Goofball over stats and needs to know…..

Goofball blogger

Ok so I’m just quickly adding a little something for today. I thought I’d quickly share what a total goofball I was over my blog stats this week. So the highlight of my week resulted in me freaking out with excitement when I saw I had reached 52 views in one day! For some I’m sure it’s silly to get so excited over this but for a lady that likes to be heard, IT WAS AWESOME!!  Don’t judge me! LOL!

Then I realized…..

Wait a minute…I reblogged a few blogs from others on my page. Did my total go up to 52 in one day only because it counted how many went to my page and the other blogs? Or did I really get so much attention in one day? Can anyone help me out with an answer to this?

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A calm after the storm

The Storm Hit and stuck around for a bit

To sum things up, my family has been hit hard. The storm came and just stayed. It kept turning and moving and spinning. On numerous occasions I found myself dizzy from the whirlwind. Physically exhausted, mentally burnt, and wondering when it would stop hitting us with new blows. Just let up already! Hadn’t we survived enough storms?

Learning to find the Light

I’m learning to find peace and light in whatever little things I can. It’s to hard when I focus on the negative things. It’s scary and quite frankly there’s too damn many of them to think about. So I’m trying to focus on the things I’m thankful for. This doesn’t come naturally for me, I have to work at it. But I am starting to see the gifts and stay focused on them because it makes me feel better.

It’s Okay

For some reason things are okay. I say this shocked because I had “checked out” for a while. I didn’t focus on the parenting plans or behavior strategy’s. I didn’t even think about all the appointments I needed to make and all the things I needed to get done, doctors to follow-up with for my son. I just didn’t care, it was not in me. While my body got some much-needed rest, I cut myself off from the world. My kids saw that even Supermom runs out of juice. I didn’t harp on them about vacuuming, or doing their dishes. I didn’t notice if the litter box was getting scooped. I didn’t say a word when my son repeatedly left his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, right next to the clothes bin. I stopped pointing out that someone left the shower curtain open instead of pulling it straight to make the bathroom look tidy. I didn’t get up before the sun to feed the pets and start laundry and frantically run around the house before I had to leave for work. I didn’t have my usual “to do” list to remind me “don’t forget to do this today!”.  I stopped shaving my legs, I didn’t bother with painting my toes, I can’t believe how many gray hairs I really have when I don’t color my hair. I just pretty much stopped everything. My body caved under all the pressure and I physically had nothing left to give.

I felt guilty about it. I know my kids hated watching me fall down and unable to get back up. I was SUPERMOM with super powers controlling our world, not anymore. I hated knowing they had to see it, day in and day out watching me in my self-pity. We all only told a select few at first, I was embarrassed that I was now “unemployed” and without a plan. But once I got past worrying about all of it, I realized something. Something I needed to know all this time. The world didn’t fall apart. Everything was still okay!

My kids picked up the slack. Sure they all took advantage of not having to follow the rigid schedule of chores. They enjoyed mom not complaining about who did or didn’t do whatever. Who can blame them! But you know what? They knew what things were most important and what things could sit and wait. The pets got fed, but I didn’t do it! Every now and then a load of laundry was done, magically. The house was picked up, we all got fed, and somehow it didn’t matter that I wasn’t controlling it anymore. That’s when I started to breathe.

I still constantly apply for jobs, but I can even do it from my phone now. These smart-phones are amazing, just miniature computers in the palm of my hand! Instead of sitting at the computer, I played fetch with the dog. I watched a lot of junk TV with the kids. I even read a little bit. I looked at every option and decided I’m going back to college. I’m already registered. And guess what, I’m not even sure exactly what degree I want and it’s still okay! See, I’m a planner. I have to know everything in advance, schedule for it, arrange all the details. I’m learning I don’t need to do that anymore because things still work out. Even when the plan changes, it all works out.

Now when I decided to bring some structure back it wasn’t an easy task. My son is a very stubborn boy. We played “bull” for quite a few days trying to see which one of us was going to outlast the other. It was not fun and I wasn’t sure I had it in me anymore. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and I got a call from a great lady who sat on the phone with me, reminding me how I did it before and telling me it was okay I got off track. That’s life! It was the perfect motivator and rejuvenated me, and then I realized he was throwing in the towel instead. I didn’t go back to all of the lessons and strategy’s we recently learned. I did take pieces of them though and found a way to make it work. Eventually he stopped fighting me. The power of a cable TV is pretty darn strong. I learned that’s the key, at least for my son. I don’t sit next to him constantly redirecting him to clean his room. He just didn’t get the TV until he did what I asked him to do. Slowly I realized his fights weren’t such terrible battles anymore. He was learning it was better to just get it over with and do what mom asked. I wince at typing this for fear that I may ruin the progress. (Knock on wood Heather, quickly before it’s too late!)

