When the right one comes

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I thought we had become best friends, but he was just another lesson on my path to true love.

*Myself, I am awesome!

Required #1

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After being single for about 8 years, I feel like I’m new to this dating thing. I’ve dated a few times but it honestly doesn’t last long.

Honesty and truth seem to be impossible to find. And I’m one of those stupid girls in the sense I can overlook quite a bit. But I need truth. I need conversations of complete honesty. I need to know I’m not being deceived in any little way. I guess I’m stupid like that. I’d rather be alone that sit next to some guy who seems great, adores me, treats me like a queen…. if he can’t give me 100% truth, I don’t want any of it. It sucks but I guess we all need to draw the line somewhere, that’s my line. I have better things to do than learn all about who you want me to think you are. I mean, come on, between netflix and amazon prime, I got lots to do.

Thank you for the lessons Sir

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Why people spend so much energy trying to prove things with words, then forget the actions do more.

Deep down, I see where I went wrong. I saw flags, but I chose to take a chance. He was so pushy and needy, but maybe I’m just too independent? He fell for me hard and very fast. Well duh, I’m fucking awesome. “He’s so funny, we have so many inside jokes and our oddball sense of humor is identical” I told myself. “We never lose topics of conversations and we just click on so many levels”. Truth is, I did just like I used to. I ignored my gut, my sixth sense as my daughter calls it. It’s so hard when it warns me about everything and everyone.. yes it’s always right, I shouldn’t have been so stubborn.

How can I see this differently?

It’s not impossible for me to let someone inside my walls. To genuinely enjoy someone’s company. I can accept and enjoy someone else’s kids. I think I’m more excited about gaining an extended family than I ever thought possible. I can trust. It’s good that I am guarded. And it’s okay that I’m a homebody. And it’s true, I’m really fucking funny. And oh my gawd, I actually love having someone touch my feet. I had no idea how amazing a foot rub could be. And if someone ever shoots me in the eye again, throat punch that bitch because he ain’t for you anyway. Most importantly, I’ve learned just how much I have grown internally, processing disappointments and not falling apart. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Thank you for the lessons.

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Warning

55 minutes

20 phone calls

24 text messages

5 voice messages

And a single word I hear… warning

The conversation was ridiculous enough..but followed by that nonsense. All I see is a big red flag.

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Frustrations of being human

 
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My son, I love him dearly, but oh.my.god…can that kid drive me to my limits. My day consisted with kind of a crummy work day, then going to Walmart to pick up groceries for our Thanksgiving dinner. While shopping my son’s teacher called, a 20 minute conversation was had standing by the frozen turkeys. My son just decided he didn’t want to participate today, no work was completed for 6 periods. He wasn’t combative which sadly is good news. I spend my $150 in the self check-out. Come home to him in his “mood”.

Long story short, my son was upset his teacher embarrassed him in front of the whole class. He’s yelling and let me tell you, this kid has some lungs, and it pushes my limits. My daughter decides this is the time to inform him he was being selfish two days ago when he ate the last package of cinnamon rolls. So here I am, trying to discuss school and listening to them argue over fucking cinnamon rolls, both yelling over the other.

Finally my son and I get to discuss his day, his version. Sounds to me his lack of attention and honestly, I feel, his lack of respect has pushed his second period teacher to her limits. I listen respectfully and calmly explain “hey bud, do you think it’s possible when you have to be constantly redirected because of your lack of focus, do you think it’s possible that in a class of twenty something kids and the teacher who has a plan set by the school district how much work she is “REQUIRED” to teach all these kids for 9 periods a day, and that doesn’t allot her extra time to constantly redirect you or pull you aside for a lengthy explanation of how your actions appear disrespectful to her and the whole class…do you think it’s possible in her day she can, I don’t know, become human and get frustrated with you? Lose her patience?” Mind you while I said this, I had to snap my fingers a minimum of three times, and tell him no I will not let you speak yet at least two times. Sigh.. he is exhausting.

The night moved forward. Then Ryan begins to tell me how he was then yelled after school because he was startled and did his extremely high pitched scream in someones face who then yelled at him to “knock of that god damn girly shit”. Sigh… big sigh… I’m expected to address each and every person who doesn’t have the ability to calmly explain in detail with compassion and honestly, I’m exhausted. Did I do this? Did I cause his thinking the world has to tip toe around his feelings?

ThenĀ I’m cleaning my house preparing for a big Thanksgiving feast and my mom visiting, that’s stressful, my mom! I must have told my son a minimum of twelve times tonight to lower his voice, stop yelling. I use hand gestures to remind him, I give him the look that says “Dude! Enough!”. I am calm and patient at 5 pm… even 6 pm.. but by 7:30 when I’ve had him purposely scream like a girl terrified on a roller coaster in my face, I’ve had enough. I’m now yelling at him, firmly. Even popping him in the mouth with the reminder “I’ve asked you how many times to stop yelling!?”. In the end, I kick him out of the living room which took at least twenty minutes to make him go, and he’s in tears might I add. And I’m sitting here pissed and feeling guilty.

In 3 hours I managed to turn his shitty “I don’t want anyone here for thanksgiving! I hate school and I hate my life and I don’t want to see anyone!” to cheering up and being back to his goofy self and laughing…. to sending him to his room in tears. And I’m sitting her blogging my frustrations to avoid going in my room and popping a xanax. I am afterall, human. Extremely amazing and strong, but still human.

Life Lesson 4267

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When you find this, it will scare the shit out of you. You will be waiting for the rug to get ripped right out from under you, leaving you knocked on your ass.

Take deep breaths, enjoy it for however long it is, don’t over process, and just remember you fucking deserve it.

Life lesson 423

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