Today honestly marks a huge milestone. I’ve completely accepted what wasn’t and what is and officially closed the chapter. Uninterested in looking back. In the past every time I accepted things, deep down I thought “it’s only temporary for now”. I’m not sure if it’s how I coped, or because my heart wouldn’t let go, or because I wasn’t really ready to see it for what it was. But today, I spoke to this person and I felt nothing. No aching. No sadness. And once I said my piece of the conversation, I was done with it. No crying or thinking all night, withdrawing from life to process all my confused feelings.
I was just done. Not a single tear. No tossing and turning wondering anything.
I don’t feel sorry for him, granted I never should have, but I always did. I’ve always said feelings can not be controlled, they are what they are.
And I didn’t care to drag the conversation out or help him work through his feelings, I have no interest in them. I didn’t get sucked into his lies and efforts to turn things around, because poor him. I didnt get all worked up. Finally, I really just didn’t care. And for me, a true test is speaking to him, hearing the voice of this person, but it didn’t affect me. The conversation honestly meant nothing to me, I was just annoyed that I had to give two seconds of my day to him. Well it meant one thing, I’ve officially reached the end of that chapter, closed the book with a very rare “I don’t even desire to talk out my frustrations or pain” it’s just a situation that I refuse to go, ever again. I’m glad he has another that plays the “torture each other game”. And truthfully, he deserves her because I was never good at torturing him, just myself and my family after I fell apart.
I’m not caring to look back anymore, just ahead. And for once in my life, I don’t need to know what’s coming, as long as I stay away from where I’ve been.