Why now?

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I have been battling depression and anxiety for the last few years. It’s difficult and extremely lonely. Today was the first day in a long time that I felt normal, back to my silly sassy self, feeling confident again. Then the rug was pulled out from under me.

I’m not capable of handling this. Of coping, of processing something I tried to bury years ago. But i am trying. Very. Very. Hard.
Set backs affecting my mental state. Things from so many years ago popping up, poking and prodding. I want to forget. I want to not know. I want to not think of it or how..or why. It’s disgusting. And I attempted to pretend it didn’t happen. I have always known it did, but it hurt too much to face. I pulled up my body to function for survival. Now the past has again come to haunt me. Remind me. I don’t want to think of it, but a picture plays in my head that I can’t stop. I’m again trying to make sense out of something that can’t possibly have any explanation. I feel sick and disgusted. Embarrassed and sad. Angry and alone.  But mostly sick. I want to avoid this memory, details of the story, after 8 years, I still can’t stomach the thought.

I’m praying to god, the holy spirit, universe, shit even tinker bell, help me find the strength to press on. Please allow me to forgive myself. And dare I say, he. Give me the strength to also forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because I do. I can’t hold onto this anger and bitterness, I can’t pretend it’s ok now. I know what must be done. I hope I can follow through.

Dear god, please help me overcome this obsticle. Give me the courage to let go and move on. To find peace and forgiveness because all the hurt I’ve suffered is too heavy.

I wish I knew before, first, now my wound is open again, life rubbing salt in the raw beating heart, unable to battle the memories, why does all shit hit the fan when I’m on the path to better things. This must also be part of my journey. But god, can you take it easy soon? Whatever I did to deserve this, please forgive me. I’ve been punished enough. Amen.

Fatherless son

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I’m struggling on what the right thing to do is for my son. It seems so obvious, the answer I mean. But I look in this growing boys deep brown eyes and my heart breaks.

I didn’t grow up with my father. I was raised by my mom and step-dad. But he is the only dad I knew and he loved me as his own. He was not perfect, but he was there and loved me. He never hurt me, he taught me how to ride a bike, and helped with my math homework. We went on family vacations and I felt safe with him. Sadly he died nearly 18 years ago.

I have this amazing son, who craves a big family. It’s been he and I along with his older twin sisters. One moved out 2 years ago, the other lives here but being 18, has her own life. That leaves me and my son. He’s an awkward boy, socially uncomfortable, obnoxious at times, very loud.. he has some medical issues which explain this. But he also has an amazing heart, knows right from wrong, cares so much about those he knows, he’s funny and creative. He also doesn’t have a dad, or any type of male role model.

In the last 2 years, we’ve attempted on numerous occasions for him to have a relationship with his dad. He has 3 younger brothers from his dad, whom he adores. And my son cares for his brother’s mom as well. He’s afraid of his dad. He doesn’t respect him or the choices he makes in regards to how he lives his life, how he treats people, including his brothers. But my son is a bit jealous that his brothers get to grow up knowing both their mom and dad. When he starts to communicate with his dad, his dad is full of excuses but initially tells my son how much he’s missed him and needs him. This is exactly what my son wants to hear, but he also wants it to be true. Immediately he’s given excuses about cancelled visits and late pick up times. My son tells his dad he wants a scheduled day just for him, but his dad won’t do this. When he sees his dad he’s quickly disappointed, hoping to learn what good is in his dad, he is just reminded how cruel and selfish his dad is. There are moments, a hair cut his dad paid for, telling my son he had to over draw his bank account to do. His dad has a large family and lots of friends, his goals in life weren’t raising his children. He’s a selfish person and his life revolves around himself and his wants.

Soon my son starts to show negative behavior. Being disrespectful to me, his sisters, even friends, cursing and inappropriate comments. He thinks this is how “men” act and he’s tired of being teased for being raised with only girls. He’s confused and unsure how to be a man, and knows his dad’s behavior is not good. But feels it’s better than nothing. My heart is sad.

Being a single parent is hard. On more occasions than I’d like to admit I have attempted to take his dad back just because that’s what my son wanted. It’s short lived and like a tornado, leaving everything damaged and broken. We are so quickly reminded how evil his dad is. And back to trying to put the pieces back together and find our normal again. There is no other parent to discuss what to do with behaviors, or what consequences to impose. No other parent to tag when my day can’t possibly handle anymore. It’s all me. To protect him, guide him, teach him, love him. And after we’ve tried to allow his dad a chance to be a parent, to co-parent and work as a team, we are always left disappointed and feeling so foolish for believing he could be capable of being a good person. To come in with good intentions and stay focused on the goal, our son. Disappointment, hurt, and anger is all he leaves behind. And this amazing little man, growing into a wonderful person with the heart and strength of a lion.

The Tragic Love Story Of Christy Mack and MMA Fighter War Machine

http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/12627754/the-tragic-love-story-christy-mack-mma-fighter-war-machine

What a strong and brave woman. This story describes how quickly you can lose yourself with a dangerous person.

Steps for my sanity

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I’ve made this step before. It’s necessary and it’s embarrassing that I seem to have back-peddled. But taking the step is crucial to my sanity.

Some people are like chameleons.
We want to believe they are good. The positive fun colors, bright yellow and glowing red. Happiness and love. Maybe because we gave so much to the person or the relationship. Maybe because we are stuck in the wrong time, memories playing in our head like a movie we can’t seem to stop. Usually because we want so badly to be able to trust our own judgements of who we give ourselves to. Maybe we haven’t really dealt with the situation in our heart. Unable to fall apart so we buried the pain and suffering deep down. And it continues to creep it’s way out, and you still don’t want to process those feelings so you try to keep pushing them down. Medicating the toll it’s taking on your health. Life has a way of forcing us to break down. We are all human and it’s part of our journey. To fall in love, get broken and find the path to true love. Loving ourselves. We must allow the process or we get stuck on repeat.

Some people are just the dark colors. Dysfunction. Chaos. Drama. Lies. Manipulation. And sometimes we put on blinders so not to see the very obvious. But when the darkness keeps taking over, whether like a slow black smoke cloud flowing over everything in its path or like a hurricane storm thrashing pain and damage all around, you must step away. Run. You must save yourself. You are no good to those you love if you lose yourself.

Sometimes we learn things immediately, catching on right away. Sometimes we must beat the lesson in ourselves, over and over again. Just remember it’s a sign your heart was too big and when there’s empty space we sometimes fill that with unnecessary things.

It’s time to clear the clutter from your mind, body & soul. Pick up the important pieces to keep and donate the useless crap to someone else. You don’t need it.

Check this out on Pinterest.

A letter to the loved ones of someone who suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Must read if yo… – http://pinterest.com/pin/AylbWwAQgP4Baq1S4J4AAAA/?s=3&m=wordpress

Hot mess

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Hot mess: a term used to describe me on more than one occasion. Shit, I’ve even said it.

Why?
Too many people let me down. Promised things as they lied through their teeth to say it. I wanted to believe them. My head knew better, but my heart needed it to be true. So I believed, with doubt and fear. Accepted things I shouldn’t have. I lost myself in the process.

Silence is powerful. It hurts and says more than words.

I deserve better. I’m done fighting for what isn’t. Maybe it once was, but clearly it’s not anymore. My heart pounds, I can’t breathe, my thoughts race, I accept less than I deserve, I hurt. Again, I hurt. I sometimes struggle to get through the day. What a hot mess I am.

Today will be what it is. Just as yesterday was what it was. And tomorrow will be a new day.

Breathe. Let go. Move on. Go outside and look at the sun. Lay in the grass.

Yourself

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