When my world seems too dark and heavy, I sleep. I sleep to stop the thoughts and worries that race through my mind. I sleep to escape the reality of my life, even if just for an hour.
I dream every time I sleep.
I dream of the past mostly, the good times. I dream of my best friend and I hugging and laughing, enjoying each other’s company. I dream about my children when they were younger and unaware of the mess I am. I dream what the future or present would be if my journey didn’t take the turn into that dark alley. I dream of hugs and laughter, and flowers blooming in my garden. I dream of the home I raised my kids in, where so many memories are. I dream of us all singing in the kitchen and cooking dinner. I dream I’m happy and surrounded by love.
Then I wake up to reality.
There is no best friend, he never was. My kids are growing up. My little girls don’t need me to brush their hair and tie it up into pony tails now, they’re in college. My son doesn’t need me to kiss his ouch-ies, he’s in jr high now. I’m not in that home anymore and my garden is not here. I’m alone. This isn’t the life I planned. Somewhere along the way I forgot to live for me. I over compensated as a mom. I forgot to remember they would grow up. I didn’t let go of the dreams I had, I locked people in my heart that weren’t worthy. I don’t know how to make new dreams. How do I dream different?
I feel weak. Bruised from life’s battles. I feel shame for not being able to control my heart. I feel stupid for not letting go a long time ago and for believing in something that I now see was a joke. I feel foolish for not realizing that change was guaranteed. I feel lost.
I’m learning life’s lessons. One day at a time. One step at a time. And it hurts. A lot. I remind myself no one is perfect. And for those that judge me so harshly, they should look around themselves and the people they value so much. Because truthfully, we are all a fucking mess. Some hide it better or you chose not to see the flaws they carry. It doesn’t mean the flaws aren’t there or that they are a better person. It just means you are also stuck living in that dream, grasping with every inch of your soul hoping to make the dream real. I understand that and I do not judge.