What about our plans?

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We were supposed to get a pedicure,  my first one ever! And dinner, and sit on the patio again venting & laughing over a bottle of wine instead of our usual margaritas. For some reason you wanted wine. I figured you’d tell me all about what changed your taste buds while we chatted. I was excited of our plans to do Black Friday shopping together. Something you loved to do but I just wanted to watch you work your magic with that big smile and laugh of yours. You know I wasn’t excited about going out shopping at 3 in the morning when I’d rather be in bed catching some z’s, but doing it with you made me excited about it. Something I figured we’d do each year together from this year on.

I worry that I wasn’t there enough for you, as you were for me. But you always told me “your a good friend Heather”. Did you not know how much I loved you? Or my kids,  how much you mean to us? I’m angry we couldn’t do holidays together like you wanted.

You knew I had no one, Ryan had no one, so you made yourself part of our life. When no one else did, you reached out to me and we’d talk all day! When life hit me too many times and I was ready to give up, you kept me up. You always reminded me of my kids and how strong I was and that I can get through it. You’d say “we’ll get through this, I’ll help you!” Why are you gone!  I’m not ready to let you go! I want to be selfish and tell god “NO! You can’t have her yet! We love her too much!”

Everyone lost a piece of themself the day you died. How did you not know how much you were loved?! I know you have been hurting for a long time, and I know you said it had to get easier or you couldn’t manage anymore, but I DIDN’T KNOW YOU MEANT THIS! Why didn’t you tell me! You said it was getting better! I’m so sorry I missed your last call. I was at work and couldn’t answer. I worried something was wrong and I meant to text you or call but I forgot, and when you didn’t leave a message or text I figured you were just calling on your break to check in and say hi. Why didn’t you tell me you needed me!! I want to rewind the clock so I can answer the phone! I want to remind you that I was still waiting to hear what your schedule was so me and Ryan could come see the new house. Most of all I want to make sure you really know HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!! I’m sorry you felt so lonely. I hate that you thought this was really an option! I’m angry and sad and hurt and confused and pissed off! I’m pissed off your gone! I’m pissed off you were hurting!  I’m pissed off god took you! I’m pissed off we kept putting off our plans! I’m sad and angry to think how you felt that day. I’m sad & angry you didn’t reach to me. I’m hurt your gone. I’m confused that this is real and not a bad dream.

What about our plans!?

I am trying to think of how I can see this differently. All I can come up with is I need to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me. And I need to stop saying “tomorrow” or “next weekend” and just do..just live now! I need to laugh more. I need to make sure I’m the best mom to my kids and learn when I need to take a step back. I need to remember nothing is final, life changes all the time. And I pray you will still be by my side pulling me through life’s struggles when it all gets too heavy for me. I pray you continue to look out for me and help guide (or push) me where I need to go. I’m grateful I still can hear you in my heart, I hope it’s really you giving me messages and not me going crazy thinking it’s what you would say. I pray your soul is at peace and your not hurting.  Please visit me, don’t forget about us.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. pennyjo
    Sep 25, 2014 @ 20:45:36

    I feel all that plus and now the only sister that ever really got me is gone and I hear some say she was a coward and I don’t not agree I GET JUST WHAT SHE WAS GOING THROUGH !!! The family we come from is very toxic and as much I think I need to be accepted by them I also have learned through Debs suicide that its better to cut them off and live without all of them. I’m deeply hurt that Deb seen that as her only way out but because off my thoughts of killing myself so many time … Today I’m getting help and working through things and realizing I don’t want death I want to leave and love and be loved this is the gift my sister has given me and I will a loo way miss and love her ..

    Reply

    • thismomsfranticmind
      Sep 25, 2014 @ 22:00:55

      She was not a coward. She was strong for too long & it took its toll. I know she wasn’t in the right frame of mind, it was a low point, one we all are familiar with. Anyone who makes that stupid comment is just ignorant. She was such a strong woman, so independent and brave. She helped me pull through my weak moments so many times..even when she was clearly fighting to pull herself together. I miss her so much. She would be so proud of you for getting help and I know she’d say space away from the family is smart. I know she wishes she could take that day back. She lived for her kids and grandkids. I know she’s with them and angry at herself for that decision which took her away from them. In my low moments I look at Jackie and corey and the grandkids to remind me “tomorrow is a new day”. Maybe today is hard, but hopefully tomorrow is better. And if it’s not, at least I’m giving myself the chance to see it get better. She gave me that gift too. I miss her so much though.

      Reply

      • pennyjo
        Sep 25, 2014 @ 22:15:32

        Its sad that it took a tragedy like this to open us enough to realize life is a gift. I know Deb is the one helping god pull me forward and giving me away out without taking my life. She is still helping me save my butt. I’m very happy that her kids also got a gift from all this of independence. We are all still recieving her gifts even after she is gone. In one month I will recieve a three year coin in aa now I’M staying sober and doing all I can to help the next in Debs name. No she was not a coward she was a human being who was afraid to ask for help … I got a yellow ribbion on the outside of my heart so those who know me know that I looked up to Deb and I was so proud to have her as my bestfriend and sister.

      • thismomsfranticmind
        Sep 25, 2014 @ 22:55:39

        That is awesome! She would love that ur doing that in her honor, such a strong and positive choice. You said it perfectly, she was a human being who was afraid to ask for help. She was a very proud woman and she didn’t like many to see any weakness in her. There were too many jealous of what she had accomplished and overcame, those haters wanted to see her fall. I pity their hateful hearts.

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