It is necessary to put yourself first

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This is a difficult lesson for a mom. Especially a single mom who over compensated to make up for the crappy men I chose to father my children.

So what I volunteered for school and sports. So what I threw numerous class parties; because mind you I always made the effort to do as much for all 3 of my children, so it wasn’t JUST what I had to do for you, but your sister and brother as well.

-valentine’s with a whiney mother who complained the whole time but I managed to keep the kids unaware of the “mommy” drama while I plated 29 plates of cupcakes, cookies, candy & poured 29 cups of fruit punch while keeping the classroom of kids occupied with senseless games and listening to that whiney mom..that yes cost me money I didn’t have and time off work.. along with
-Halloween party with 30 rolls of toilet paper so the kids could wrap each other as mummies, and again treats and goodies to sugar up all the 5th graders
-dressing up as the “candy witch” for Halloween (several years) and combing the halls of the elementary school with a cauldron full of candy to pass out to all the kids, teachers and parents (which the kids loved..teachers not so much..lol)
-softball field 6 days a week for 4 months every summer for 5 years; while working my full time job and a part time job to help pay for these things
-spending every Friday night or Saturday morning driving you across town for a job that was all about teaching you the value of earning your own money; even though it would have been easier to just give you the $12 you earned in the 2 hours of driving I did
-Working the concession stands several times at high school games to help raise funds for the student council – of which my daughter was president and vice president 
-donating blood twice (and doubles once) for same student council, even with my anemia knowing I would suffer for weeks to build my iron back
-volunteering to host the 6th grade graduation ceremony – not because I had a 6th grader that year but to be involved in your school- having to stand on my feet for nearly 4 hours (miserable!)
-all the baked goods I stayed up late to make, after working all day, for school and sport bake sales 
-attending nearly every single parent teacher conference and definitely every single awards ceremony or art show. Taking the time off work wasn’t an issue for this mom because I was going to show my kids how proud I was and how important they were to me (& remembering how sad I was when I was a kid and my mom wasn’t there)
-sitting through more than my fair share of 3 hour musicals, sitting right in front even though I absolutely hate musicals
-volunteering after work or a Sunday off that I should have been sleeping or catching up on laundry to help tear down play sets or paint and build the new ones
-going to thrift stores and searching for costumes for not just your character in the play, but kids I didn’t even know, and paying for the ones we found, and refusing to be reimbursed
-spending ridiculous funds that I couldn’t afford to spare on raffle tickets, and jars of shitty $10 soup mixes, cookie dough and family sets of $30 sweatshirts and tshirts promoting your school plays (even the teacher was blown away at my orders)
-helping sell hundreds of chocolate bars over the years to send you on weekend out of state school trips
-being your parent and your friend, always proud and accepting of whatever choices you made. Never asking you to “hide” or “pretend” who you are and encouraged you to be proud of yourselves
-never wanting to deny you opportunities that I missed out on so I made sure it happened, whatever the expense; even though in your whole life I was never able to afford a family vacation 
-doctors appointments, counseling appointments, orthodontist appointments, eye and dentist check ups- all of which I had to constantly request time off work to do..the job that paid for our roof, food, and all mentioned expenses
-attorney fees to stand up for you to ensure you were treated right because of the awful stories you came home to tell me in tears; and I’d curl in a ball on my bedroom floor crying feeling so helpless and worried when you were there..just so after a 2.5 year court battle finished, 6 months later you drag me back to say you want to live with said crazy step mom (obviously she wasn’t as crazy as you said..why did I spend nearly 10 grand on the attorney again? That’s right, because you felt unsafe with her!)
-6 months later you decide you want to live with your dad… after
-I bought a 4 bedroom house blocks from your dad’s family so you could be closer to them
-which meant I had to buy you a car for school, COULDNT AFFORD IT BUT DID IT

I can’t help but remember dad not there and refusing to participate in any of your fundraisers or even help with ANY of the costs. Didn’t get involved with you until he looked like an idiot in court. Aunts not there, charged me to babysit you. Grammy was there for a lot of it, but ALWAYS your exhausted overworked single mom. I fought to raise you into good people who know the value of love and to work for what they belive in. Over the years I fought the schools, doctors, your dad and his “crazy vicious” wife, I stood through court battles that dragged out for years, ALL in your honor.

Clearly it was too much. I forgot about myself. Doing so, I also taught you to forget about me. How dare I expect you to grow up and respect me for my sacrifices, or to value me enough to also show I’m a priority in your lives.

