Roller coaster…do you want another ticket?

This is why I avoid relationships. There’s too much disappointment, too much analyzing. I get to a place where I’m happy, I release all my fears and worries, all the what if’s and I push forward. I’m excited and happy and it feels normal. I can picture 5, 10, 20 years down the road and it’s good. I feel the light.

Then his issues surface. He had been hiding his demons for too long. Pressure, insecurities, truths, they all become too much and he collapses. And I can handle that. But falling apart during special days, or the week before, ruining important memories. I’ve lived that life before. My ex-husband would pick fights so he could bail. We never celebrated an anniversary, or my birthday, holidays were a guaranteed m.i.a. Maybe he was afraid of failing to make a good day. He said too many memories of traumatic holidays were triggers to his demons. I accepted it because I loved him, I thought eventually one day he would feel how deep my love for him was and he would let those memories go and finally be able to make new ones with our family. I was wrong.

Having family interfere in your relationship -are they protecting you from his secrets, to save you from future pain or are they really dysfunctional wanting to keep him to themselves. Does either reason matter? Let’s be honest, neither one is better than the other.

Addiction. Nothing comes before addiction. Addiction sucks the life and love from everything around it. Financially, emotionally,physically, like quicksand. They bail on responsibilities, they fail at getting better permanently, they are great manipulators and liars, nothing is their fault. They have periods of being perfect, making you feel like the luckiest person in the world… followed by a darkness that sucks the life right out of you. Your left with disappointments and pain. The roller coaster is traumatic and dramatic. Their lies slip out in the process and everything you believe is now doubted. Everything. You drive yourself insane. You feel a dark cloud over you, following you. Nothing feels right. You question everything, your mind goes a thousand miles a minute and you just want the roller coaster to stop. When it does, you can’t breathe. You feel like something is sitting on your chest, squeezing your heart to control the beats. You feel helpless. You think of the good parts of that roller coaster, the slow and steady climb up. Now you hear the clicking as you get to the top.. the way his eyes glow when he looked at you, the way he was so thoughtful and wanted to take care of you, the way he touched you, how he loved caressing you, tucking you in the bed, staring at you when your not looking and the smile he gets just by seeing your eyes.. now you’re sitting stuck on the top of the hill and you want to stay in these memories… and its harder now because you know the fall is going to hurt like hell. Now you can’t breathe again… you see all the good things as him grooming you, because he knew this was coming. He needed you to be unable to let him go so he made sure to make you feel amazing, so you would stay. He promises it will get better, he will do better, he reminds you how special you are and how much he’s done for you that he never did for anyone before, how he’s never loved anyone like he loves you and never will because you are his purpose. He’s good with words, very good. You have his heart in your hand and he’s pleading you to stay. “One more chance, that’s all I need” you’ve heard this before. 

You have been here before. So many times in your life before him and now with him. He promised to be different, to be better yet you keep getting back to this moment. How many more times can you handle this ride? How many more years can you do this? 

PS.. happy birthday. Did he make it memorable? Better than the others before him? You did that for him. Your not expecting anything you aren’t also giving him. 

Will you take another ticket for the roller coaster or was 1 year long enough? 


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