Today I made my dear son pick up the mess in the living room. It was his after all. I keep the remote until he finishes the job. He needed to clear his dirty dishes, pick up the wrappers and re-organize the stack of DVD’s he took out. When he asked me nicely for the remote I just calmly reminded him “Sure, once you finish picking up the living room”. There is no caving in from me, at least not today. I checked the room before I gave him the remote. Something I always needed to do before, but was too exhausted from work to follow through with. Now he doesn’t waste my time with 10 trips of me checking to see he had not done anything yet. I just calmly ask “Did you get the dishes yet? And the trash? And those DVD’s got put back in the proper cases right?” That last one took him a little while. He just kept whining and pouting how hard it is and why should it matter if they are in the right cases if they’re just his movies anyway? I just simply answered the question, calmly stating “because I said so” at the end. Eventually, after about an hour, maybe two, he finally did all the steps, properly. And he was proud of himself. (and I am proud of us both!)

I write this detailed reminder not for other parents who may read this and need the tips. I write it to remind ME why it’s working now. I’m not frantically pacing the house to get all the chores done and stressing about all those papers I still need to get done at the office. I’m not stressed out because I still haven’t had the time or energy to organize the closet. My mind isn’t racing with 30 things I need to make sure gets done at work because I’m doing 3 people’s work while they get to relax watching YouTube, frustrated at the lack of concern the owner has about his own company. I’m not angry anymore about the lack of involvement and interest he had. I’m not stewing over the fact that the owner is an unreasonable and unappreciative jerk blowing me off every time I discuss logical and necessary changes to be addressed. Sigh…I was overworked, unappreciated and undervalued which contributed to a toxic work environment, I’m not dealing with that anymore. I’m not thinking which step of the new behavior strategy I forgot to follow through with either. I’m not stressing. I’m breathing. I’m calm.

I’m still in a storm, but I’m okay, me and the kids. I understand the term “calm after the storm” and I have faith that it’s all going to work out. I just hope I’m right.

Time to recharge my soul

 

First I must apologize for my lack of posting and checking in on any of the blogs I like to follow. I have been hit by a wall (as Oprah says, life will give you hints and it starts with a whisper…eventually it changes to a thump on the top of your head! And if you still don’t get the message, life will slam you into a wall. It’s just trying to get your attention so you can hear the message)..Anyway, I needed time to recharge my soul.

So for the first time in 12 years I found myself unemployed. It’s not a good feeling, especially when you are the only person you can count on to keep the roof over your family’s head. I’m scared, angry, sad, devastated, quite frankly…I’m pissed off!

I worked my butt off for that company, I did everything in my power to benefit that company. Things weren’t getting done, see it was a small company so it’s more than difficult to “tattle” and even when you tried to casually mention anything it caused world war 3! So I stepped up and did it…all of it (besides the shop manager..he’s awesome, and engineering-that’s over my head)! And I loved it! I was amazing at it! But all hell broke loose when I pressed (mind you for over 6 months) for a receptionist to get hired, even part-time so I would have some help. Honestly I talked to “management” for over a year and things just would have continued to go downhill if someone didn’t do something. So I did what my mom taught me, I took charge! And there were no complaints, by all accounts I was doing a wonderful job, the manager at the time even got me an awesome raise! I was even told “exceptional work performance” hours before the new manager fired me.

See I learned a valuable lesson. I need to put myself first, always!

  • I never took vacations, EVER! I couldn’t afford to on the measly pay I got, but I accepted it.
  • My son has Epilepsy and requires more than the average kid. So I was scared if I got a new job the new company wouldn’t work with me for that.
  • I was comfortable
  • I only had a ten minute drive from home
  • I even had my own office with a window!

I had been there so long I didn’t realize how much of my own personal stuff I had there. I never thought about it, I didn’t plan on leaving. I had a decent raise for the first time and like I said, I was comfortable and enjoyed what I was doing. I was good at it and I felt good about it. I even started a spreadsheet keeping track of the money I saved the company on the purchases I got involved with for inventory. After about 9 months I finally pressed the owner about my mounting pressures and the need for some office help, attaching the spreadsheet detailing the over eighteen thousand dollars I had saved the company in roughly 9 months I had been tracking it. He called and cursed me out because no one asked me to do it!! Mind you, the manager he hired over a year before did and I had emails to prove our conversations. Owner apologized, and demoted me.

My love for the company and hope for it to be successful was shrunk down a little after that…okay, a lot. Long story short, about 2 very stressful months I was fired. Told to leave the property and not even allowed to take my personal items. My children’s drawings and pictures, nothing. I have been with this company since they opened this office 12 years ago and they have NEVER treated anyone this way. I thought of that company like family. I stuck it out when it looked like that place was going to close and I worked my ass off to better things there. Honestly, they hurt my heart. They hurt my children. And why? Because I spoke the truth…

I remind myself everything happens for a reason. Doors close so you can see the new ones that are meant for you. I have to remind myself that things will work out, as my best friend reminds me-they always do. 

Life Lesson 40312

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.  Sometimes that’s the best you can do.

Life Lesson #33012

Life Lesson #32912

Sometimes we need to be selfish and do something nice for ourselves. Let go of the guilt from doing it too!

Life Lesson #32812

Frame every so-called disaster with these words….

“In five years, will this matter?”

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