We were supposed to get a pedicure, my first one ever! And dinner, and sit on the patio again venting & laughing over a bottle of wine instead of our usual margaritas. For some reason you wanted wine. I figured you’d tell me all about what changed your taste buds while we chatted. I was excited of our plans to do Black Friday shopping together. Something you loved to do but I just wanted to watch you work your magic with that big smile and laugh of yours. You know I wasn’t excited about going out shopping at 3 in the morning when I’d rather be in bed catching some z’s, but doing it with you made me excited about it. Something I figured we’d do each year together from this year on.
I worry that I wasn’t there enough for you, as you were for me. But you always told me “your a good friend Heather”. Did you not know how much I loved you? Or my kids, how much you mean to us? I’m angry we couldn’t do holidays together like you wanted.
You knew I had no one, Ryan had no one, so you made yourself part of our life. When no one else did, you reached out to me and we’d talk all day! When life hit me too many times and I was ready to give up, you kept me up. You always reminded me of my kids and how strong I was and that I can get through it. You’d say “we’ll get through this, I’ll help you!” Why are you gone! I’m not ready to let you go! I want to be selfish and tell god “NO! You can’t have her yet! We love her too much!”
Everyone lost a piece of themself the day you died. How did you not know how much you were loved?! I know you have been hurting for a long time, and I know you said it had to get easier or you couldn’t manage anymore, but I DIDN’T KNOW YOU MEANT THIS! Why didn’t you tell me! You said it was getting better! I’m so sorry I missed your last call. I was at work and couldn’t answer. I worried something was wrong and I meant to text you or call but I forgot, and when you didn’t leave a message or text I figured you were just calling on your break to check in and say hi. Why didn’t you tell me you needed me!! I want to rewind the clock so I can answer the phone! I want to remind you that I was still waiting to hear what your schedule was so me and Ryan could come see the new house. Most of all I want to make sure you really know HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!! I’m sorry you felt so lonely. I hate that you thought this was really an option! I’m angry and sad and hurt and confused and pissed off! I’m pissed off your gone! I’m pissed off you were hurting! I’m pissed off god took you! I’m pissed off we kept putting off our plans! I’m sad and angry to think how you felt that day. I’m sad & angry you didn’t reach to me. I’m hurt your gone. I’m confused that this is real and not a bad dream.
What about our plans!?
I am trying to think of how I can see this differently. All I can come up with is I need to make sure my loved ones know how much they mean to me. And I need to stop saying “tomorrow” or “next weekend” and just do..just live now! I need to laugh more. I need to make sure I’m the best mom to my kids and learn when I need to take a step back. I need to remember nothing is final, life changes all the time. And I pray you will still be by my side pulling me through life’s struggles when it all gets too heavy for me. I pray you continue to look out for me and help guide (or push) me where I need to go. I’m grateful I still can hear you in my heart, I hope it’s really you giving me messages and not me going crazy thinking it’s what you would say. I pray your soul is at peace and your not hurting. Please visit me, don’t forget about us.