Familiar Disappointment 


I honestly don’t know how to describe how this feels this time. It’s like I got used to it, it’s so familiar I’m saying “oh, hello again. Didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

It’s like I’m more upset with myself this time. Like “duh, you knew this so suck it up fool.”

Why do I always believe them when they say I’m different than all the others. I get sucked into this belief that I’m magical and by golly, he sees it. Ha.

I did know better. The whole god damn time my gut warned me.

It’s my own fault I find myself here again. 


I’m reminded why I avoid connecting with people. Why I choose to stay to myself and guard every bit of what’s left of myself. Why I trust no one and keep them all at a distance. Because I’m too nice. I’m too forgiving and loving, too generous and easily taken advantage of. I’m a fool.


I’ve never met a person with my integrity. With honesty and loyalty on the same level. And I’m continuously let down when I finally lower my standards to let someone in and they can’t even get close to the lower standards.


What’s funny is how he teaches me to lie, to pretend and hold back. How he teaches me exactly how to avoid honesty and openness. The funniest part is how upset he gets when I say the things he’s said to do it. He gets this frustrated smirk on his face like “damn, what can I say to that?”


Look, I know I’m not perfect and I know I do things that annoy people but man do you know how to tear someone down. And on one hand, I get it. You’re tired of looking like a selfish asshole who works for nothing and just uses people.. but wow. You made me not comfortable to speak around you. You made me sound like a selfish bitch. I don’t ever hear how amazing I am for opening my home and heart to you and your kids. Or how trusting I am for letting you create my “dream kitchen” which you failed terribly while destroying my home. I don’t hear how generous and giving I am spending my money to buy you and your kids things. You clearly don’t tell your friends or family about these things, just your exaggerated make believe crap when you want to look better. You make me embarrassed to be seen with you because everyone is thinking “that’s the one he told us about”. Ya when you win me back you brag on your page what an amazing woman I am so I can see it. But what about all those private conversations that make people stop talking to you when they find out we’re together? What you said to make them go so far to block you for being with me, that psycho bitch as they all refer to. 

Honestly, this is the part that hurts me the most because it’s so unfair to paint me that way. People I may see in the future or deal with in my business or my kids school. People who may meet my children and think “poor thing, their mom is such a crazy bitch. Let me tell you what I heard.” People spreading negative and untrue stories about me because you are just a coward afraid to own his shit. 


The truth is, how can I have a future with someone I can’t even respect.


This hits so close to home for me. As I read all your god damn text messages saying all the same god damn shit you have said for two fucking years. Somehow you say it with a straight face.

The things you do are the things I know I’m better than. I know I don’t deserve this crap and I’m ashamed I have accepted it. And if my child, or even yours for that matter, were in this situation it would break my heart. 
Sit on that for a minute. Before you again go into how you feel and what your going through. Can you for 30 fucking seconds see what you have done? 

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