Maybe I put on a hard front, even with him, but mostly for myself. I can’t be vulnerable or weak ever again. I did take for granted he would always be there.. maybe unknowingly I was testing him. Maybe I was trying to rip off the bandaid.. always protecting my heart, trying to be a step ahead of the fall. As much as I know I’m amazing on the outside perspective, on the inside I don’t know that I believe I’m worth loving. Or that there’s a strong enough man created to handle my hurricanes.
I have been blogging every day, expressing my thoughts, releasing my emotions. Good, bad, ugly or inbetween, I cut my chest open to bleed my words. This is my outlet and I know I’m sharing that with him. Even if I didn’t think he was reading them anymore, I knew he could.
My head bounces back and forth, feeling things I refused to believe I would ever feel again. Confused with myself. I warned him he’d never understand me because I’m too complex. I warned him I’m a dangerous drug. This is me trying to pull myself out of the self pity and hurt. Get back to the anger because I can function with that. I’d much rather be “I’ll show you” than “please don’t go”. Does he still love my words, did he ever really?
He is blocking himself from opening up to me, it’s not fair. Is it to protect himself or me. He wants to chose perfect words, is that to continue his get even tactic. Like “bitch, you thought you were getting played before.. you haven’t seen shit yet”. I mean he has used every beautiful poetic translation to convince me that I was his everything just to finish it with “just kidding”. Even now he continues to lie. Hey asshole, last night you know what I needed to hear when I asked you how much booze it took.. A SHIT TON HEATHER. I needed to know it wasn’t easy, that it didn’t just happen. Instead I got “I’m not drinking, that hasn’t happened”. All I could think was “you mean sober bud did that? You didn’t fall off the wagon, you weren’t crushed over losing me? But how because I am still broken!”.
I need to accept that his friendship will always come with lies, to hide his demons and truths. He will never be as raw as I am. Do I accept his friendship on his terms or do I walk away?