I know I’m not perfect, I’m full of flaws. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and having my children so young, they grew up watching me beat myself up over and learn from the mistakes. And yes, the last few years have especially been difficult for me and my traumatic life finally took its toll on me. I’m sometimes emotional and usually stubborn.  But I can honestly say I always did my best, tried my best, and loved with my whole heart and accepted the lessons life presented me with. Yes, sometimes I’ve had to learn and relearn some of the lessons. But my god, if you think you’ve had it rough, try to live in my shoes and we’ll see how great you do without one person to count on and no stable support system or even a close friend to call.

My mom always told me “when you grow up and have kids of your own, you will understand.” This was always in response to my judgement and opinion of her choices and her mistakes. Being a stupid selfish kid, I “knew” I would do better. I wouldn’t do this or that. I wouldn’t allow that or put up with that. I would be better. What. A. Stupid. Kid. I. Was.

I’ve learned not to judge others; life will put me in my place eventually to show me I need to understand everyone makes mistakes but that doesn’t mean they are bad people. I’ve learned I’m not as perfect I once thought I was. I’ve also learned life flies bye; I’m going on 38 and somehow don’t realize how I got this old so fast. I’ve learned people that shouldn’t let me down, most definitely will; Usually in the worst ways. I’ve learned I should have made myself a priority; becoming a mom, I immediately forgot that. I’ve learned that I don’t even know “who” I am. I’ve learned there isn’t a rewind or reset button, and by the time I realize I need it (been a bazillion times) the damage is done. I’ve learned I need to be my own friend first; if I can’t enjoy myself, how can I expect others to? I’ve learned my dysfunctional life trained me to make poor decisions in who I let inside my walls; and it’s something I’m working on and probably will continue to my whole life. I’ve learned everyone needs to be around good positive people, distance yourself from negative ones; it will drain you. I’ve learned life is preparing you for the next chapter; because some of my most miserable times prepared me and gave me tools to use in my next chapters. I’ve learned I need to say “no” more; going out of my way for others doesn’t earn their loyalty to me. I’ve learned people don’t want to hear about all the really awful things I’ve survived and conquered; they usually pity me instead of respect me and the stories make them uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say to the unimaginable; and the ones who are intrigued and want to learn more are the ones who are the most fucked up and will use the information to tear me down tomorrow. I’ve learned bad people can hide in good programs/organizations so don’t trust everyone just because they’re involved in good things. I’ve learned enough is enough; no more judgement or listening to others opinions. No more desperation of wanting others to like me, who gives a shit what they think. I’ve learned I truly can’t count on anyone but myself, and that’s okay. I’ve learned life will change in a minute; so if I’m struggling, I just gotta remember “today will never happen again”.

Most importantly, I’ve learned to let go and move on. I’ve done the best I could. And when these selfish kids of mine grow up and have children of their own, my mom’s message will ring true to them as well. And for the other people? Well they can all just kiss my ass!

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Magic of beginnings

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24 hours

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Hardest days

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Tweet from Heather (@momsfranticmind)

It takes its toll to always be the strong 1, especially when that person has to stand alone. Be kind & don’t judge their weaknesses
(https://twitter.com/momsfranticmind/status/318425141329661954)

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Time to recharge my soul

 

First I must apologize for my lack of posting and checking in on any of the blogs I like to follow. I have been hit by a wall (as Oprah says, life will give you hints and it starts with a whisper…eventually it changes to a thump on the top of your head! And if you still don’t get the message, life will slam you into a wall. It’s just trying to get your attention so you can hear the message)..Anyway, I needed time to recharge my soul.

So for the first time in 12 years I found myself unemployed. It’s not a good feeling, especially when you are the only person you can count on to keep the roof over your family’s head. I’m scared, angry, sad, devastated, quite frankly…I’m pissed off!

I worked my butt off for that company, I did everything in my power to benefit that company. Things weren’t getting done, see it was a small company so it’s more than difficult to “tattle” and even when you tried to casually mention anything it caused world war 3! So I stepped up and did it…all of it (besides the shop manager..he’s awesome, and engineering-that’s over my head)! And I loved it! I was amazing at it! But all hell broke loose when I pressed (mind you for over 6 months) for a receptionist to get hired, even part-time so I would have some help. Honestly I talked to “management” for over a year and things just would have continued to go downhill if someone didn’t do something. So I did what my mom taught me, I took charge! And there were no complaints, by all accounts I was doing a wonderful job, the manager at the time even got me an awesome raise! I was even told “exceptional work performance” hours before the new manager fired me.

See I learned a valuable lesson. I need to put myself first, always!

  • I never took vacations, EVER! I couldn’t afford to on the measly pay I got, but I accepted it.
  • My son has Epilepsy and requires more than the average kid. So I was scared if I got a new job the new company wouldn’t work with me for that.
  • I was comfortable
  • I only had a ten minute drive from home
  • I even had my own office with a window!

