testing..testing..1..2..3..4..5..oh come on! Enough already!

I was told that each of us (our souls) returns to earth and must repeat the lessons we didn’t get from our last lives. It sounds crazy, but it would explain how situations seem to keep repeating in my life. Not exactly the same way, but when I get down deep and ask myself “what is this for” the answer is a lesson I thought I had already learned. So is it a test then? Testing me to see if I really did get the lesson? Will I handle it better this time around? Or did I not the lesson right at all?

I’m a very open person. Just ask anyone who knows me, I’m an open book. I tell it how it is, I’m honest and blunt, sometimes painfully. I’ve been told a hundred times I should write a book about my life, this issue or that. And there came a point I wasn’t sure what direction to focus the book on!

  • Being a young single mother of twins at age 19 and how I managed to cope and struggle?
  • Suffering years of domestic violence at the hands of my then husband and how I managed to break free?
  • Or parenting a child (single parenting might I add!) with special needs and how to juggle all that I need to do for him and still hold a job to pay the bills!
  • Or how to teach other parents how to become their child’s advocate and how I’ve learned to educate myself for my son.

Each time I think I have survived the issue and found a way to say I am in a good place, now I can find a way to pay it forward, help others…. Right as that thought even dares to cross my mind, BAM! Slapped in the forehead with something, some issue that triggers memories of a time I don’t want to remember. All those emotions I felt then, they resurface. And then the only way I can describe it is my juggling act crumbles. One to many balls were thrown into my act and I drop them all! Temporarily of course. I have 3 kids looking at me, so I must get up, dust off my butt and breathe. Then I remind myself I can do this…AGAIN.

But the frustration that comes from having to redo that lesson makes me angry. I literally will look up at the sky (because we all know that’s where god is, duh!) and ask “WHY! Haven’t I had enough!”. I like to imagine sometimes that he smiles at me, sympathetic but knowing on the other side of this road I will come out better so he can smile about it. I know each struggle makes me a better, stronger person. I know I would not be who I am without having gone through the struggles I’ve had. (I have almost thanked my twins dad for leaving me alone to raise our girls, almost is the key word there, ha-ha!) But I do have my selfish moments, some last longer than others, but I think I’m allowed to feel overwhelmed and angry, disappointed in the painful truths. And with the help of some great friends I am reminded to breathe, and that I will get through this and that I know how. I know what to do. Sometimes I need someone else to say it to me to remind myself I can do it because I have done it.

Then there is that best friend who brings me in a cupcake, or Reese’s peanut butter cup when they know today is one of those days. And when it’s really bad, I even get a bottle of inexpensive wine! Just a small gesture, but man does that sugar rush amp me up to conquer the world! At least until the next ball is thrown in and the cycle repeats…testing me yet again.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ashley Hollis
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 13:08:56

    i like all the topics mom:)


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