Soul Searching

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I’m in need of some soul searching.  Are we born with our path? Does god find a way to bring the people in our life he’s meant for us? And why are there people (like me) who seem to be missing someone.  Is my path to go through life alone?

I’m realizing how fast the days turn to months and months into years. I’m 36 this year..thirty-six…THIRTY-SIX! I swear I was just 19 giving birth to beautiful twin girls…then before I knew it I was 25, in a terriful marriage giving birth to my wonderful son. I look back & realize how much time I wasted in life waiting for tomorrow. 

Tomorrow things will get better.  Tomorrow I will go back to school & finish my degree.  Tomorrow I will start having a social life. Tomorrow I will have the energy to move passed all my past. To many days I’ve said “tomorrow but for today I will stay safely in my comfort bubble”. Anyone who knows me understands why. I’m one of those people you could say “if it wasn’t for bad luck she wouldn’t have any luck”. And I feel selfish even thinking that. I could have had a much harder life I’m sure. I’ve managed to support my family myself. Me and my 3 children. We’ve had some VERY financially tight times, but I’m proud to say we all stuck together& got through them. My kids never complain of our “simple” Christmas or birthday gifts or lack of my ability to give them what most kids have. And my daughter’s dad has been very good about keeping them current with the times and they are more than understanding that since they get so much from their dad, I need to do more for my son. I spend a lot of energy on guilt though and it’s really stupid. I feel guilty of the life I brought them in. I really have zilch for family. The family I do have is so damaged and brings a lot of stress and pain in our lives. It wasn’t always that way, but I guess people change…a lot! I feel guilty that I don’t have a support system to offer them besides myself, I wish I had more close friends who we kept in touch with to fill in the void of a family. Now if you ask my son or daughter they would say I’m more than enough because I’m such a good mom, very supportive and involved,  always there for them, and do everything in my power I can for them. I think they know the sacrifices I’ve made to be the mom I am.

But all of it has left me lonely and ill. My health the last two years has been a huge issue. And when you spend so much time feeling like crap it leaves you feeling depressed and angry. Why angry? Because I want to have the energy I used to have! I want to have a life again! I think of 20 things a week I want to accomplish but I’m lucky if I do 5. I’ve gained weight and lost the fit & trim figure I fell in love with. Is this what happens after 35!?! I want to go out and live life! I need to find friendships that stay connected.

My girls are seniors in high school. We talk about colleges and career goals. My son is finishing elementary school. Next year is junior high for him. My kids are almost grown up! Where did the time go! Too many “tomorrow’s” have passed. I pray our relationship is stronger and closer than what I have with my family. So much bad blood between my relatives left us not even wanting each other in life. It’s shocking but yes, I’ve been burned by all. I’m one of those people who gets taken advantage of by my mom and siblings (except for one and he lives across the other side of the country!). I’m too nice and can’t seem to follow boundaries to keep myself guarded. I just want them to care as much about me as I do them.
I pray I’ve raised my kids to value our family and each other. I pray they always look out for each other and stay in touch with each other and me.

What is my next chapter?

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