I choose to be better

It’s no secret I have a temper. It’s hard wired in my genes. When I get pissed there’s usually an exhausting process but is always the result of being hurt or disrespected. I fight back tears. My chest feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t breathe, I shake, my blood is literally boiling and I’m ready to tell you all the reasons you can fuck off. I can insult you like you have never seen. Fuck going below the belt, I can take that bitch off and beat you with it. I will make sure you think twice before disrespecting me again. If I’m pushed to physical blows, I can briefly black out and when I come to, I’m drowning in confusion when I realize what’s happened and I see you on the floor. It’s actually a terrifying feeling for me as much as it is for you.

Now I choose to be better mentally. To avoid being on the defense. I have learned to breathe and step away from the situation regardless how much you deserve to feel my roar. I feel the rage pulsing through my whole body, from my toes to the top of my head. I want to explode but I’m actually protecting you. When I completely calm down, it’s like a weighted blanket wraps me. My heart finally slows down and I feel the heat leave my body. My ears even burn and the pressure releases leaving an ache in my head. To not explode is actually more physically exhausting for me, it’s a crash. Fighting would be energizing, like a wrestler punching his chest. Instead I’m drained of every bit of energy to save you from my wrath. Eventually I feel better and proud of this accomplishment. Very few people can help me with this process. So thankful for my best friend having this gift so I can continue to grow into being a better and stronger person.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. fearthyself
    Mar 26, 2017 @ 13:30:12

    I will always be here. I am learning with every moment ways to calm you down on all levels. Love you babe.

    Reply

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