Breaking up is hard to do

Processing a break-up while being supermom isn’t always easy. I was handling it pretty good, I had good days and bad days. Seeing his kids toys and beds everyday made it harder, the reminder of what was supposed to be. After being single for nearly 10 years, I shocked everyone when I let him move in, and his 3 girls. We meshed our families and kids, shared holidays and birthdays. Maybe for most people this isn’t a big deal, but for me it was huge. He came in and made me want something I had given up on long ago, a person. Not just a person, my person. The one I share everything with, someone to grow old with, share inside jokes with. I realize now I was very gullible. And he probably saw how easy that was going to be from the beginning. But at the end of the day I can say I was true, I was in it 100% with every piece of my heart. 

I look back and picture memories, things he would say or do and how he would explain it was because I was different. I was special, he knew I was the one forever. In the end his actions proved none of that was true and honestly that is what crushed me. Because I honestly was in it expecting forever and to think he wasn’t, man I got played hard. I see now it’s not a big deal for him to have his kids live in another woman’s house and become attached to their kids and want to call them their stepbrother and step sisters. I was okay accepting that he still had a lot of growing up to do. He had not really ever been a man. Not a man of his word or being a man that can be depended on, even though he was a good person (I thought). As many leaps and bounds as he made in our time together he did the same leaps and bounds backwards. And let me tell you, when you live with someone, man, do you see a completely different side of them. The helpful things that they used to do go away. Even the great mind blowing sex changes into a chore. They are no longer going the extra mile to get you off. Before it was all about pleasing you and now it’s just boring and routine, there’s no excitement because he’s not trying anymore. The mood swings mixed with words said that leave you speechless, questioning who this person really is. 

I mean honestly looking back I realize he was depressed because his facade was imploding. It was time to put his “money where his mouth was” and he was not capable. Me learning things caused distance, and distance honestly kills him. You know there’s a problem when you get to the point that you would rather not talk because you know the story is going to change several times and you get exhausted trying to understand. More so frustrated living with someone who can’t tell the truth about anything. When somebody wakes up at 5:30 in the morning and gets ready, puts on their work boots, leaves to go to work but disappears for the day. I mean does not go to work because they don’t have a job and rather than sharing this information with the person they claim to want to build forever with they go God knows where for the day, comes home and talks about how “work was okay today”. When helping parent his kids results in a huge bomb being dropped: he secretly had a female friend live with him during your relationship that you never even knew of, but it’s innocent-she just blocked you both on facebook after she moved out for no reason -_- 

And through all of this, I craved our friendship, how it was in the beginning. That’s why I held on for so long. He was my person, my best friend, and god did I love him and his kids. Yes, I was hurting and I kept bringing up the “but how could you” conversation. I wanted him to say or do something magical that would assure me he was going to get this right. But instead, after nearly two months of him scheduling/canceling/rescheduling to get his things, he finally came and got them. And I felt at peace. Not that he was out of my life, but that maybe, just maybe we could now go back to being best friends. We could laugh with each other again. I guess that’s silly, I am a silly girl. I thought he was avoiding getting his things because he was holding out hope for us, that is after all what he was telling me because I was his forever and it killed him to see me if we weren’t together. I was his first thought every morning and last thought at night. He couldn’t even think about moving on from me because I had his heart. But you know what, he did move on and in lightening speed. I woke the next morning to this lovely new profile picture… literally hours after he took his things. Maybe I’m expecting too much, but clearly he has no tact. I’m placing this here to remind me of the melt down he gave me. 

Here’s my steps after seeing this:

Step 1- breathe Heather, you have been through this before and that didn’t break you.
Step 2- take the time you need, but clearly he is not who you thought and hell ya you can tell him that and block his ass because he posted that knowing you would see it. Now go to work.

Step 3- go home, your useless at this point anyway.. go get drunk. Really good drunk. Send a shitty drunk text because your not drunk enough if you don’t do that. Who cares, you don’t really know him anyway.

Step 4- fall apart. Cry your eyes out. Sob and yell and scream. Wipe your snot on your shirt.

Step 5- laugh at yourself, cry again, and again. Apologize to your kids for being weak and human. Then pass the fuck out.
Step 6- almost there sweety. Block his number, your not going to deal with his sorry ass when he comes to his senses and the random he reeled in realizes he.is.a.joke. You don’t need to hear anything he has to say. Now, delete all his numbers. Every single one. Remove any possible avenues he can use to contact you. Remember you don’t need him, you wanted what he presented himself as and that hasn’t been him for a long time, actually ever. Fuck friendship, he went below the belt. There is nothing left with him except letting go. And let’s be honest, he knew posting that picture so damn soon was going to hurt you and that would be the nail in his coffin. Maybe that’s his gift, making sure you won’t take him back because he knows he’s not worthy.
Step 7- forgive yourself for being human. All the best of us are.

You know what, morning came and I got up and handled the day like a boss. Each day will get easier.

PS- research how to remove him from following your blog. He is not worthy of knowing where your thoughts are. Truth is he is as ugly as your ex and will take pleasure in knowing he crushed you. And just like him, he will realize what he lost. When you’re ready to move on, god has a wonderful chapter for you. (With amazing mind-blowing sex… be prepared😊)

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