Self reflection is not for weak. It’s hard to open your eyes to your own flaws. But my goal in life is to be better than who I was yesterday, and that takes hard work.
I can be a very cold person. I’m not mean but to others especially those I love, I see now, my armor can be cruel. But it’s been my safety net.
I don’t want to admit to myself I care because that is a hard fall. It gives them power to hurt me. I carry a lot of internal baggage. Scars from previous relationships left me terrified to love again. It crippled me in that department. Even when someone is the safest person I’ve ever met, I made myself doubt their love and dedication to me because I couldn’t allow myself to believe. I pushed him away in an effort to save myself the heartache from the fall. I was always preparing for it. I convinced myself all the things he did was not a big deal. That no one could love me, not the real me buried deep inside hidden from everyone. The scared, scarred insecure me. Even when everyone in my family said “he adores you” I refused to focus on or acknowledge how special the things he did for me was. And honestly, I never realized how deep my scars are until I actually saw myself in his eyes. To hear how my actions made him feel. How closed off I was and how that must have felt for him. For a year and half he stood by my side, protecting me from my fears even at his cost. He needed to feel loved, he deserved that. And while he knew I loved him, he knew it wasn’t all of me and he accepted that.
I always say “we are all human; flawed individuals trying in a tough world to become better”. This human right here has learned a valuable lesson about love. True love. Real love. Deep in your soul love. It’s real and it’s scary but it’s worth it. Keep pushing through your fears.