I had been there so long I didn’t realize how much of my own personal stuff I had there. I never thought about it, I didn’t plan on leaving. I had a decent raise for the first time and like I said, I was comfortable and enjoyed what I was doing. I was good at it and I felt good about it. I even started a spreadsheet keeping track of the money I saved the company on the purchases I got involved with for inventory. After about 9 months I finally pressed the owner about my mounting pressures and the need for some office help, attaching the spreadsheet detailing the over eighteen thousand dollars I had saved the company in roughly 9 months I had been tracking it. He called and cursed me out because no one asked me to do it!! Mind you, the manager he hired over a year before did and I had emails to prove our conversations. Owner apologized, and demoted me.

My love for the company and hope for it to be successful was shrunk down a little after that…okay, a lot. Long story short, about 2 very stressful months I was fired. Told to leave the property and not even allowed to take my personal items. My children’s drawings and pictures, nothing. I have been with this company since they opened this office 12 years ago and they have NEVER treated anyone this way. I thought of that company like family. I stuck it out when it looked like that place was going to close and I worked my ass off to better things there. Honestly, they hurt my heart. They hurt my children. And why? Because I spoke the truth…

I remind myself everything happens for a reason. Doors close so you can see the new ones that are meant for you. I have to remind myself that things will work out, as my best friend reminds me-they always do. 

this mom seems to be rebelling from herself….

reb·el

[n., adj. reb-uhl; v. ri-bel]

noun

1. a person who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises in arms against the government or ruler of his or her country.
2. a person who resists any authority, control, or tradition.
adjective
3.rebellious; defiant.
4. of or pertaining to rebels.
verb (used without object) re·bel

5. to reject, resist, or rise in arms against one’s government or ruler.
6. to resist or rise against some authority, control, or tradition.
7. to show or feel utter repugnance: His very soul rebelled at spanking the child.

(definition compliments of dictionary.com)

Yes, I said it. I admit it, I own it, I am acknowledging this. I am rebelling from my own parenting strategy plan! Let me explain.

Time is not on my side

Let’s see. On a typical day my alarm clock starts going off at 5:30 am. Well, really it’s 5:23 am. I fool myself by setting the clock ahead. If I were to use an easy round number (say 10 minutes) it’s pretty darn easy to figure out what time it really is, even at 5 in the morning. I know I have enough time to hit snooze a few times, but I’m honestly so tired in the morning I can’t remember how many times I hit it already. Then to do the math in my head for the 7 minute (which I’m thinking I should at least double this now) trick, oh shoot, just get out of bed. On a good day I am out of bed by 6 am.

Immediately I need to feed the cat, then the dogs, but Emmy’s food needs to soak in hot water for a few minutes because she’s old, clean the water dish and fill that up. Once I dump the first cup of food in the dog dish, my daughter will grumble and slam her bedroom door closed. How dare I wake them up before they need to curl their hair! Maybe sweep the kitchen floor, flip the laundry I didn’t finish the night before. Breakfast, I take a handful of vitamins every morning so I need food in my stomach first, breakfast is usually a banana or apple, maybe a protein bar. Fill up my ice water jug, because I have to drink 8 ounces of water with my vitamins, otherwise I’m backed up again.. and I NEED to take the vitamins because this mom doesn’t eat right or enough which just drags me down more….

I typically will practice our tricks with the dogs. Sit, down, up, speak, sing, dance, for whatever reason my dogs love this. I’m sure it’s the treats. Anyway, time for my shower (I have to bring Emmy’s food in the bathroom to feed her, otherwise Toby will devour her food…I also might scrub the tiles or tub), wake up Ryan. Waking up Ryan takes at least 45 minutes. I will go in and out of his room about 5 times trying to wake him. Toby is adorable and will climb into his bed when he hears me trying this. Toby will stand over Ryan and sniff in his ear and face. I honestly think this is Toby’s way of helping me out 🙂 I need to make sure Ryan’s taken his anti-seizure meds, remind him a dozen times to stay on track and brush his teeth. While doing this I’m attempting to put on some make up to hide my dark circles under my eyes. Let the dogs out again, get Ryan off to school (damn he forgot his book bag again!) get Toby in his kennel for the day and grab my purse heading to work. As you can see, I haven’t even started my day.  I think you get my point about a lack of time for me.

Who has some energy to spare?

I’m exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. Now I’m suppose to come home and immediately start with the kids. I need to inspect for “children droppings” and see if they “stole” any fun without doing their jobs. (I’ll explain more later) But all I want to do when I walk in is go hide in my room for a 15 minute break. A break from the world. Just 15 minutes that I don’t have to smile at anyone, or greet them. 15 minutes of not listening to anyone else. 15 minutes to lay down because my back has been killing me…But I can’t get this. It shouldn’t be a big deal…but for me it is…

At least the dogs greet me with a smile 🙂

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