This is how I’ve been feeling lately. By lately I mean the last several months. Sitting near the bottom, staring at my needed path up, but unable to get myself there.
Maybe it was my curse, the one everyone thinks is in my head, but life has shown me when I’m happy it has other plans. Thank god for my happy pill right now.
I spent over an hour reading his blog this morning. Post after post about how amazing I am, how I saved his life, how I was his forever. That’s how I started my day, missing him. Not the irritable him he was the last 5 months, but the amazing him before he lost his mind. I’m so confused with my feelings, and while I’m told they are normal, I don’t like them. I take pride in being abnormal and different from the rest.
Apparently when a relationship ends its customary to immediately get back out there. Jump back in the driver’s seat. Yet for me it’s not that easy. For him it was, so I thought “damn it Heather, try to be normal. Move on and let.him.go. All the kids are doing it these days”.
So tonight I talked to an old boyfriend, set up an online dating profile again and immediately got numerous messages. “You’re gorgeous” “Wow, you are beautiful” “How in the hell are you single!” “Who’s the fool that let you go”.. and at first I was flattered, very flattered. And I needed to hear those things. But then the reality set in, and I stepped back. I feel like I’m cheating. On him, on the blended family we had, on my sweet little Brynn. He is already fucking another girl and I feel like this? It’s too soon for me, and I’m the one who ended it. I expected him and I to wean off the relationship, be friends again and maybe find that spark again. Because in the beginning, I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. We laughed our asses off and never ran out of conversations. He did make me happy but oh the red flags I had to ignore, and I knew early on this was going to cause a lot of hurt. I tried to break it off but I wasn’t ready to lose him and I loved hearing all the amazing things he said, even if deep down I knew he was full of shit. He made me laugh so god damn hard. And the sex was amazing, he would get me off with just his fingers in minutes. He craved pleasing me and that was all he wanted in the beginning. But I wanted to please him too, to hear him. Things never went back to the exciting, impulsive sex on the kitchen table that was just to watch me cum. Things went dull. The spark was gone. He took away the sprinkles. I never realized that until just now. And tried blaming me for the change in our sex life… Fucking asshole.