I am Heather

I keep thinking about the last 2 months. How quickly you changed once you moved in. The eggshells we all walk on around you, your miserable attitude and hate for life. I keep thinking about our last deep talk on the couch and how psychotic you seemed, how evil and cruel. And I keep asking myself why am I helping you? Why am I letting you stay one more minute here.. you put yourself in this situation and you knew exactly what you were doing. This time it’s not about your selfish world crashing. Its about you trying to destroy mine and my kids world, for continuing to scar your kids. Its about you refusing to grow up and be a good man, a father your kids can depend on and be proud of. Its about all the god damn deception. 

Am I hurt? Absolutely. But it’s a different hurt. I don’t miss you, I miss what you said it was. I miss the (always temporary) admiration you have for me. I am disappointed in myself for believing you, for giving you a chance, for loving your kids, for believing we were a team. I’m disappointed in myself for letting you lie to me and for knowing better but wanting it to be true. I’m angry for you disappointing my kids and yours, all who have seen enough disappointment in their young lives. I’m angry you want this repeating exhausting cycle, since for over 2 years all I’ve heard is how you want better and will do it. Truth is you are in no better a place now than when we met. I’m disappointed I fell for all your bullshit. I’m disappointed in myself for ever believing you. I’m angry that I am being nice to you. I’m pissed you reminded me why I stayed alone for 10 years. I’m disgusted you make everything about you and your mental state, sulking when anyone has had enough of your shit. I’m sad you make your life you needing, taking and depending on others when you have so much potential to be a great man. I’m sad you have no understanding of loyalty or integrity. Mostly I’m sad I ignored it all for too long. 

BUT I am grateful for my strength. Proud of the person I am and the love I have to give. Thankful for all the struggles and pain I’ve been through and my determination to be better each and every day. I’m proud of my hard work and what I have achieved on my own. I have walked away from everything and built my life better than before. I am proud how I push myself to succeed and that I won’t accept failure. I am Heather, and yes I know I’m one amazing badass filled with greatness and I’m done allowing you to mooch and suck out my energy. 

Please find it in your heart to stop using this amazing woman who is a single mom. It is not my job or responsibility to finacially provide for you, nor is it your parents or ex-wife’s. The fact that you have absolutely no where to go should tell you what you have been doing isnt working because everyone in your life has had enough. You need to figure it out and stand on your own. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and every scar you have gotten in your 38 years and ask yourself “how can I see this differently?”. 

Focus on all the love around you. 

Your parents go above and beyond for you, that’s a gift. 

They are alive and healthy and not only able to be there, they choose to, gift. 

Your girls crave seeing you happy, stable and strong because they love you and want you in their life, gift. 

You have an amazing friendly personality that is so much fun to be around, gift. 

Sarcasm and humor, gifts.

You are a jack of many trades, able to do a wide variety of things, gift. 

You are physically stronger than a bull, gift. 

You have a beautiful smile and gorgeous eyes, gift. 

You can work a room, manipulate even the wisest of people, gift in sales.. Lol

You are smart and your mind is constantly spinning, gift.

You are a kind, loving and caring, gift.

You can be level headed and a great friend to talk to and give advice, gift.

Stop letting yourself drown in self-doubt and just fucking do it all! 

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