Why now?

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I have been battling depression and anxiety for the last few years. It’s difficult and extremely lonely. Today was the first day in a long time that I felt normal, back to my silly sassy self, feeling confident again. Then the rug was pulled out from under me.

I’m not capable of handling this. Of coping, of processing something I tried to bury years ago. But i am trying. Very. Very. Hard.
Set backs affecting my mental state. Things from so many years ago popping up, poking and prodding. I want to forget. I want to not know. I want to not think of it or how..or why. It’s disgusting. And I attempted to pretend it didn’t happen. I have always known it did, but it hurt too much to face. I pulled up my body to function for survival. Now the past has again come to haunt me. Remind me. I don’t want to think of it, but a picture plays in my head that I can’t stop. I’m again trying to make sense out of something that can’t possibly have any explanation. I feel sick and disgusted. Embarrassed and sad. Angry and alone.  But mostly sick. I want to avoid this memory, details of the story, after 8 years, I still can’t stomach the thought.

I’m praying to god, the holy spirit, universe, shit even tinker bell, help me find the strength to press on. Please allow me to forgive myself. And dare I say, he. Give me the strength to also forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because I do. I can’t hold onto this anger and bitterness, I can’t pretend it’s ok now. I know what must be done. I hope I can follow through.

Dear god, please help me overcome this obsticle. Give me the courage to let go and move on. To find peace and forgiveness because all the hurt I’ve suffered is too heavy.

I wish I knew before, first, now my wound is open again, life rubbing salt in the raw beating heart, unable to battle the memories, why does all shit hit the fan when I’m on the path to better things. This must also be part of my journey. But god, can you take it easy soon? Whatever I did to deserve this, please forgive me. I’ve been punished enough. Amen.

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