With the Mtv hit show “Teen Mom” and just issues in my own life, something crossed my mind. Something I need my kids to know, and every kid to know. To be aware of.
TEEN MOM
I am guilty of watching the show Teen mom. I don’t know why. Maybe that old saying about a train wreck no one wants to see but can’t stop watching? Maybe it’s because it shows young moms can still be good moms, good moms can still have moments of poor judgement. Emotions can get the best of us all.
I think it’s great how Dr Drew points out the reality’s that teen parents struggle with. But truthfully….all parents struggle with most of the same issues. I think the issue that needs to be focused on is when your a young mom or dad, you are growing up with your child…and they are watching it all.
I was 18 when I got pregnant, with twins. I had them at 19. To say my life was stable and structured, prepared even, is false. I had the same boyfriend for over 3 years. He was a great guy (3 years older than I) but had started a secret life involving drugs. We lived on our own, he was buying the home we lived in. He worked full time. I worked 2 part time jobs and had just started college. I had graduated high school a year early and earned a nearly full ride scholarship for college. Then I got pregnant….with twins…did I mention I was only 18? 
My mom was in her mid-life crisis, my dad was dying of cancer, and my boyfriend decided he couldn’t handle the situation. He called my parents one night, locked himself in the bathroom and told my parents to come get me. We had lived together for over 2 years so this was all a shock.
Looking back now at 35, I see things so different than I did at 18. What kids need to realize is parents are expected to be perfect…but they can’t be. No one can. Kids look to their parents to always be strong. Always have the answers. Always do the right thing. Always have the finances to say yes. And when the parent isn’t strong, doesn’t have the answer, your kid will never forget about it. Just think of your parents. Everyone has several stories about something their parent did that traumatized their childhood. But parents aren’t always perfect. I believe even the good ones screw up sometimes. Parents can’t be perfect. Life isn’t a movie. It takes it’s toll to always put others first. Sometimes you feel like you’re forgotten. You feel unappreciated, disrespected, exhausted and ask yourself “what about my feelings?”. But you are the parent…is it selfish to feel these things? You are human too!
I gave birth to two beautiful healthy twin girls at just 19. The problem with the show Teen Mom, the focus is put on being just that. A teen mom. Would one year have made a difference for me? If I had waited just one year I would have been 20. No longer a teen mom. But one year? Hell no! 5 years? Hell no! I think 10 years would have made a world of difference. And not because I regret that I had to sacrifice and struggle to raise kids when I wasn’t ready. It’s because my kids wouldn’t have had to grow up watching me grow up. With a 10 year delay hopefully I would have been more aware on how to ensure my kids grow up in one home vs two allowing my kids to grow up without splitting holidays and birthdays, missing out on family outings because it’s the other parents scheduled time. Even if you get along with the other parent, it’s hard. Whether your 16 or 20, your not ready. That doesn’t mean you won’t be a good parent. It just means your kids will grow up watching you make the mistakes it takes in life to learn how to be a good person. Those will be the stories they share with others and the memories they have.
Life is hard, parenting is hard, single parenting is very hard. What I wish I knew 20 years ago? Parents mess up, even good ones. The weight on our shoulders can become to much to bare sometimes and even parents will fall. It takes alot out of you to always be the rock. Always trying to make the right decisions and the stress over it. And when you get past one hurdle there’s a couple more to jump out at you, testing your skills and your limits. And sometimes you won’t handle situations perfect, sometimes emotions get the best of you, even parents. Especially the good ones.
I have said those words to myself a thousand times, but typing those words out for all the world to see…(deep breath)..it stings a little…
A mothers guilt…this mothers guilt.
I can speak as a mom, and I by no means am trying to say ALL moms feel this way, or are this way, but I hope there are others who understand.
We have to make decisions that will affect our children’s lives. It will affect who they become, and there’s always going to be those stories they tell people about their memories of things, good, bad and in-between. I have stories about my mother. My mom lost her mother at a very young age, so she didn’t get the privilege (I mean that) to complain to her mom about how her own kids (one of which is me ) were driving her crazy. Or ask her mom “how did you do it mom!” or to say what I have said a gazillion times to my mom “I’m so sorry for what I put you through”. Mostly I apologize for being a self centered, lazy teenager. And my mom smiles and says “you don’t have to apologize to me”. Yes I do. That’s how I show my mom how differently I see things now as a mother compared to how I saw them as that bratty teenager. And they are not just words to me, I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. I’m sure my mom doesn’t want my apology because, well, because she’s mom. Mom’s understand their kids will make mistakes, lots of them in fact. Moms hope they can help avoid some obvious mistakes, but I’m learning sometimes us moms must sit back and let the rocks tumble. But when things go wrong and it hurts our kids we moms are always so hard on ourselves, that wonderful “mothers guilt”.
