My kitchen remodel nightmare

I’m trying, really trying to keep myself together. But I feel heavy, weak, out of breath, and unavailable.  My anxiety is probably the highest it’s been in a very long time. I feel lost. 

I know he meant well. I know if he could give me my dream kitchen he would. But he didn’t stop to consider the size of the project he created, or how the process would affect me. Someone who claims to know me better than I know myself, should have known this was going to drive me nuts. I should be planning a baby shower for my first grandchild, playing in my garden, baking lemon poppyseed bread. But I can barely function. 

He sees me doesn’t he? Can’t he understand what this is doing to me? I want to hide in a dark hole, my mind won’t stop racing and I can’t even have a conversation. Talking hurts my brain, listening to anyone talking makes me want to explode. I feel insane, how living in this can affect me so deeply yet he just wants to go on with life as if this is normal. I can’t even think or breathe. I feel a thousand pound weight sitting on my chest. 

It upsets me when he asks me what’s wrong and it infuriates me that he’s more concerned if “we’re okay” rather than trying to fix the mess he created that’s broken me. In other words-bust his ass to make me better. And yes, that absolutely makes me question this relationship. Everything from the last week, how he handled all of it. How he can sit there and see me broken and not try to do something unless I push it. But honestly, I can’t even think about any of that. I just want quiet in my head and the pressure to lift off my chest. I want to feel peace in my mind and calm in my body. 

Tomorrow I will be back to my bad-ass self. But tonight I’m not there. 

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