Sunshine growing in my soul

I am a firm believer in taking time to process and feel your pain. Whether it’s a day, a week, a month or a year. Then let it go and find peace with it, move on. I’ve become so good at goodbye from him that the process goes so much quicker now even though the pain is still excruciating. I’m realizing that because I still love him deeply, I can’t keep opening that door for him. I deserve better than reliving this pain everytime. Close the door.

While I know nothing is forever, situations can change in life many times, I also know he is not stable or safe for me right now.

Today the sun is shining.

Today marks a new me.

Today I’m going to mow the grass, pull weeds and get dirt under my nails.

Today I start getting back in shape, back to a healthier me.

Today I will take the time to look up at the sun and let it absorb in my skin and my soul.

Today is all for me.

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Pumpkin Pie

I decided to give my grandson pumpkin pie for the first time. Not just any pumpkin pie, my mom’s pumpkin pie. My kids LOVE grammy’s pumpkin pie.

Step one:

What is this you stuck in my mouth?

Step two:

Wait a minute….

Step three:

I love you grandma! This is awesome!!

I love you too monkey butt ❤

Why do I love my furr-less sphynx cats?

The wrinkles.

The warmth.

The comfort.

The unconditional love.

The silliness that makes me laugh.

The sweet cuddles.

The joy they bring my life.

How simple their love is.

The excitement they feel when they see me.

The affection.

Making each day start and end with a warm heart.

Watching them play with each other.

The beauty of love in their eyes.

How they know when I am needing extra love.

How amazing they are with my other furr babies.

Their simple automatic love.

Kind playful minds.

Best of all….zero pet hair!

Wonderful Wednesday

This little guy brightened my day. This is my first grandbaby. I’m 40 and don’t feel like a grandma, but I am loving it.

Love bug

This little love bug is my new baby. And oh.my.freaking.god. I am so excited! Me and my daughters go pick him up this weekend which will be our first road trip. I never thought I could love a cat so much because I am allergic to their hair. So this little guy is the best of both worlds, no hair! Sphynx cats rule!

Mother’s pride

Lately I’ve been engulfed with pride. I look at my children and I think of all the years that’s passed and all the beautiful memories and I feel happiness.

I think of Ashley reading to me to practice and how it relaxed me so much it put me to sleep, and how that made me try harder to read stories to Ryan with them. I think about baking that lemon blueberry bread from scratch with Breanna because she wanted to be a baker. I wanted to encourage any passion they felt. I think of the crazy outfits Ryan would put together as he created a new superhero and how we’d all burst out laughing. I remember spending a whole weekend morning until night as we watched Law and Order SVU and made snowflake Christmas ornaments together. The dining room was my favorite room in the house, next to the kitchen because we were always crafting or cooking. I remember being with them, enjoying them and laughing together, honestly the best sound in the world. I think of all we have overcame and how easy they made it to be a single mom, one that put her children first. I think of how close we are still and it melts my heart. I love that my kids enjoy being around me even when they don’t have to.

They are my world and my sole purpose. On my worst day if I’m feeling down or insecure, I look at my kids and how amazing they are and remind myself “if I created them and helped shape them into these beautiful people, I’m fucking amazing too”.

We just call him Ryan

Image

I love this picture. This is me and my son at Christmas 2010. This Christmas marked the change in his life, in our lives. About a month after this picture we finally found out what was really wrong with him. He has Epilepsy. But at the time we took this picture we didn’t know that yet. We were told my son was genetically defected and diagnosed with every mental disorder. ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), depression, mood disorder and even bipolar disorder. All by the time he was 8 years old. He was on just about every type of psych med with 9 prescriptions. About a month before this Christmas photo was taken I was fed up and finally stood up to the doctors. I educated myself about any and every thing the doctors labeled him with, the medications and the side effects. I obsessed over it. I was fed up with them just throwing on another pill when his side effects got worse. I was fed up of him getting worse instead of better. I was fed up of believing those doctors and giving them all the power to do whatever to my son. If he was bipolar I was ready to accept that but damn it I was fed up with all their damn guesses. 9 prescription pills my son took each day and I was angry at myself for allowing the doctors to let it get to that point. After three attempts at partial hospitalization, we admitted him into the hospital. At eight years old my son was placed into the psychiatric unit in the hospital. He was in the hospital for two weeks and we even celebrated his 9th birthday there.

I look at this picture and realize there was a before and after. Before the diagnoses and after. I think back of all that has happened and there was one night that literally saved us both.

My son had been released from the hospital and home for the first time in years without any medication. What was scary was we found out he really had Epilepsy but the hospital couldn’t get a pediatric neurologist to see my son. So after my constant badgering and bitching the doctor finally agreed to release him and gave me a list of appointments I needed to make. To get in with a neurologist was a 3 month wait. But I didn’t care, I was so excited to bring him home!!

He started reading. He just sat in his room reading!! Now that’s just crazy talk…nope it’s true. I remember him telling me before he would look at the pages and it just looked like alphabet soup. But now when he looked at the pages the words came alive because he could read them. I think all those meds really messed with him but they also numbed the pain of our past for him. See three years before this we had moved from our home, the only one my kids knew and started all over leaving the past behind. The past being my son’s father who was abusive in many ways and we finally got away.

Fast forward. Extensive neuro psych testing found the rest of the pieces. No depression. No bipolar. He has Epilepsy, ADHD, non-verbal learning disorder(think high functioning aspergers/autism), and sensory processing disorder. But we just call him Ryan.

Now Ryan is almost 16. He’s a sophomore in a regular high school with an IEP (individualized education plan). This year will likely be his last year needing the social skills class which will allow him to take an elective class like photography. Next semester he’s signed up for ROTC. He wants to be a police officer and help people. He has a girl friend and loves who he is. He is thoughtful and caring. Funny and still obnoxious. He is a great kid and I am in awe of who he has become. Somehow this amazing kid with a shocking past is beating the odds and this mom couldn’t be prouder.

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