Who am I?

What happened to me?

Where did I go?

Who am I?

Where did my strength go?

That fierce lady who fought every battle, with power & determination. Who never had time to worry about herself, & didn’t care to. Focused on being the best at everything. Saw everything through the end with no acceptance of failing.

Was it too much? Did I push too hard?
I had to be the strong one because no one else was there. But now really, no one else is here. And my energy to fight is gone. I call out the situations or people, even when it’s myself. But to stand and fight, it’s gone. So many things have gone wrong, I’m tired of the fighting, the arguing, the debating. I find myself more and more cuddling in a ball, wrapped in a blanket, hiding. Unable to fight anymore. Hiding from the world. Embarrassed of who I’ve become. How weak and fragile I feel. I don’t even want to fight anymore.

Can I just start over? Erase my past? Erase those I thought loved me? Erase those who I thought held my heart? Can I go to the doctor and have him cut out the parts I can’t seem to let go? The memories, the feelings I feel for someone. I was just a kid, and I believed him that we could take on the world together. I believed we were soul mates, destined to grow old on our rockers, laughing together about all the crazy times, the fun and laughs we had, finally settled down with age and grace. Watching our grandkids from our rockers on the porch. A life we built, that stood strong through all the battles and triumphs. A never ending love and passion for each other.

What happened? Why am I stuck?

Is this what God meant for me? Is this turmoil and crap of my journey?

I am in a sunken hole. Ready to completely cut myself off from everyone. Keep everyone at a distance. To protect me and them. Delete my Facebook account, instagram, just detach from the world. Start over a new chapter, hell, a new book! Get rid of most of my stuff and move, away, somewhere quiet. All the memories of my life haunt me in everything around me. Good and bad. But I’m stuck.

I need to take back my heart, and save it for myself. He never cherished it and it’s like I’ve been stuck on stupid. I believed what he said, the glow and sparkle in his eyes when he seen me. I believed somehow in the end, we would be. Foolish stupid girl. I wanted to believe he adored me. That just looking at me made his day brighter. And when we hugged, we hugged so tight, the world didn’t seem so bad and lonely. I miss that.

It’s time to wake up. Time to live the life really meant for me. And stop letting his games corrupt my mind. No more waiting for him to take the opportunity to be here, to be a father to the son he continues to abandon. I wanted better for me and my kids. We deserved better. And clearly it’s time to let go of the memories. Maybe burn them as a symbolic example of completely letting go. He never wanted us. He never valued or appreciated us. In his eyes I was property. I am more than that.

Time to close this book for good. I’ve been gullible and foolish, and I own that.

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