d curl in a ball on my bedroom floor crying feeling so helpless and worried when you were there..just so after a 2.5 year court battle finished, 6 months later you drag me back to say you want to live with said crazy step mom (obviously she wasn’t as crazy as you said..why did I spend nearly 10 grand on the attorney again? That’s right, because you felt unsafe with her!)
-6 months later you decide you want to live with your dad… after
-I bought a 4 bedroom house blocks from your dad’s family so you could be closer to them
-which meant I had to buy you a car for school, COULDNT AFFORD IT BUT DID IT
I can’t help but remember dad not there and refusing to participate in any of your fundraisers or even help with ANY of the costs. Didn’t get involved with you until he looked like an idiot in court. Aunts not there, charged me to babysit you. Grammy was there for a lot of it, but ALWAYS your exhausted overworked single mom. I fought to raise you into good people who know the value of love and to work for what they belive in. Over the years I fought the schools, doctors, your dad and his “crazy vicious” wife, I stood through court battles that dragged out for years, ALL in your honor.
Clearly it was too much. I forgot about myself. Doing so, I also taught you to forget about me. How dare I expect you to grow up and respect me for my sacrifices, or to value me enough to also show I’m a priority in your lives.
I know I’m not perfect, I’m full of flaws. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and having my children so young, they grew up watching me beat myself up over and learn from the mistakes. And yes, the last few years have especially been difficult for me and my traumatic life finally took its toll on me. I’m sometimes emotional and usually stubborn. But I can honestly say I always did my best, tried my best, and loved with my whole heart and accepted the lessons life presented me with. Yes, sometimes I’ve had to learn and relearn some of the lessons. But my god, if you think you’ve had it rough, try to live in my shoes and we’ll see how great you do without one person to count on and no stable support system or even a close friend to call.
My mom always told me “when you grow up and have kids of your own, you will understand.” This was always in response to my judgement and opinion of her choices and her mistakes. Being a stupid selfish kid, I “knew” I would do better. I wouldn’t do this or that. I wouldn’t allow that or put up with that. I would be better. What. A. Stupid. Kid. I. Was.
I’ve learned not to judge others; life will put me in my place eventually to show me I need to understand everyone makes mistakes but that doesn’t mean they are bad people. I’ve learned I’m not as perfect I once thought I was. I’ve also learned life flies bye; I’m going on 38 and somehow don’t realize how I got this old so fast. I’ve learned people that shouldn’t let me down, most definitely will; Usually in the worst ways. I’ve learned I should have made myself a priority; becoming a mom, I immediately forgot that. I’ve learned that I don’t even know “who” I am. I’ve learned there isn’t a rewind or reset button, and by the time I realize I need it (been a bazillion times) the damage is done. I’ve learned I need to be my own friend first; if I can’t enjoy myself, how can I expect others to? I’ve learned my dysfunctional life trained me to make poor decisions in who I let inside my walls; and it’s something I’m working on and probably will continue to my whole life. I’ve learned everyone needs to be around good positive people, distance yourself from negative ones; it will drain you. I’ve learned life is preparing you for the next chapter; because some of my most miserable times prepared me and gave me tools to use in my next chapters. I’ve learned I need to say “no” more; going out of my way for others doesn’t earn their loyalty to me. I’ve learned people don’t want to hear about all the really awful things I’ve survived and conquered; they usually pity me instead of respect me and the stories make them uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say to the unimaginable; and the ones who are intrigued and want to learn more are the ones who are the most fucked up and will use the information to tear me down tomorrow. I’ve learned bad people can hide in good programs/organizations so don’t trust everyone just because they’re involved in good things. I’ve learned enough is enough; no more judgement or listening to others opinions. No more desperation of wanting others to like me, who gives a shit what they think. I’ve learned I truly can’t count on anyone but myself, and that’s okay. I’ve learned life will change in a minute; so if I’m struggling, I just gotta remember “today will never happen again”.
Most importantly, I’ve learned to let go and move on. I’ve done the best I could. And when these selfish kids of mine grow up and have children of their own, my mom’s message will ring true to them as well. And for the other people? Well they can all just kiss my ass!