Life is good

Apology to my children

1- I am the one who ignored his red flags. 

2- I am responsible for bringing him in my children’s lives. I took the risk with all our hearts and time by bringing someone in who I should have known was capable of having a negative impact. I was selfish in not considering how it would affect my kids to see me so close to an unhealthy man again. 

3- I pray my children forgive me.

4- I have completely closed the door.

5- I will again show you that strong independent amazing mom who makes you proud to have. Our lives will only continue to get better, be better and fulfilling.

Hate him now

Word porn Wednesday 7.5.2017

I am a rarity

I have said this most of my adult life. I know there are not many, if any, in this world like me. 

Today is literally independence day, coincidence?

I can feel the changes inside. My soul is whispering “you are strong and wise beyond your years. You have so much to teach your children. Keep the warmth inside your heart, don’t let life turn you cold and bitter. Be brave and continue to love. You my dear are a priceless gift. Continue to use the pain and disappointment to strengthen yourself. It will teach you appreciation. Take the lessons life is offering and absorb them in your core. Share your wisdom with the world. Stand tall, proud and confident.” 

Familiar Disappointment

I honestly don’t know how to describe how this feels this time. It’s like I got used to it, it’s so familiar I’m saying “oh, hello again. Didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

It’s like I’m more upset with myself this time. Like “duh, you knew this so suck it up fool.”

Why do I always believe them when they say I’m different than all the others. I get sucked into this belief that I’m magical and by golly, he sees it. Ha.

I did know better. The whole god damn time my gut warned me.

It’s my own fault I find myself here again. 

I’m reminded why I avoid connecting with people. Why I choose to stay to myself and guard every bit of what’s left of myself. Why I trust no one and keep them all at a distance. Because I’m too nice. I’m too forgiving and loving, too generous and easily taken advantage of. I’m a fool.

I’ve never met a person with my integrity. With honesty and loyalty on the same level. And I’m continuously let down when I finally lower my standards to let someone in and they can’t even get close to the lower standards.

What’s funny is how he teaches me to lie, to pretend and hold back. How he teaches me exactly how to avoid honesty and openness. The funniest part is how upset he gets when I say the things he’s said to do it. He gets this frustrated smirk on his face like “damn, what can I say to that?”

Look, I know I’m not perfect and I know I do things that annoy people but man do you know how to tear someone down. And on one hand, I get it. You’re tired of looking like a selfish asshole who works for nothing and just uses people.. but wow. You made me not comfortable to speak around you. You made me sound like a selfish bitch. I don’t ever hear how amazing I am for opening my home and heart to you and your kids. Or how trusting I am for letting you create my “dream kitchen” which you failed terribly while destroying my home. I don’t hear how generous and giving I am spending my money to buy you and your kids things. You clearly don’t tell your friends or family about these things, just your exaggerated make believe crap when you want to look better. You make me embarrassed to be seen with you because everyone is thinking “that’s the one he told us about”. Ya when you win me back you brag on your page what an amazing woman I am so I can see it. But what about all those private conversations that make people stop talking to you when they find out we’re together? What you said to make them go so far to block you for being with me, that psycho bitch as they all refer to. 

Honestly, this is the part that hurts me the most because it’s so unfair to paint me that way. People I may see in the future or deal with in my business or my kids school. People who may meet my children and think “poor thing, their mom is such a crazy bitch. Let me tell you what I heard.” People spreading negative and untrue stories about me because you are just a coward afraid to own his shit. 

The truth is, how can I have a future with someone I can’t even respect.

This hits so close to home for me. As I read all your god damn text messages saying all the same god damn shit you have said for two fucking years. Somehow you say it with a straight face.

The things you do are the things I know I’m better than. I know I don’t deserve this crap and I’m ashamed I have accepted it. And if my child, or even yours for that matter, were in this situation it would break my heart. 
Sit on that for a minute. Before you again go into how you feel and what your going through. Can you for 30 fucking seconds see what you have done? 

I am Heather

I keep thinking about the last 2 months. How quickly you changed once you moved in. The eggshells we all walk on around you, your miserable attitude and hate for life. I keep thinking about our last deep talk on the couch and how psychotic you seemed, how evil and cruel. And I keep asking myself why am I helping you? Why am I letting you stay one more minute here.. you put yourself in this situation and you knew exactly what you were doing. This time it’s not about your selfish world crashing. Its about you trying to destroy mine and my kids world, for continuing to scar your kids. Its about you refusing to grow up and be a good man, a father your kids can depend on and be proud of. Its about all the god damn deception. 

Am I hurt? Absolutely. But it’s a different hurt. I don’t miss you, I miss what you said it was. I miss the (always temporary) admiration you have for me. I am disappointed in myself for believing you, for giving you a chance, for loving your kids, for believing we were a team. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you lie to me and for knowing better but wanting it to be true. I’m angry for you disappointing my kids and yours, all who have seen enough disappointment in their young lives. I’m angry you want this repeating exhausting cycle, since for over 2 years all I’ve heard is how you want better and will do it. Truth is you are in no better a place now than when we met. I’m disappointed I fell for all your bullshit. I’m disappointed in myself for ever believing you. I’m angry that I am being nice to you. I’m pissed you reminded me why I stayed alone for 10 years. I’m disgusted you make everything about you and your mental state, sulking when anyone has had enough of your shit. I’m sad you make your life you needing, taking and depending on others when you have so much potential to be a great man. I’m sad you have no understanding of loyalty or integrity. Mostly I’m sad I ignored it all for too long. 

BUT I am grateful for my strength. Proud of the person I am and the love I have to give. Thankful for all the struggles and pain I’ve been through and my determination to be better each and every day. I’m proud of my hard work and what I have achieved on my own. I have walked away from everything and built my life better than before. I am proud how I push myself to succeed and that I won’t accept failure. I am Heather, and yes I know I’m one amazing badass filled with greatness and I’m done allowing you to mooch and suck out my energy. 

Please find it in your heart to stop using this amazing woman who is a single mom. It is not my job or responsibility to finacially provide for you, nor is it your parents or ex-wife’s. The fact that you have absolutely no where to go should tell you what you have been doing isnt working because everyone in your life has had enough. You need to figure it out and stand on your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and every scar you have gotten in your 38 years and ask yourself “how can I see this differently?”. 

Focus on all the love around you. 

Your parents go above and beyond for you, that’s a gift. 

They are alive and healthy and not only able to be there, they choose to, gift. 

Your girls crave seeing you happy, stable and strong because they love you and want you in their life, gift. 

You have an amazing friendly personality that is so much fun to be around, gift. 

Sarcasm and humor, gifts.

You are a jack of many trades, able to do a wide variety of things, gift. 

You are physically stronger than a bull, gift. 

You have a beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes, gift. 

You can work a room, manipulate even the wisest of people, gift in sales.. Lol

You are smart and your mind is constantly spinning, gift.

You are a kind, loving and caring, gift.

You can be level headed and a great friend to talk to and give advice, gift.

Stop letting yourself drown in self-doubt and just fucking do it all!