This is going to sound crazy, but I really got lucky with my girls. I was 18 when I got pregnant. I didn’t even know how to take care of myself let alone a baby or two! Which meant I didn’t eat right, I didn’t sleep enough, or I slept to much, I skipped my prenatal vitamins a lot (they made me nauseous) I stressed myself to tears daily. I was unhappy. I was 18, unmarried, and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me after I got pregnant. I had to drop out of college, lost my scholarship. I lost my job because I got put on bed rest. I already felt the mothers guilt. I felt bad for bringing my kids into a single parent home, with no dad in the picture (at the time) and I had no money to take care of them. The depression I felt was actually my mothers guilt I’m sure.
As a kid I dreamed of a fancy future, a high paying career, I was going to be someone important! I always remember picturing myself in a loft downtown with an area for my art with paint brushes and a work in project sitting on an easel. Anyway, being an 18 year old unemployed single pregnant teen was the farthest thing from my dream. My dad was dying of cancer, my mom was in her midlife crisis and my best friend dumped me. I was a depressed wreck. But a miracle happened, well 2. I gave birth to two beautiful and healthy baby girls who brightened my world beyond my imagination. They had a few minor health issues as babies, but overall they were very healthy babies! By 6 months they slept through the night. They weren’t picky eaters, I just had to cut up the meat and hide it in mashed potatoes. They were full of smiles and giggles and they shined everywhere we went. I eventually got back to college. I didn’t think I could love anything or anyone as much I loved those girls! I was lonely sure, but I didn’t really picture myself with anyone. I accepted it was me and them girls forever. So I spoiled them, dressed them alike, gave lots of hugs and kisses, did their hair every day in pig tails, I enjoyed them because as far as I was concerned they would be my only children. Then life threw me a curve ball, well a lot of curve balls and with each of those came more guilt.
I met a guy, looking back I’m honestly mad at my mother for encouraging it. But she was just happy to see me happy again and the idea of me not having to raise my girls alone was nice. What a fool I was. I can’t express how much guilt I have locked away over this one, but it is what it is. Lessons were learned. I became a much stronger person from it all. And in 2002 I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. It was a very, very, very difficult and long delivery. I was in labor for over 27 hours and actively pushed for nearly seven hours, mind you this after having my twins by c-section. My son was 9 pounds and he couldn’t get out. I have guilt over picking that quack doctor.
From day one Ryan had health issues. He didn’t sleep, he was always hungry but like the girl from the exorcist, he threw everything up. It was awful. Jaundice, fevers, ear infections, acid reflux (I never knew a baby could have that!) eczema, sick all the time he was. The guilt over his birth still eats at me. I was again going through another pregnancy alone but this time also raising twin four year olds. The last thing I wanted was to be raising 3 kids by two different fathers alone, going through a divorce. What a catch I made my myself! At least I had a job this time. (there’s my sarcasm) Do I need to explain where the mothers guilt fits in this part of the story? God I hope not!
Fast forward through a lot of crappy choices that came with more of..you guessed it… mothers guilt.
Let’s see, I have no idea where to start on this part… Hmm.. okay, 2004 was the first time I took Ryan in for outside help. Ryan was always so much more work than my girls were. I’m sure I’m exaggerating but I honestly remember the girls always being so easy. You said “no, don’t touch that” they didn’t touch it. Shocking I know! I mean, they’d give me a poutty face, immediately followed by a big smile and a “shake that booty..uh uh..shake that booty baby” such easy kids. Ryan is a tester, a button pusher, he likes to test the limits and push buttons. He’s honery! Anyways, 2004 fast forward through alot of mis-diagnoses, therapy, behavior modification, medical tests and hospitalizations…and the overwhelming guilt that comes with all that… Ryan actually has Epilepsy, and ADHD. He’s a great kid though. He’s funny, charming, peculiar, artistic, loving, smart, jokester, thoughtful. But he’s had a rough road, course thank god he had me and his sisters because it takes a whole lot of love to get a person through what he was.
And the guilt over all the stuff I fast forwarded through? Well there’s just so much to explain, to sum it up, I learned how to be my child’s advocate. I learned how to navigate my way through the system. The medical, the insurance, the doctors, the school, IEP’s, I became obsessed with it all. Why? My guilt. It’s silly really. Most people don’t know about this stuff, we trust the doctors and the schools to do right by us and our kids. BUT I learned a very important lesson. We must educate ourselves too, moms (and dads if they are involved) are the most important person to stand and fight for our kids.
Life is full of doors, those doors all have lessons. Pay attention, grab on tight and enjoy the ride!
Take a large, lidded conatiner (the larger the better). Add dry beans and scoops, cups, toys, etc. Kids will literally play for hours. Just don't put in anything wet, and keep the cat away! (For kids old enough to not eat the beans!) Store with lid for another day of play. Picture via
Wrap your headphone cords with embroidery thread knots - to make them tangle free! Visit apartment therapy for good instructions. Idea via ada:) on pinterest.
Use the following instructions via wikihow on making the 'staircase' wrap: basically you're hiding the center cord with knots of the outside embroidery floss.
I had a cracking comment recently on a post I wrote called Things Not to Say to a Twin Mum. Cracking in the sense that I read it, snorted with laughter and hit delete with a flourish. Basically it was a ranty-moo response that twin mums think we are better than everyone and we act like a ‘twin mum mafia…
